honesty

Into The Dark I Go

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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So this week I went to see my therapist. We had an interesting discussion in which she told me that I do not have to say out loud every thought that enters my brain. And while I have “understood” this for quite a while I have a hard time putting it into practice for it stems from some parts of my childhood and marriage that are not yet resolved. For whatever reason, I associate that saying what you feel it = honesty. Not saying what you feel = dishonesty.

“How is that working for you?” she asked. “Not too well is it? I have to say your radar on honesty and dishonesty is out of whack. It is a defense that has nothing to do with true honesty and you need to work hard to figure it out.”

Even I have to admit she is correct. Evidence shows that this way of operating befuddles me and creates unnecessary pain for myself and others.

She went on:

“You think you are being honest when in fact you are not because you are not allowing time for things to gel. By jumping the gun you are getting facts wrong or putting them in a category that they do not belong in. You are not containing what you are thinking long enough to see if the facts line up with your powerful intuition and when you speak from intuition without the facts you are not being honest.You are not being mindful. In fact, by not allowing time to pass in which you can throughly examine what is before you, well, you are contributing to some of the dishonesty that occurs in your life.”

Ouch.

“Further,” she went on, “When you speak too soon it shows that you are not operating in a conscious and mindful manner. It shows that you are just surviving which is not healthy.”.

Ugh

Again she is right …which makes the near future a whole lot more difficult. Because once again I have got some heavy duty work to do on myself which means unpacking a lot of boxes that lie in the Place of Mystery which are hidden in the deep and dark recesses of my mind. And while I know it will be worth it in the end, right now it feels like trying to unwrap a house that has been encased in yards of cellophane one layer at a time. This feels hard, tiresome and exhausting.  And it will be. I try to remind myself that to produce the change I want to see, I have to put forth effort. So today, I start by unpacking one box and putting one foot in front of the other… so I get eventually get where I want to go.

With the light of wisdom

We leave behind the forest of confusion.

With determination we learn,

We reflect and practice -Thich Nhat Hanh

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YOU ARE THE JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 4 Comments

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This weekend I was on trial. YOU KNEW I have been having severe pain for weeks and was having it when the “incident” happened. You knew my cousin was visiting but you would not step in and control the boys when they were so out of control.  You did not step in to help but instead chose to sit in judgement me when I finally lost it. And I didn’t even yell. NOT ONCE. How dare you!

You say,” I don’t know if I can live with you because you yell too much”, so I quit.Now its, “I don’t know if I can live with you because you sound stern and mad and point your finger.” How would you like me to handle discipline in our home so our kids know that things are a serious matter? Smile sweetly and in a chirpy voice say, “Oh please, sweet boys stop what you are doing. I beg of you?” UGH.

I am NOT your mother. You are NOT my son. I am who I am. A person trying their best. Changing. Me Changing. Yet somehow it always seems as though I am the person in this relationship needing to be the one to change…what about you? Are you putting as much effort into those things I told you I would like to see you change? Let me answer that for you. NO you are not.

So let me in on a little secret. People get upset. Yeah I know you don’t like to because you want everyone to like you especially our kids. Our kids who know this is your weakness and exploit it. Our adult daughter who admits this and says it sucks for the adult but is grand for the child. Guess what, I have emotions that I show which make you uncomfortable because you don’t or won’t show yours because your mother punished you for it and you are afraid that will happen with me. No insist that it will/does so you use it as your excuse not to figure out who you are as an emotional being.  And yet you stand in judgement of me. And if I don’t do what you want, what you need, then you will leave. But surprise it might be me whose ass is hit by the door on the way out because I have to be who I am and frankly it ain’t so bad. Sure there are things that need refining. But at least I feel. At least I can say what it is I know as my truth, my faults, my goods and my bads.  I show those sides of me and no one has to spend their energy trying to guess what it is going on inside my head.

And surprise, here is one for you…often I can even understand why you feel the way you do. But just because I speak my truth in the way I do and you get flooded…that has nothing to do with me but with your relationship with your mother and I cannot deal with that because it is your issue that you do not want to have to look hard at.

