Believing in Yourself

Moved And Living Out Of A Suitcase

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

So, it has been a crazy month between arriving home and immediately working on packing my house, finding a storage facility, trying to learn a bit of Spanish and finally getting gone. Some of the things I will miss the most include watching the marine layer lift from its banks, sitting in my garden, the warm laughter of friends and seeing the ocean whenever I wanted. Truly, there are very few places as gorgeous as the Southern Oregon coast.

After my house closed in early May, I proceeded to a friends house for close to two weeks. We took a final fly fishing trip together and while I did not catch any fish I enjoyed the Umpqua River and all its beauty. I am so thankful that this ex-lover introduced me to fly fishing which has given me hours of pleasure and taught me the value of patience. I also reconnected with a past lover who made an evening memorable and made me laugh heartily which I desperately needed. During this time I also turned 64…an age that is immortalized in that Beatles song…the lyrics finally ring true at this age!

On May 21st I left Oregon and headed to San Jose where the Gracie graduated from San Jose State. Hard to believe that my 20 yo young woman is headed off into the big wide world on her own. She’s come a long way since when she left as a 17 year old girl. Almost the entire family attended the graduation except the oldest and I spent two days in the company of my ex. It was a test for me of sorts but I have found that enough time has passed with very little contact so that the intense feelings that were felt when I left five years ago have mellowed with time and therapy. Do I trust him? NO. Do I like him? Only for what he has done for our children in the past year. Do I hate him? NO because hate only serves to hurt the hater and not the one who those emotions are direct at. I have come a long way, worked hard and am happy that I have reached a sense of neutrality about him whereas five years ago that would have been hard to imagine.

Yesterday, I flew to my oldest daughters home where I am visiting with the grandkids. Next week I head to Michigan to visit with my almost 89 yo father. While we have not always gotten along as I would have liked; I am reminding myself that this will possibly be the last time I see him which allows for a perspective that is entrenched in visions consisting of love and compassion. From there I head to Las Vegas to stay with my best friend for almost two weeks until I leave for Queretaro, Mexico for two months. After Mexico I head to Costa Rica to housesit for six weeks. While I am elated about these prospects, I am also facing a health issue that is concerning and that outcome will determine if I am able to keep traveling or if I will be forced to change plans and face surgery…or worse. And the worse is what stops me in my tracks. So often, we put off living for kids, mortgages, and retirement only to find when we reach our Golden Years disease robs us of our dreams for our future. I have been lucky. I have lived so many of my dreams and done many of those things that are important to me. Yet, I know of many who have not. It matters not if you are young or old. You have the choice to decide that now is the time for you to start really living your life in a way that is meaningful and authentic to you. You are alive NOW so use your time wisely and start making a promise to yourself that each year you will accomplish one thing that you believe will be important to your personal growth and benefit the world/people around you.

Queretaro, Mexico

Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four – The Beatles

I Am Scared Shitless Today Too!

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment
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Okay, I kind of feel that this is ridiculous… a 64 yo woman in a panic. I mean, what on earth is there to panic about? I am selling almost all my worldly possessions; including my beloved house. And then on May 15th; I will be homeless living out of one very large pale-blue suitcase. Yet, that is when the Grand Adventure is suppose to begin, traveling overseas and housesitting… even though there is no schedule or no concrete plan and despite the fact that will not know a soul. I find that I am flogging myself on a daily basis for taking Russian in high school instead of something practical like Spanish. And I am getting anxious just contemplating how to even pack for such a life-changing event. For instance, how many pieces of underwear does one need in this situation and why is footwear so heavy? These are the things I am preoccupied with lately, so tell me, what could go wrong?

Apparently everything, according to my mind which has begun hissing at me and inflicting immense doubts which are creating a whiteout in my brain as big as the blizzard to ’42. It fact, the numerous death scenarios which are making regular visits inside my head include:

  1. Getting run over by a donkey (and what is the significance of getting run over by an ass anyway?)
  2. Riding in the back of chicken truck that swerves off the road and plunges down a ravine
  3. Being swindled out of everything by a man with a hypnotic accent and delightful hands
  4. Not remembering how to scream out the words for “HELP!” or “POLICE!” and instead saying something on the order of “Your goat smells like old cheese!”

