Divorce

Mexico Turns Me Into A Socialite

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If you know me, you know I am a pretty quiet person who doesn’t really “DO” parties and the like. I tend to stay at home, live quietly, and rarely go out. To most people that sounds like a person who is a wall flower but that is not me either. As a former journalist, I can talk to anyone and make them feel at home. But just because I can talk to anyone doesn’t mean I am gregarious or comfortable being outgoing…I am not but because I can ask questions people mistake me as such. So imagine my great surprise that since I have been in Queretaro I have become a MAJOR socialite.

To be fair, Barbarita took it upon herself to ask all her friends to check in on me and to invite me to different social situations. To say that her friends have followed her request would be a horrible understatement…and I am exhausted… but having fun. And I can say that I have learned that being a socialite, while exciting, is also hard work! LOL!

This past week, on Wednesday, I went and volunteered at the distribution center. On Thursday, B invited me to go into historic Queretaro and visit the sites. Then I was invited to dinner.

Thursday B invited me to girls coffee and grocery shopping afterwards. I got home and got a text from a lovely couple who invited me to dinner that night.

Friday, I was busy with another friend and when went out on a set-up date (don’t ask!). Today, two lovely ladies came over and taught me to make my first true Mexican dish from scratch…sopas. They spent the afternoon teaching me Spanish while I attempted to teach them English and it was a great way to spend the afternoon..

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment ($53 USA for exam, X-rays and having a cavity filled) On Tuesday and Thursday I have my Spanish lessons. Wednesday is working at the distribution center. And several other social invitations for next week await. While I can say with all honesty that this is not the “”usual” me; I will let you in on a little secret. Before I came to Mexico, I made myself a promise that I would try to say “YES” to anything asked of me and so far that is working out great. I am seeing so much and getting to know so many friendly people who are extremely kind and have taken this “gringa” under their wings. I have found that people on the whole are kind and compassionate and as a single woman housesitting throughout the world I find that I really appreciate this “socialite” role I have been thrust into thanks to Barbarita and her family. Adios Amigos!

Getting To Know You Getting To Know All About You

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In the week that I have been here I have gotten to” know ” quite a few people thanks to Barbarita and James. Everyone has been so kind and nice to me even though my Spanish is woefully Malo. But I keep trying to improve so I think they appreciate that I am willing to try. In fact, I have found in my travels that even if you know just a few words in another language and you are visiting for a short time that people appreciate the effort of showing them that you respect their culture or area enough to try to reach out. In this vein, I have decided to take Spanish lessons in an attempt to “fit in” a little more. It will be a challenge due to my age and the fact that everyone tells me that Mexican Spanish is a little different from Peruvian Spanish which is a tad different from Costa Rican Spanish; but I am excited to learn more and to be able to communicate with others.

Learning a new language is so much easier these days than say 20 years ago. This morning I watched Chicken Little in Mexican Spanish on Lingopie. I have also bought several children’s books from New 2 You (the second hand store in which I will be volunteering) in hopes that it will help me learn. It has been quite fun going back to my childhood to revisit stories that I once knew and that my parents read to me when I was a small child. It makes my insides smile.

Saturday, I attended a party to welcome me to Mexico and to thank the volunteers who work at the store. It was thrown by Barbarita and I met many people who were kind and welcoming. In fact, two of the ladies, one of whom is a great cook have offered to come over during the week to break bread and learn each other’s respective languages. Gabby (who speaks no English) and I had a good time trying to talk to one another through hand gestures and when the going got rough using a translator. She is going to make Sopas for me next week and I am so excited about it. Several other ladies offered to make dinner dates and to go walking together in the mornings. I am excited to get to know these soon to be friends.

Deciding to make the move and experience to different countries at my age has been an interesting adventure. Yet, I can say that I truly believe that the love and acceptance I will find on my travels, while unexpected, will be a gift that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to get to know various cultures, geographies, and people as I make my way to exciting and unexpected places. Best of all, as I learn Spanish it will open even more doors of opportunity and friendship as I learn to connect with people who value connection and mutual understanding just as I do.

