Divorce…Who Ever Said It Would Be Easy

'Hello, Haratty, Pearson and Smythe, messy divorce specialists!'

I think one of the reasons that B and I waited as long as we did to divorce is because we didn’t ever want to be at the point we are at…asset and spousal support. This part really sucks because all it does is bring out all the hurt and anger that were brewing before I left on the part of both of us.

One of the things B has said to me numerous times is that my attorney sucks so I have decided to take his advice and yesterday I hired a new attorney at a large law firm…we shall see how well B likes dealing with THE FIRM. Thank you B for pointing this out to me. I think that YOU will be forever in my debt.

We have been trying to handle this ourselves and use the lawyers sparingly but alas I think we are past the point on no return and we will be pulling out the big guns now. This makes me sad, confused, and hurt. I guess I feel like if you are really as sorry as you have claimed then this should be a slam dunk. Just give me what I want after all I am being fair and reasonable. When I went to get my things I left him almost everything except my personal family heirlooms, some artwork, and my personal items like books and clothes.

Part of the problem with settlement is that B wants me to sign an agreement which would allow him to stop paying alimony in 2025 but I won’t do it. Obviously. Here in the State of California, after you have been married over 10 years, the court is always in your business in regards to spousal support basically for the rest of your life. This means until one of us dies we can go back into court and, in his case…try to stop or significantly reduce support…or in my case…try to increase support. Needless to say, the rest of your life has significant meaning and I suspect we will see each other in court many times in the future.

Yesterday I received an email from B stating that unless we came to an agreement by May 26 that he was beginning the process of getting jurisdiction changed to Texas. I think he did this because: A) the CA court just set out divorce hearing now to NOVEMBER and from what I understand it is because of COVID. B) Texas is more favorable to him and only grants spousal support for 3 years maximum.  Well, good luck on that one. The court fight would last for years.

Another thing that this divorce has brought on is a major increase in the severity of my fibromyalgia. Last Thursday and Friday I was in so much pain I spent the days pretty much in bed. Obviously, for me stress increases the number and severity of the flare ups and I don’t like it one bit. My anxiety is also high which makes looking at anything B sends worrisome because I feel as if he is always trying to be sneaky and underhanded about what is ever on the table. This isn’t surprising since he lied to me just about everyday for five years. With him I don’t trust what appears to be real anymore because most likely it is not.

The good news is I am spending a lot of time on the coast with my daughter and our new puppy. Since the coastal house is going up for sale due to the divorce and this is where my heart feels safe and warm; I am trying to spend every minute that I can here. Being here helps keep me centered and I don’t ruminate over all the lies and deception that B spread like manure over our marriage. Here I am free.

 

The Irony Of Being Prepared

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I confess.

I am one of THOSE people.

For years I have been overly prepared in case of a disaster.

I HAD enough freeze-dried food saved to feed my family for a year.

A water purifier that you could siphon water from the lake (had that siphon too) and have clear clean water? Yes, I HAD that.

Portable solar generator with solar panels and lights. Yep.

Stockpile of seeds. Check.

Portable greenhouse. HAD that too.

Crank radio and generator. One of my earliest purchases.

Rope, flint, fishing hooks and tackle, water proof matches, books on how to make your own soap and butcher a cow…I HAD it all.

You name it and I HAD it.

Be prepared was my motto  It is the motto that I am pretty sure that the Boy Scouts stole from me way back when.

You will note in the above writing, that the operative word is HAD. As in I HAD this or that; which I find to be the biggest irony of all in the cheater saga of the past five years. It is ironic that B has “custody” of every survival item that I ever bought in order to “save” our family sitting in OUR home in Texas while I work my ass off in CA using a breaker bar to pull out all the HUGE rocks in order to install a vegetable garden. The food, the generator, the purifier… he has everything. And while I find comfort in the fact that I know my boys will be well taken care of … it doesn’t help Gracie and I out here in CA not one little bit. Let’s only hope I never find out if he sends the food to his mistress but why wouldn’t he when he sent her $50,000 so she “wouldn’t get gray hair with worry” according to her.

The other day I texted B and asked him to send out the seeds so I could, should times get worse, ensure Gracie’s and my survival. Here is his response:IMG_4765 copy

And so I learned quite a bit from this exchange. First and foremost is that he does not give a shit about us and frankly that is the most important thing. That is what will stick in the front of my mind when we go to court. The other 10 things I learned from this text just aren’t as important as that. Just a friendly reminder to myself that it is all about him. Nothing has changed but then again usually nothing does for a selfish liar.

I hope you are all doing well during this time of social distancing. It is a good time to catch up on all those things that we have been putting off.

