When did I …STOP…
Seeing myself as a StRoNg
And CoNfIDeNt Woman?
Was it when…
I didn’t finish my Master’s Degree?
DoUbTfUl
Was it when I stopped working
To take care of a family…
The loneliest Job in the world?
Maybe
Was it when those unexplained absences
Occurred
On those silent nights
When you were gone?
Didn’t help
Or perhaps I never really was
StRoNg and CoNfIdEnT
Those powers lost when I
Was But a ChiLD
Struggling to UNDerStand
A World I Couldn’t
Possibly know
A world made for adults
At which I played dress-up
Taking tea laced with whiskey
Trying to act cool
And impress people
I shouldn’t have bothered with
Did they BeAt me down?
Or did I do it to myself?
I would guess the latter
Yet, I would also suspect
This is a more recent
Phenomenon
That has arrived
Tangled in those few gray hairs
I pluck at
To remove from sight
That age I should be celebrating
Instead of fighting
Like an epic battle
Between GoOd and EviL
Lost in a dark forest
In which most of the trees were
Felled long ago
But where shadows remain
With a poster tacked to
The BriTtLe bark of a downed tree which reads:
Lost…StRoNg & CoNfiDeNt Middle Aged Woman
With Blue eyes
A big heart
And dark circles under her eyes
If Found
Please return her to…
ME…
I miss her
Gardy Loo Pismire 
we get knocked around by life
the trick is getting up again.
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You are so right!
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I stopped being confident when I became scared.
I became scared when I became responsible for other people.
This is something I think about a lot. How do I regain my confidence/fearlessness while maintaining my responsibility? (For me this is mostly about taking career risks and financial stability, but it bleeds into other areas, too. )
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You are one of the most wonderful people I know. You have always seemed fearless to me. Almost perfect, actually! Thank you for responding!
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That’s very sweet, but I’m a far cry from perfect! 🙂
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You have never seemed scared to me and we have had a lot of be scared about. I think you are so wonderful
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Lovely. This is beautiful. I think it’s a spectrum. Or a combo. You do not have to be strong and confident all the time. I think that is the myth. And certain things will tear bits and pieces away… So maybe you now are missing more of it. But you seem to have a basis of “MmmmmHmmm.” In you. And you can build it back up. I dunno.
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Thank you for the lovely words!
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I loved reading this. Self-Deception! How we are made to see ourselves different as over the years we are failing the changing expectations and desperately craving and fighting for the ungiven love.
“When did I …STOP…
Seeing myself as a StRoNg
And CoNfIDeNt Woman?”
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I am so glad that you did and thank you for your insights!
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