Adios por ahora

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

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One of my favorite musical artists is, Fia, a Swedish singer/songwriter. One of the songs she has written is called I AM and goes like this:

No, I am not who you think I am 
I am so much more, I am one with source 
I am limitless, infinite, powerful 
Abundant, complete from the start, creator of all 
I am that I am 
Oh yes, I am that I am

That is how I am feeling right now as I sit in Las Vegas getting ready to leave to Mexico for two months on Thursday. I am excited and a little scared. Yet, it is not the trip that scares me. What worries me is my health as I begin this journey. For several months now, I have been waiting to get an appointment for a colonoscopy and have been unable to secure one as here in the USA as the doctors offices are scheduling three months out. Hopefully, I can obtain a colonoscopy in Mexico to determine if I have polyps or colon cancer which is my diagnosis based on a Cologuard test. Frankly, I hate being in limbo and medical limbo is the absolute worst because you live with an abundance of fear for something that may or may not be, which wastes time, energy, and promotes negative thinking. Yet, I also feel at this time free and limitless… open to all the possibilities that are floating around my life at this time; just waiting for the hand that guides us to pluck my fate from the universe and to deal with the hand I have been dealt whatever it may be. And that in one sense feels liberating because I don’t have to try to control the situation; I just have to accept what IS at this particular moment.

Since deciding to sell my home three months ago to take off and explore the world, I have felt a lot of scary feelings. Yet, I also find that I am coming more aligned with myself, my spirit and my true essence. I have discovered that I AM so much more than than YOU or ME or anyone else thought I was. I feel more powerful and I have come to believe more times than not, that I am indeed the sole creator of all that I am. And with that power to create myself I have a responsibility to craft my life in a way which matches those values/traits I believe are important. To make sure that my journey includes compassion, integrity, joy, seeing things in an optimistic light and to treat others the way that I want to be treated. Further, it requires that I love myself in ways that have been difficult in the past; acceptance being of primary importance. Acceptance or approval of oneself should be easy but for so many of us it is a skill that needs to be re-learned after we lost it somewhere around the age of three when we played hide and seek and 61 years later we find that the game hasn’t ended… and I am still looking for that part of me that was lost all those years ago.

So as I embark on this journey which I hope will allow me to find myself and restore that sense of confidence I had when I was twenty, I ask myself to remember to be kind to myself and grant myself grace as I search for the things I have misplaced but so desperately want to commune with once again; allowing for unification of those parts of me I have yet to accept and in finally doing so will make me whole once again.

PS to my grandkids: I hope you learn from your grandmother to be brave and take chances. Know that bad things like an unwanted divorce may happen in your life but you can go on and create a life that is beautiful and meaningful to you. And for god sakes, please, never refer to me boring!

Moved And Living Out Of A Suitcase

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So, it has been a crazy month between arriving home and immediately working on packing my house, finding a storage facility, trying to learn a bit of Spanish and finally getting gone. Some of the things I will miss the most include watching the marine layer lift from its banks, sitting in my garden, the warm laughter of friends and seeing the ocean whenever I wanted. Truly, there are very few places as gorgeous as the Southern Oregon coast.

After my house closed in early May, I proceeded to a friends house for close to two weeks. We took a final fly fishing trip together and while I did not catch any fish I enjoyed the Umpqua River and all its beauty. I am so thankful that this ex-lover introduced me to fly fishing which has given me hours of pleasure and taught me the value of patience. I also reconnected with a past lover who made an evening memorable and made me laugh heartily which I desperately needed. During this time I also turned 64…an age that is immortalized in that Beatles song…the lyrics finally ring true at this age!