And so I go to my therapist and we go to joint counseling but when are you going to go down deep and work on you? I’m trying to change for me, for us and for our family and to do so I am having to go to places I don’t want to examine but I do it because it needs to be done. When are you going to get brave and do that too? When are you going to really look at how your past is effecting our lives now and in the future?

 

Shine Like The Sun…286 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

Today I want to shine like the sun

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My shadow lightly parting the clouds

Providing guidance and love to those who are experiencing darkness

Today I want to hang on the moon

Dipping dangerously towards a gravity-free way of life

My spirit untethered and with no restrictions

Today I want to dance without shame

To move and groove unencumbered by others expectations

Turning off my mind and letting my body move to its own rhythm

Today I want to say “FUCK YOU”

To anyone who tries to put me in my place

And tells me I can’t be happy, smart and beautiful in my own way

Today I want to ride the rapids of life

Challenging myself to steer my own boat

Away from the gullies and those that may try to pull me under

Today I want to lie naked in the sand

My body coming alive under the sweet whisper of the wind and spray of the sea

Remaining in the moment, unaware of those watching and who may disapprove

Today I want to be everything I am meant to be

A 100% true original

I want to dwell in the depths of my soul

I want to embrace my spirit

And be cognizant of all that I am and can be

Today I want to be ME.

Honesty…The Double Edged Sword

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

I pride myself on being honest and feel that it is the most important quality a marriage must have to survive. But recently I have also come to realize it is a double edged sword. Take last night. B and I were out walking and I told him I thought I was working hard on changing those things that REALLY mattered to him. For instance, I have not yelled once in almost 2 weeks, I am definately keeping the house cleaner, we are being much more intimate, etc. I even went so far as to leave him THINGS TO DO LIST on the refridge telling him that until we went to marriage counseling I was willing to show him he is being heard by having him write one thing per day on the list that he would like done around the house. I, of course, would continue to do the other housework but would add this chore to the list of things that needed to be done. That was a biggie for me but I felt it was important that he knew I did value what he wanted and how he felt.

So as we were walking I asked him if he thought I was working hard on changing things that mattered to him like not yelling, cleaning more, buying out Victoria’s Secret, etc. He replied yes he did think I was. Then I went into the land mine asking him if he thought he was doing the same. And he said “Yes” and I I thought, “really, cause I’m not seeing it” so I asked “How?”. And he replied by being more intimate and making you feel desired. WHAT????? Really…because that isn’t benefitting you at all is it? NO, really I want to know BESIDES SEX what are you doing to change and then I realized that I had stepped on the trip wire just by the look on his face. And then I saved the night by saying, “Well I have noticed you are listening to me more” and in doing so lied. I lied because I didn’t want him to feel like “oh there she goes again I can never do anything right.” I lied because I realized I was going to ruin what had been a lovely evening by “going there.” I lied because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying, “NO, I really don’t feel like you are doing a whole lot of changing except for the fact you are having more sex. No, I really don’t feel like you are working very hard on yourself. In fact, it feels like you are being more selfish while sitting back and watching me run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make things better.”

Sorry to inform you but we are BOTH going to have to change if this marriage is to survive.

The other side of the blade also looks like this. Now that you have told me you love me but don’t really like me and now that you have told me that you might want to divorce it is hard for me to trust you and our relationship, whatever that may now be. And since you don’t share your feelings I fear that you will just walk in the door and say, “I’m done.” And that just makes me feel hopeless, scared and vulnerable. Sure, I know that I have to stop the yelling and that by doing so it will benefit everyone and also have a profound spiritual, mental and physical impact on me.  So whether B stays or leaves this is something that I am needing to accomplish for myself. But it feels so wrong to feel like my head is on the chopping block with the guillotine blade being held up by a thread. And that needs to somehow change if I am going to move forward and not sabotage this chance at saving our marriage.

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