Meanwhile, I am watching cartoons in Spanish and joining language immersion apps hoping that I will learn Spanish in record time. Yet, more often than I like to admit, I forget whether I have already taken my pills and call my kids “Hey, You!” so I don’t get their names wrong. Frankly, I am beginning to believe that old adage “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” might prove to be my unwanted and unintended self proclaimed motto.

But then, somewhere in the middle of this chaos, it hits me that I am starting to live my life authentically. That I am trying to new ways of thinking, finding new dreams to reach for, and that I, alone, am responsible for crafting a life that I can be proud of. And this I know: I don’t want regrets. Too many people wait for “the perfect time” and forget to wind the clock casting a stillness that settles over a life like a moth-worn blanket that is full of holes. I don’t want that kind of life. I want to take chances. I want to live and love with a freedom that I have yet to experience in all my 64 years. I am demanding of myself a life that is real, deep, and meaningful. A life that my kids can tell their kids about and whisper my stories to them so they can be inspired to be courageous and brave.

My garage sale is this Saturday. My lamp, the one I bought when I was 22 and broke, will be in the fray. I hope someone who needs to illuminate some corner of their life buys it and finds what they are looking for. The books I have read … I hope that the words provide comfort and curiosity to the reader in order to stir their imagination. And my old Yamaha guitar that I have had since I was 13 and on which I taught myself to write songs.at age 59 .. may it find its way into the hands who can make it soar. But most of all, if you come by please don’t nickel and dime me to death for each item. For everything I am disposing of has a story and great meaning to me and in some small way has made me the woman I am today. A woman who is afraid to step out but is still going to do it anyway. No more playing it safe for me.

What Is Right With Me

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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So often in life we concentrate on what is wrong with us – the things we cannot do, our shortcomings and our foibles. We examine our “issues” so often that we can recite them in our sleep and as the list grows sometimes it feels like there is so much “wrong” that we don’t know what we can possibly do to change what we have told ourselves is “fact.” So what if today, we changed things up a bit and decided to concentrate on all that is “right” with us. How would that influence our beliefs about ourselves and make a “so-so” day into one that shines and puts little skip in our steps.

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Here is my list for today in no particular order. I would love to see yours in the comments section.

  1. I am a good researcher. I find things others can’t.
  2. I am a good friend. I can keep a secret better than anyone.
  3. I am interested in others lives and enjoy being attentive to their experiences.
  4. I am interesting. I have a breadth of knowledge about many things and I try to keep up with current events.
  5. I am a fierce Momma Bear and advocate for my children and march on in my efforts when others would have given up.
  6. I fight for the things that I love.
  7. Family is important to me and I try to make sure that those I love know that they are valued and loved by me.
  8. I love to travel, meet people, and learn from my experiences.
  9. If a puzzle needs to be solved I am your gal.
  10. I am not afraid to walk up to a person and start a conversation.
  11. I am fun and do the unexpected like take photos of my friends who could not attend our group event, blow their pictures up, staple them to sticks, and carry them through the city with me photographing them at places like the CHEERS BAR in Boston.
  12. I am smart.
  13. I recognize and honor my intuitiveness.
  14. I work hard when something needs to be done.
  15. For the most part I am content with what I have and have no need to “keep up with the Joneses.”
  16. I know how much that I really don’t know.
  17. I am compassionate with loved ones and strangers.
  18. I am a good writer.
  19. I try to stay in touch with others and send cards and letters to others so that they know that they are on my mind.
  20. I work hard at preserving my family history so that my family can learn from our past.
  21. I am able to self-hypnotize so that I can quickly relax and get to a peaceful state of mind.
  22. When I do get down in spirit I work hard to lighten the load so I can return to a place of happiness.
  23. I do small things for myself (like a warm candle-lit bath) on a regular basis.
  24. I read on a regular basis.
  25. I exercise often.
  26. I am a seeker
  27. I sing well.
  28. Integrity is important to me. I try hard to be fair and honest.