On May 21st I left Oregon and headed to San Jose where the Gracie graduated from San Jose State. Hard to believe that my 20 yo young woman is headed off into the big wide world on her own. She’s come a long way since when she left as a 17 year old girl. Almost the entire family attended the graduation except the oldest and I spent two days in the company of my ex. It was a test for me of sorts but I have found that enough time has passed with very little contact so that the intense feelings that were felt when I left five years ago have mellowed with time and therapy. Do I trust him? NO. Do I like him? Only for what he has done for our children in the past year. Do I hate him? NO because hate only serves to hurt the hater and not the one who those emotions are direct at. I have come a long way, worked hard and am happy that I have reached a sense of neutrality about him whereas five years ago that would have been hard to imagine.

Yesterday, I flew to my oldest daughters home where I am visiting with the grandkids. Next week I head to Michigan to visit with my almost 89 yo father. While we have not always gotten along as I would have liked; I am reminding myself that this will possibly be the last time I see him which allows for a perspective that is entrenched in visions consisting of love and compassion. From there I head to Las Vegas to stay with my best friend for almost two weeks until I leave for Queretaro, Mexico for two months. After Mexico I head to Costa Rica to housesit for six weeks. While I am elated about these prospects, I am also facing a health issue that is concerning and that outcome will determine if I am able to keep traveling or if I will be forced to change plans and face surgery…or worse. And the worse is what stops me in my tracks. So often, we put off living for kids, mortgages, and retirement only to find when we reach our Golden Years disease robs us of our dreams for our future. I have been lucky. I have lived so many of my dreams and done many of those things that are important to me. Yet, I know of many who have not. It matters not if you are young or old. You have the choice to decide that now is the time for you to start really living your life in a way that is meaningful and authentic to you. You are alive NOW so use your time wisely and start making a promise to yourself that each year you will accomplish one thing that you believe will be important to your personal growth and benefit the world/people around you.

Queretaro, Mexico

Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four – The Beatles

Divorce…Who Ever Said It Would Be Easy

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

'Hello, Haratty, Pearson and Smythe, messy divorce specialists!'

I think one of the reasons that B and I waited as long as we did to divorce is because we didn’t ever want to be at the point we are at…asset and spousal support. This part really sucks because all it does is bring out all the hurt and anger that were brewing before I left on the part of both of us.

One of the things B has said to me numerous times is that my attorney sucks so I have decided to take his advice and yesterday I hired a new attorney at a large law firm…we shall see how well B likes dealing with THE FIRM. Thank you B for pointing this out to me. I think that YOU will be forever in my debt.

We have been trying to handle this ourselves and use the lawyers sparingly but alas I think we are past the point on no return and we will be pulling out the big guns now. This makes me sad, confused, and hurt. I guess I feel like if you are really as sorry as you have claimed then this should be a slam dunk. Just give me what I want after all I am being fair and reasonable. When I went to get my things I left him almost everything except my personal family heirlooms, some artwork, and my personal items like books and clothes.

Part of the problem with settlement is that B wants me to sign an agreement which would allow him to stop paying alimony in 2025 but I won’t do it. Obviously. Here in the State of California, after you have been married over 10 years, the court is always in your business in regards to spousal support basically for the rest of your life. This means until one of us dies we can go back into court and, in his case…try to stop or significantly reduce support…or in my case…try to increase support. Needless to say, the rest of your life has significant meaning and I suspect we will see each other in court many times in the future.

Yesterday I received an email from B stating that unless we came to an agreement by May 26 that he was beginning the process of getting jurisdiction changed to Texas. I think he did this because: A) the CA court just set out divorce hearing now to NOVEMBER and from what I understand it is because of COVID. B) Texas is more favorable to him and only grants spousal support for 3 years maximum.  Well, good luck on that one. The court fight would last for years.

Another thing that this divorce has brought on is a major increase in the severity of my fibromyalgia. Last Thursday and Friday I was in so much pain I spent the days pretty much in bed. Obviously, for me stress increases the number and severity of the flare ups and I don’t like it one bit. My anxiety is also high which makes looking at anything B sends worrisome because I feel as if he is always trying to be sneaky and underhanded about what is ever on the table. This isn’t surprising since he lied to me just about everyday for five years. With him I don’t trust what appears to be real anymore because most likely it is not.