May your day be joyful. May you learn something.

As for me…its time to go move some boulders!!! My Fibromyalgia is still kicking my ass so prayers would be welcome that this doesn’t do me in.

 

 

 

 

Big Changes

Well, everyone is facing major changes these days…are we not? It is in how we handle them that we will one day be able to look back and determine our own humanity and if we rose to the occasion of acting and being our best or not. Determining what is important to our concept of a higher good and promoting what we consider to be virtues that we wish to live by will, undoubtedly, be a test for us all as we go through this uncharted territory.

But I digress.

Last week I flew to Texas to be with the kids. I took them to an island off the coast for Spring Break and we had a wonderful time. Our condo was right on the beach and to hear the waves rolling in was a treat and something you could depend on in these uncertain times. Of course, South Padre Island is party city during break, but not this year, as events began to be canceled due to the virus outbreak.

After arriving back in San Antonio Sunday night, I began to get concerned about if I would be able to fly home on Thursday. With all the corona virus news and the policies that the President was implementing it seemed like the right course of action would be to leave in the next day or two. Getting stuck at my Texas home with B, possibly indefinitely, sounded like it could be very uncomfortable. It was further complicated by the fact that his traitor sister, who promoted B’s affair, was driving in on Thursday with her daughter and I figured that three against one did not make for good odds. Frankly, I began to question just what they might do to me. I mean, they have no loyalty to the person who has helped them over the years (me) and I was concerned that they could concoct some sort of story and I might see the inside of a jail cell, so I changed my airline reservation and got a credit fo $200…a rather nice surprise!

Things began to change rapidly in regards to the corona virus across the state and the country. By the end of the day on Monday, the kids school was being closed and the diving program was possibly being terminated for a undetermined amount of time. When I went to pick Gracie up from practice I thought that perhaps it would be a good time to ask if she wanted to go with me and give her a taste of what living with me might be like. So I asked her if she wanted to come home with me and she couldn’t say yes fast enough. So I told her that she had to tell her dad and then I would book a ticket for her.

When we got home B flat out said, “No, she is not going. She has school and practice. No, she may not go!”

Gracie begged.

He was unrelenting.

I finally told him school was closed and I would get her to practice her and frankly, she had the right to make her own decision and that at her age a judge would let her do what she wanted. I told him I was going upstairs and would try to order a ticket for her. He was angry and not happy but I booked a ticket for her anyway. Later he accused me of plotting to take Gracie but in reality I had no plans of doing so. The reality of the situation is this: because of the corona virus, an opportunity arose, and as a result of it, Grace and I decided to take advantage of the time together that it presented.

Later that evening I told Paul and that because he had a neurology appointment on Thursday he could not come with me. However, if he wanted to come after that he was welcome to do so. He seemed hurt and angry that night but the whole entire time I was there he appeared to be angry at me. For instance, when I asked innocently what B was doing the weekend we were on Padre he gave me a big defensive “WHY?” and it began to seem that he was beginning to, for lack of a better word, make it a B (and him) vs me type of situation. Frankly, that saddens and worries me.

Later that evening I asked B why he seemed to dislike me so much and he replied, “I don’t hate you. I still love you and care for you”  to which I replied something like: “…you know, it was hearing (the butt dialed) conversation between you and your sister that made me leave. The distain and hatred you have for me was so evident and never once did you correct the lies and ugliness your sister said to you about me. That is not love. The things you said were not loving so please don’t tell me your care for me and love me because no one speaks about someone they love the way the two of you spoke about me Hearing the two of you broke my heart and it became evident when you talked about Nhi with such love and me with such anger that it was time for me to leave.”

Anyway, the next morning, before our departure, B played his instrument and hummed all morning long. Not a word was mentioned about our impending trip.  He dropped us off at the airport giving Gracie a brief hug and was gone.

The airports were eerily quiet. On our flight from San Antonio to Las Vegas the 145 passenger plane had 32 people on it while the second leg of our flight from Las Vegas to California sat 50 individuals out of a possible 175. I have never seen so few people on a plane in my life.

So Gracie and I are here. She will be doing long-distance on-line learning through her school. It is nice to have one of my kids with me….it feels good…it feels right and it is wonderful being a hands-on mom again even though my fibromyalgia is still kicking my butt. But having Gracie here makes the pain bearable because she is such a joy to be around.

Another interesting development…B’s sister did not come after all but her daughter (the Meth-head (clean for a little over 100 days) flew in instead of drive…my, how plans change!

