It’s been five years

Stop looking for love they say

Love yourself first 

Find out who you are

But I have known who I am

For a very long time

And my heart has always belonged

Onto itself

While I slowly gave

Pieces of it to those 

Who did not appreciate

That it nourished them as well

I have given my love abundantly

Freely

Joyfully 

Without calculation

Because I believe

That is the way you do it

Without waiting

For “the other” to love you first

For connections are born in the sweetest of moments

And the quiet steady times

With no checklists 

No preconceived notions

Of every trait/attribute 

That someone must possess 

And without regards to whether 

They are matched completely

Which then allows for appreciation

And healthy attachment to that someone

You’ve admired but now adore

Wanting to honor them

By seeing the best in their character

And doing your utmost to show them respect

While minimizing their flaws

And I have to believe 

That as these feelings blossom

You can discover

That your belief in the preciousness 

Of what you have  

Keeps your person close

Because they want to be

Not because they have kept a tally sheet 

But because they appreciate 

That they are needed and desired 

Trusting  that it will be reciprocated

When an occasion of need arrives

I want to find that kind of love

Because Life is finite

I don’t want to become cynical

Giving up on men

Who don’t know who they are

And what they want

I don’t want to let go of:

Love

Touch 

All types of intimacy

Friendship

Shared laughter

Private just“for the two of us” jokes

And waking to that oh-so-right kind of touch

From the person

Who takes your breath away

And whose actions

Show you that love can be created

With a single touch

During one precious moment

In time

All of those components of love

That are revered on each page

Of my Book of Life

Are an essential

Part of the sweet nectar of life

And if present they result in

Satisfaction

Hope

Passion

Grace

Things I just don’t care

To live without

Yet, I am becoming afraid

That with all this heartbreak

And the deceit I have experienced

It will eventually lead

To irrational fear 

Disbelief

Distrust

Impatience

And reluctance 

So that love will become 

Elusive and improbable

Like the fairies of childhood

That floated with you

In the deep of night

For someone who has seen

What I have seen

Done what I have done

And fucked up those things

I should have paid more attention to

I worry that if I give up on love now

I will lose those things 

I was meant to know about myself

And others and life lessons that are derived

Through the eyes

The breath

And the love and respect

Of a person

I don’t NEED

But whose love I want to experience

In ways I can’t even conceive of, YET

THE ONE who provides a glimpse of all 

I have yet to discover about myself

My place in the world

And how to dwell comfortably 

In the heart of “my other”

And while I recognize 

That I am mostly lovable

Just the way I am

I fear that I will be denied

The opportunity to become the

Best version of myself 

Because I will be missing the perspective

And the gifts that we are taught

Through the patient love of another

Which are derived from just a subtle

Glance

Smile 

Honest conversation

A few tears

And quiet frustration

I want to give up 

My old habits of love

The kind I’ve dwelled in previously

Because I have discovered

That what I had was not

Gentle enough

Aware enough

Appreciative enough

Honest enough 

Yet, the kind of love

Offered by the person that now 

Stares me in the face

And challenges me

In regards to my notion of what’s important

Helps me to understand

That change is inevitable 

And it needs to be embraced and welcomed

In order to fulfill my destiny

And because my notion of love has changed

Through the gifts 

That truly seeing and appreciating

All the little things that “my other”

Brings to the table 

I finally recognize

That I am truly receiving

Those things which I never really

Knew that I craved and needed

And you only find

When you love yourself first

—