So we went to our 31st anniversary breakfast. It didn’t go so well. At least for me.It was here that B decided to finally share his feelings which are:
1. He wants to feel the feeling of loving me like I can do no wrong…the way he used to feel but he is unsure that he ever can again. He wants to feel once again like he worships the ground I walk on…which he is not sure that he ever can again.
2. That he is unsure that we are compatible or ever will be. I like to read he doesn’t. He likes to play the bagpipes, I do not. I tend to look for answers and he lets things lay. We go about things differently.He thinks it is important to be with someone he is compatible with…doesn’t know if that can be us.
3. That he doesn’t think we want the same things in life.
4. That he is afraid he cannot find his way back to me
5. That there is commitment on his part rather than deep love…which he would like to find again but doesn’t know how.
6. B wonders if we can we both live with what it is now or what it looks like in the future if there isn’t that deep love that he used to have with me.
7. He is upset that I am not happy living where we do
8. He thinks that when the kids are gone we will have nothing together and he is afraid it will look like now…with all this sadness and turmoil that we are going through right now and he doesn’t want that.
I said that it sounded as if he has made up his mind. That he sounds like our relationship is hopeless. We talked about what splitting up would look like. I think it seems weird divorcing because our marriage isn’t perfect. I mean it is not horrible we rarely fight. He says he feels happy/content in our relationship 60/40. I guess I feel 70/30 but I wouldn’t have said that before all this began.
I am discouraged. It doesn’t seem to matter that I no longer yell, that I am calmer, that the house is cleaner. It feels like nothing I do will change things. I’ll love you more if (fill in the blank) and you do it and it is just B.S.
He doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t think that is fair but maybe I am pushing for a resolution that might be different if I could just wait it out.I struggle with limbo.
I am sad.
Gardy Loo Pismire 
Oh man.
Come here and marry me.
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I would try to steal your dessert and it would be all over!
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you know we just commented on each other’s posts at the same time. also – try not to be sad – maybe you and B have something special. Really special. That you are able to talk all this through, communicate. You’re both honest. It’s okay to want different things. It doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
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No those are the things he wants but doesn’t feel he will ever have again with me. It is essentially over and since I do not sit in the moment well I suspect I will force the issues and things will implode.
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Take it slowly.
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Sounds like he’s made up his mind to move on, and as sad as that is……if there is no other woman involved you’re one up on many here dealing with infidelity. So very sorry for the hurt that you’re feeling. This is the point in your life when the path should be smooth, sad that he seems to want a different path. Sending peaceful thoughts your way……..PS….It took him 31 years to come up with #2 ? WOW.
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Can you think of things that you both enjoy or have in common? Maybe trying to focus on those could help even if it’s only one or two things you can think of. Or maybe try something new that you both might enjoy?
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What with three children two of which have autism it is very hard to find time to do things and really we don’t have much in common except our love of travel and obviously we cannot do that all the time. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter!
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I uh… Think he’s a dink.
I think you tried to change and I can’t pinpoint one part where he made effort to change back.
I think if you hired a PI he has stuff hiding that you probably shouldn’t leave hidden. Just a guess. But this is all nice talk. It’s veiling things, but that’s probably more about me and my situation than what’s actually happening in yours. Still. His wistfulness for what? A life with no responsibility? Get in fucking line. Everyone wants to have everything full of butterflies and rainbows and no concerns. And then life happens. Give me a break.
I’m sorry about this. Don’t forget. The changes and improvements benefit you, and your kids, not just him. He is the dummy who doesn’t appreciate what he has. Pack him a lunch and let him leave, see how easy life is alone.
Grrr. What a dick bag.
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The trouble is he is trying in his own way. Hey look, he was being HONEST which is what I have been asking for and even though his honesty hurt I would rather know than have to guess. He has stepped up to try to help more when chaos erupts in our house as it so often does. He is thoughtful in many ways and he is an excellent not selfish lover. Really, he is a man that most any woman would desire. He doesn’t drink or smoke. Doesn’t cuss. Isn’t violent. Is kind. Wants peace in his life and steps up to the plate in IEP’s and lawsuits regarding our kids. Yes, he is being a dick right now but he also has been trying and didn’t just up and walk out when he was feeling so miserable. But you are right he is a dummy. Sorry but it is doubtful he will ever find a woman as loving and adventurous in the bedroom/in life/ and in travel that I am. And it would be very difficult to have another relationship with our family dynamics. Whatever happens I hope that he finds the happiness he deserves because he is a good person with faults…just like me.
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Ok. This defence of him doesn’t sound like you. So he isn’t violent? He goes to iep meetings? Sorry but you don’t get a gold star for sliding in with the very minimum (and believe me I KNOW trh minimum in autism families is way more than most families, but it’s you guys’ minimum). You are working on your stuff and he needs to step up.
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