The good news is I am spending a lot of time on the coast with my daughter and our new puppy. Since the coastal house is going up for sale due to the divorce and this is where my heart feels safe and warm; I am trying to spend every minute that I can here. Being here helps keep me centered and I don’t ruminate over all the lies and deception that B spread like manure over our marriage. Here I am free.

 

Welcome To Adulthood

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

OIP

This has been a tough day. Every day has had its challenges since I left my husband and my family but today especially so. Today is Paul’s 18th birthday and I wasn’t there to help celebrate thanks to COVID-19 and Paul was upset. Even though he knows I could not come for the past few weeks he has still asked, “Are you coming?”

At first I wondered if it was his autism talking. Kind of like it wasn’t computing that I would not be there. But the other day I realized it was his way of coping with the fact that this would be the first time there was a major celebration or holiday since our break-up and he was struggling with the fact that our family was no longer what it had always been…a place that provided a sense of comfort and security. Now there is none of that left. Nothing intact or nothing familiar about a milestone birthday and he just wanted it back to the way it had been. Frankly, so did I.

A tradition in our family has been that the birthday boy/girl got to choose the restaurant where they wanted to celebrate their big day. Obviously, with COVID 19 this was not an option. So I thought really hard about how I could make Paul’s day very special even though I would be unable to be there with him.

Paul is a foodie. He appreciates new tastes, flavors, and atmospheres. So, I decided that since he would not be able to go out to dinner I would bring dinner into him. Because his birthday was on a Monday his dinner would have to be celebrated on Saturday since food companies do not ship on Saturdays or Sundays. First strike to this birthday dinner…it would not be able to be celebrated on the day of his birth… yet he was excited anyway. I ordered a dozen Chesapeake Bay crabs to be delivered complete with brown paper and mallets. Next a few filet mignon steaks followed by a speciality cake which Paul saved for today.

Well, the steaks never arrived but luckily I was told the crabs were superb. And today it appears that the cake was a hit for everyone but me. Instead of tears of joy for Paul today I cried tears of sorrow for me. Why? Two days of celebration and no one bothered to Face Time me so I could share in the joy of seeing Paul enjoy his gifts from me. So I could watch him enter into his adulthood. AND IT HURT. BADLY. All I know was last April when I had B leave our house I would invite him to dinner just about every night so he could be there with our family but the same sort of courtesy was not extended to me… the person who made this dinner that they all enjoyed happen.  Sadly, it never occurred to B to offer the same to me.

Sometimes I wonder how my life got to a place where I don’t even recognize it anymore. What happened to compassion and concern we once shared? I often contemplate how I could have given so much of myself to someone who had such little regard for me and continues to show nothing but distain. But what I do know is my son is entering adulthood today and so am I. His is full of life, adventure and openness whereas mine is one of loss, fear and regret. I am trying to grant compassion and not hold hate in my heart for someone who cheated on me and did me wrong but somedays make it darn near impossible. Today was one of those.

So,  to Paul,  welcome to adulthood ….  make it a good one.

And to me…welcome to real middle aged adulthood… what the fuck are you going to do with it?

remember-those-times-on-the-trampoline-when-you-d-fall-12940097

 

 

 

 

 

The Irony Of Being Prepared

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

OIP-1

I confess.

I am one of THOSE people.

For years I have been overly prepared in case of a disaster.

I HAD enough freeze-dried food saved to feed my family for a year.

A water purifier that you could siphon water from the lake (had that siphon too) and have clear clean water? Yes, I HAD that.

Portable solar generator with solar panels and lights. Yep.

Stockpile of seeds. Check.

Portable greenhouse. HAD that too.

Crank radio and generator. One of my earliest purchases.

Rope, flint, fishing hooks and tackle, water proof matches, books on how to make your own soap and butcher a cow…I HAD it all.

You name it and I HAD it.

Be prepared was my motto  It is the motto that I am pretty sure that the Boy Scouts stole from me way back when.

