I have noticed at the therapists office lately whenever I say something and the therapist asks how B feels about what I said, he replies “It makes me shut down when she says that, talks that way, responds that way, etc.” Frankly, its getting old. Put on your big boy jock strap and get over it for goodness sake!
You shut down years ago and now you use me as your excuse. You actually started shutting down when you were a kid. Now you are a middle aged man who is mad at himself for keeping in his feelings and not saying what was on your mind to your mother, to your family, and to me because we all “shut you down.”
But instead of being the scapegoat I think you need to put this one directly on your own shoulders for it seems to me that you “shut down” when you don’t want to deal with conflict or emotions or whenever something makes you uncomfortable. You use “shut down” as an excuse to avoid…me, your feelings, or anything that makes you have to think in a way you do not want to. This then gives you the excuse to be righteous in your misplaced anger.
Your first response may be to shut down. You are not responsible for that first response but you are responsible for how long you choose to live with it.
So, in essence, shutting down is a really just a bad habit and it is a choice. Stop making that choice. PLEASE.
Gardy Loo Pismire 
Saying it makes him shut down is NOT an answer to “how do you *feel*?” From what you say here it just doesn’t seem like he’s willing to do anything differently, but wants a different result. This hurts my logical brain and I’m sure it’s a part of what’s so painful to you. I’m really sorry he’s being an ass and making this all so much harder than it has to be.
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Yep! It’s a choice. And as the commenter above says- shut down isn’t a feeling unless it’s that he feels… Strangled? Stifled? Restricted in response? If he isn’t actually sharing what’s under that, it’s his IMPRESSION, not actually what happened. He “feels” like he can’t express himself. And that, as you say, is habit. It’s his job to push through that, and share his actual thoughts and feelings. That feels unfair. That makes me mad. That hurts my feelings. I am angry but I am supposed to be strong so I can’t show it. It makes him feel shut down? Nope. You feel like people are restricting your actions, find another way to release it. Go write it down. Then let your wife read it. That way you say your piece but you don’t even have to say it or look her in the eye or any of the things you can’t do but make your children with an actual diagnosed affliction have to practise. Poor baby you learned that being a man and being a robot are the same thing so you don’t know what to do with all these feelers? So you pile them all up until you’re crawling with them and they are begging to get out like the hulk turning green but your incredible insight into the world is that you’re not the issue, your wife who has been working her ass off to be present and engaged and mindful of her temper And loving and sassy and partnered… She must be the reason you’re full of these many many tidbits of good bad and ugly feelings.
Fuck him. You’re so right. Man oh man. What a turd.
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