If you remember, B stated after I left, that he would have to hire someone to help him even though my kids said they did not need anyone to come in nor did they need any help. I now suspect that he brought his niece to Texas to be the nanny. When I asked how long she would be staying the original answer was a couple of weeks. I then asked if she didn’t need to return to her job at which point B said, “Well, maybe three weeks or a month. I don’t know at this point.” What I do know is that on her Facebook page she wrote “TBD” when a friend asked how long she was staying. As friends who have met her said at this turn of events, “Well, how would that work? Gracie is more mature and together than she ever will be.” And so, a messed up 26 yo is at the house providing guidance to my sons and I don’t like it one bit. Luckily, the boys are both anti-drug so I hope that provides some level of protection.

One more thing. Since moving here and living alone I have found it difficult to sleep at night. I have heard every creak and groan of the house during the night. So yesterday, Grace and I went to pick out an alarm. Here it is…

 

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Going Back To The Gaslighter

Tomorrow I leave for Texas. It will be wonderful to see my kids but it will not be wonderful to see their dad. Every time i am there I am terrified that he will do something…what I don’t know but I do know that I do not feel safe. Physically I feel safe but mentally I do not. When someone has screwed with you for five years and everyday was just new lie waiting to be inflicted on you…there is no way to feel safe ever again.

I did make it to the doctor regarding my Fibromyalgia. She prescribed the usual Cymbalta and was concerned about how my legs were in such crippling pain. I have some blood work to do and back to see her in two weeks. My therapist had an interesting take on the matter. She said I needed to honor my fibromyalgia in that it was telling me to slow down and take time for myself and that the more I try to deny my anger at this situation I find myself in regarding the divorce; that the worse the Fibromyalgia is going to get until I give myself the mental and physical rest it needs from five years of mental abuse. I guess she should know. She has been on this journey with me from the start and she knows exactly what B did to me and just how conniving and destructive it was to me and the kids.

In a similar vein, someone I love and respect sent me this video of the new Dixie Chicks song, Gaslighter, and said, “How fitting. Someone made a video of your marriage just change the words from “we moved to California” to “We moved to Texas.”

Even more true to just how much B’s affair and our impending divorce has just about done me in over the past five years. I can relate as Maines sings. “I’m your mirror, Standing here until you can see how/You broke me.” Just insert my photo in Maines place and you can see how broken I really am. In fact, this song feels like a personal anthem dedicated to me.

So I leave you with this wonderful new video and if you have your own gaslighter in your life I hope that you get some strength knowing that you are not alone in the situation.

P.S. Thank you for all the lovely responses and comments. For whatever reason I am unable to respond or reply. Just know that I so appreciate your support.

The Pain of Fibromyalgia

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I don’t write about it often. At times. the mental pain of B’s five year affair has occupied me enough so I figure who really wants to listen about the physical pain that resides in my body…not me. Usually, I ignore it. Pretend if I don’t acknowledge it that it doesn’t exist. But the pain of fibromyalgia is often with me and for the past month it has been my constant companion My legs burn all day long and at night I wake up often as the burning pain creeps from my toes to my thighs rumbling like thunder across the grassy plains.

The soreness and muscle fatigue also snake through my shoulders and down my arms until my arms are so heavy it feels as if they are pulling a tank.  My neck often feels as if it is missing the very threads needed to keep it on straight as if the parts don’t line up and the awkward angle throbs. Combined with the fibro fog in my brain which makes studying almost useless and retention of facts nearly impossible..well, let’s just say I have had better days.

Usually I have managed to keep the pain at bay by keeping stress down, meditation, light exercise like walking and getting enough rest. But since I left B the pain has intensified to the point of being unbearable at times. I don’t know if it because I am under a different type of stress or if the sadness I am feeling is just making itself at home throughout my body. Or perhaps, when I had my family I was so busy and was depended on to such an extent that I couldn’t just sink into the pain and let it envelope me. But now, in this new life I hurt. Every inch of me aches and this physical pain combined with the mental torment has produced a tsunami that is pulling me under. Today the pain was so bad it was difficult t get out of bed without crawling on the floor first to find the support I needed to lift myself up.

THIS SUCKS.

Long story short, I went to the doctor today crying like a fool and she has put me back on the typical meds available to fibromyalgia patients. There really isn’t a great treatment available unless you go the Dr. Paul St. Armand way which is probably the closest thing to finding a path towards relief. I have his book…somewhere… and plan to look at it again when found.

In the meantime, I have decided to try and get more sleep, eat more greens and increase my meditate time in an attempt to cleanse my body of things that damage it instead of holding on to those things that keep it in a state of disrepair. Perhaps with the meds and taking better care of myself I can bring myself back from the brink of never-ending pain to that of just manageable pain…and with it a way to view life in a more positive way because I am tired of these “growing” pains.OIP-1