So last night B and I went out on a date. Yeah, we had tried to have date nights before but they were never a priority and often got shoved aside for something more important, like cleaning the garage, scrubbing a toilet or shoveling up the dog crap in the back yard. You know…the important things in life!

So we have promised each other a weekly date night with no excuses. Hey, when there is food and wine involved I am game. Besides he is a sexy man and anytime I can cop a few feels away from the kids more power to me.

So we talked and cried. And talked some more. There were painful words which sear the soul but words I need to hear. Because here is the thing. For all these years B has had problem opening up and being honest while I have contributed to that by not letting him talk without commenting and getting defensive. It stems from his childhood and even though I have made my mistakes while he has at times tried to open up, in fact it is still his issue.

We enjoyed each other, he told me I was beautiful, that we needed more times like this and that this is the type of thing that reminds him about how much he really does like me. And so after our meal, we walked downtown, and sat on a bench and made out a little. It felt nice and while we were doing so two young girls walked by and said, “You two are so cute. How long have you been together?”

” Twenty-nine years,” we replied.

“What is your secret for being together for so long?,” they asked.

Which brought an immediate flood of tears to our eyes and B answered, “Taking it one day at a time.”

Later we went home and had great sex (is crying while “doing it” a turn on?) And as the tears ran down my face I said, “I don’t know how you can have sex with someone you don’t like.” And then I remembered…he was a man!

Wow! I never thought I would be writing a blog much less one about a possible divorce. I will try to be very honest while preserving my families anonymity as our children are unaware of this situation and we are trying to keep this from them as we work towards a solution. I suspect this may be a rather long first post as I lay it all out. So let’s begin.

I’m Lynn, a 55 year-old housewife who has been married to B for 29 years. We have six children West 30 and grandson #1, Noelle 25 with grandson #2 and granddaugter #1, Jackie 21, Andre 14, Paul 13, and Gracie age 12. Andre and Paul both have moderate special needs and have autism.

Frankly, I thought we had a good marriage. We have fun together (though less recently), we are sexually combustible (yes even after all these years…lucky us), we rarely ever fight and I thought we loved each other deeply; so needless to say I was somewhat surprised when B sat me down and said “I think I might want a divorce.”

What…am I hearing correctly? He must have said “I have some remorse”,  ‘I want a new horse,” or maybe “I think you should take a correspondence course.” Did I mention I need hearing aides?

Within one minute of his pronouncement all this crap went through my mind:

How do we not hurt both the older and younger kids who will be impacted in different ways; ….are you kidding me?; how will Gracie continue her diving lessons?; …are you kidding me?; how will I support myself…I haven’t worked outside the home in 18 years?; are you kidding me, no really, are you F***ing kidding me….really, now?; how will we split holidays?; are you kidding me?; what if the kids hate his new wife?; how dare you!…are you kidding me?; I’ll never have sex again…wonder what the best brand of vibrator is?; are you kidding me?; but I love you…but I hate you right this minute, are you kidding me?; how will the boys survive this and who will get them to their services if I am working; and so it went.

“We are like ships passing through the night,” he said. (Semi-true)

“You yell too much at the kids and act too stressed out,” he said. (Semi-True but only because B avoids confrontation so the tough parenting gets regulated to me)

“You don’t seem happy,” he said. (Excuse me, I thought, I am not the one asking for the divorce so I must not be the unhappy one. I think you need to look at yourself there bud)

“You never get up in the morning with me” (Sorry, I thought that was your time to get ready for the day in peace but frankly am glad to hear you would like me to spend more time with you)

And so it went. His list of slights, imperfections, wishes, grudges, concerns and sadness.  He assured me he loved me but didn’t like me very much anymore.And at the end of it all I grabbed his hand and said, “Give it a year, please. Just give it a year and see what we can do to to change and or fix this. Because while I know so little, I do know this. I love you and you are a wonderful man. You have loved us, tried to make us happy, and made a wonderful life for us. You are an incredible and giving person and you deserve to be happy even if it isn’t with me. I want you to be happy no matter what.”  And he agreed to try for a year and then we cried.

So that is what this is all about. The 365 days we have to try and get us on track, to not hurt ourselves and our kids, to make changes, to try and re-connect and see after therapy if we really do want to or can remain together. I have no idea where this journey will lead us but you are invited to come along for the ride.

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