You will note in the above writing, that the operative word is HAD. As in I HAD this or that; which I find to be the biggest irony of all in the cheater saga of the past five years. It is ironic that B has “custody” of every survival item that I ever bought in order to “save” our family sitting in OUR home in Texas while I work my ass off in CA using a breaker bar to pull out all the HUGE rocks in order to install a vegetable garden. The food, the generator, the purifier… he has everything. And while I find comfort in the fact that I know my boys will be well taken care of … it doesn’t help Gracie and I out here in CA not one little bit. Let’s only hope I never find out if he sends the food to his mistress but why wouldn’t he when he sent her $50,000 so she “wouldn’t get gray hair with worry” according to her.

The other day I texted B and asked him to send out the seeds so I could, should times get worse, ensure Gracie’s and my survival. Here is his response:IMG_4765 copy

And so I learned quite a bit from this exchange. First and foremost is that he does not give a shit about us and frankly that is the most important thing. That is what will stick in the front of my mind when we go to court. The other 10 things I learned from this text just aren’t as important as that. Just a friendly reminder to myself that it is all about him. Nothing has changed but then again usually nothing does for a selfish liar.

I hope you are all doing well during this time of social distancing. It is a good time to catch up on all those things that we have been putting off.

May your day be joyful. May you learn something.

As for me…its time to go move some boulders!!! My Fibromyalgia is still kicking my ass so prayers would be welcome that this doesn’t do me in.

 

 

 

 

Big Changes

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

Well, everyone is facing major changes these days…are we not? It is in how we handle them that we will one day be able to look back and determine our own humanity and if we rose to the occasion of acting and being our best or not. Determining what is important to our concept of a higher good and promoting what we consider to be virtues that we wish to live by will, undoubtedly, be a test for us all as we go through this uncharted territory.

But I digress.

Last week I flew to Texas to be with the kids. I took them to an island off the coast for Spring Break and we had a wonderful time. Our condo was right on the beach and to hear the waves rolling in was a treat and something you could depend on in these uncertain times. Of course, South Padre Island is party city during break, but not this year, as events began to be canceled due to the virus outbreak.

After arriving back in San Antonio Sunday night, I began to get concerned about if I would be able to fly home on Thursday. With all the corona virus news and the policies that the President was implementing it seemed like the right course of action would be to leave in the next day or two. Getting stuck at my Texas home with B, possibly indefinitely, sounded like it could be very uncomfortable. It was further complicated by the fact that his traitor sister, who promoted B’s affair, was driving in on Thursday with her daughter and I figured that three against one did not make for good odds. Frankly, I began to question just what they might do to me. I mean, they have no loyalty to the person who has helped them over the years (me) and I was concerned that they could concoct some sort of story and I might see the inside of a jail cell, so I changed my airline reservation and got a credit fo $200…a rather nice surprise!

Things began to change rapidly in regards to the corona virus across the state and the country. By the end of the day on Monday, the kids school was being closed and the diving program was possibly being terminated for a undetermined amount of time. When I went to pick Gracie up from practice I thought that perhaps it would be a good time to ask if she wanted to go with me and give her a taste of what living with me might be like. So I asked her if she wanted to come home with me and she couldn’t say yes fast enough. So I told her that she had to tell her dad and then I would book a ticket for her.

When we got home B flat out said, “No, she is not going. She has school and practice. No, she may not go!”

Gracie begged.

He was unrelenting.

I finally told him school was closed and I would get her to practice her and frankly, she had the right to make her own decision and that at her age a judge would let her do what she wanted. I told him I was going upstairs and would try to order a ticket for her. He was angry and not happy but I booked a ticket for her anyway. Later he accused me of plotting to take Gracie but in reality I had no plans of doing so. The reality of the situation is this: because of the corona virus, an opportunity arose, and as a result of it, Grace and I decided to take advantage of the time together that it presented.

Later that evening I told Paul and that because he had a neurology appointment on Thursday he could not come with me. However, if he wanted to come after that he was welcome to do so. He seemed hurt and angry that night but the whole entire time I was there he appeared to be angry at me. For instance, when I asked innocently what B was doing the weekend we were on Padre he gave me a big defensive “WHY?” and it began to seem that he was beginning to, for lack of a better word, make it a B (and him) vs me type of situation. Frankly, that saddens and worries me.

Later that evening I asked B why he seemed to dislike me so much and he replied, “I don’t hate you. I still love you and care for you”  to which I replied something like: “…you know, it was hearing (the butt dialed) conversation between you and your sister that made me leave. The distain and hatred you have for me was so evident and never once did you correct the lies and ugliness your sister said to you about me. That is not love. The things you said were not loving so please don’t tell me your care for me and love me because no one speaks about someone they love the way the two of you spoke about me Hearing the two of you broke my heart and it became evident when you talked about Nhi with such love and me with such anger that it was time for me to leave.”

Anyway, the next morning, before our departure, B played his instrument and hummed all morning long. Not a word was mentioned about our impending trip.  He dropped us off at the airport giving Gracie a brief hug and was gone.

The airports were eerily quiet. On our flight from San Antonio to Las Vegas the 145 passenger plane had 32 people on it while the second leg of our flight from Las Vegas to California sat 50 individuals out of a possible 175. I have never seen so few people on a plane in my life.

So Gracie and I are here. She will be doing long-distance on-line learning through her school. It is nice to have one of my kids with me….it feels good…it feels right and it is wonderful being a hands-on mom again even though my fibromyalgia is still kicking my butt. But having Gracie here makes the pain bearable because she is such a joy to be around.

Another interesting development…B’s sister did not come after all but her daughter (the Meth-head (clean for a little over 100 days) flew in instead of drive…my, how plans change!

If you remember, B stated after I left, that he would have to hire someone to help him even though my kids said they did not need anyone to come in nor did they need any help. I now suspect that he brought his niece to Texas to be the nanny. When I asked how long she would be staying the original answer was a couple of weeks. I then asked if she didn’t need to return to her job at which point B said, “Well, maybe three weeks or a month. I don’t know at this point.” What I do know is that on her Facebook page she wrote “TBD” when a friend asked how long she was staying. As friends who have met her said at this turn of events, “Well, how would that work? Gracie is more mature and together than she ever will be.” And so, a messed up 26 yo is at the house providing guidance to my sons and I don’t like it one bit. Luckily, the boys are both anti-drug so I hope that provides some level of protection.

One more thing. Since moving here and living alone I have found it difficult to sleep at night. I have heard every creak and groan of the house during the night. So yesterday, Grace and I went to pick out an alarm. Here it is…

 

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Conversation With Paul

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

I had a conversation with my 17 yo son, Paul, this morning. It broke my heart. He told me that Andre and Gracie where so different since I have been gone. More isolated than usual, sadder… with no spark… but that when we were together for the diving competition last week that the spark returned…all because they were with me and because we were a family again.

He went on to tell me that I was what kept our family balanced and alive. That I was what kept the life in the family. That while I was there they always knew that I had their backs. That they can talk to me but not to their dad. That the love that was felt in our family was because of me and if they knew of love it was because of me and without me there something vital and important is missing from their lives. And that because they knew I am coming to be with them that there is life in the house again.

I cannot think of more beautiful words than what Paul said to me nor could I think of a bigger compliment to pay to a mother. In fact, the tears have arrived once more as I put his words to screen because the decision to leave my children behind to get away from the gaslighter was the hardest decision I ever made. It was so difficult that I stayed for two years after learning all the sorrid details, having $50,000 of our money go to Mistress Vietnam, and being emotionally abused while cheater decided who he wanted in his life…and then I was lied to even more. Five years of wasted time with B but obviously not with my children. Because of those five years with me they developed those qualities that they needed to be strong now, be able to love now and to have faith/hope that things will get better for them. They saw me try and give it my all and now they can do the same for themselves.

So thank you, son. Your Momma needed to hear your loving words. I can hardly wait to spend a week with all of you!

a-mother_s-love