Hopefully after making this list you too will see that there is so much good in and around you that when things become challenging you can whip out your list and give yourself a boost to face the coming day. We all have our gifts which need to be acknowledged and celebrated far more often than we do. In remembering what is good about ourselves we can offer it to others or wrap those things around our own selves like a blanket on a cold rainy day. For knowing ourselves gives us the ability to live freely so that what we do aligns with who we are. Amen!

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Plan C

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 10 Comments

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The night before last B texted me:

Maybe we can do something tonight

I have to confess that my anxiety went through the roof and the acid reflux started immediately

My response:

“Are you wanting to have a serious talk? My stomach just dropped.”

“Sorry,” he replied.  “No, I just wanted to have a little fun.”

 

And we did. We had a nice evening full of laughs and kind words. An evening that reminded me of all that I love about this man BUT…I am tired. I am tired of wondering if he isn’t going to walk through our door. Tired of wondering if he wants to talk of divorce. Tired of all the stress of living with a menopausal man.

For these reasons and more, I have to confess, that I have begun looking at a Plan C for myself in the event of a divorce or “whatever.” Several ideas have come to me during the past several months as I contemplate a future without B. I will say unequivicably that it scares me…the thought of giving up on a 30year + marriage… but…it also excites me at the same time as it gives me something to believe in again.  Because at last I am beginning to make myself and my feelings a priority instead of putting B’s ahead of my own in an attempt to win him back. For B’s wishy-washiness about our life together has recently become exhausting and it sometimes it feels like I am selling my soul in order to keep reaching for something that B is making unobtainable. Finally, I am beginning to understand that I can never win this love game and I am ever so slowly beginning to admit defeat. So while it breaks my heart arriving at this place of giving up and giving in; it feels more honest and courageous than living in denial.

For the past several weeks I have debated telling B about PLAN C but last night I decided that I should be honest and put some more of my cards on the table. I began by telling him that I believe him now…that while I used to want him to change his mind about me and our relationship, that, in fact, I owe it to myself and him to believe his words. Words such as: “I don’t love you or have the passion for you to sustain a relationship” or “I love you but not in the way that I want to” or “I want a separation.” At some point, you have to take those words at face value and I am beginning to. I can no longer just wish them away. I can no longer pretend that they mean something other than what he says they mean when he looks me in the eyes and let’s them leave his mouth. No, I have to begin to take them seriously and have decided that I cannot wait another 2 or 3 years in hopes that he begins to feel those things for me that he says he wants to feel. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him but I am beginning to love myself more.

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So PLAN C looks like this: Andre will be graduating from high school in 2019. There are very few college programs in the USA that offer degrees in what he wants to study; especially at a BS level. So I am contemplating moving to Wyoming, Montana or Idaho next June in order to establish residency so he would not be considered an out of state student when he goes to college. It is a good plan except for the fact that I would have to leave my two youngest…the thought of that just about kills me…but this is one way in which leaving would have a positive impact for one of my children anyways. Frankly, I know myself well enough that I do not want to be around to see B date and marry someone else so being out of the picture feels like a kind and loving thing to do for myself while making sure Andre gets the degree he wants. It seems like a winning situation all the way around if there is that type of thing in a divorce.  And so I told B about Plan C. I also told him that he had until May to win me back. To say he was shocked is an understatement but an important one because I am beginning to take back what I have lost…ME…and it just feels right! And while I have no idea what will happen it feels good to be considering different options and planning for a future alone should that be the route that is taken. For fear and indecision just isn’t an option for me anymore. I don’t want it and I reject it. Besides that, I just haven’t got time for the pain.

 

Storms and Baggage

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

I wait in the shallows

Like a fish hooked to a line

Splashing frantically

Mistaking love for oxygen

Your words driving me backwards

As you release the hook

That has pierced my lip

And held me still for so long

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Like a gale churning and throwing

Our life far, far away from

All we knew

I am here

You are there

Yet, your words

And sometimes the lack of them

Take me under

Scraping the sandy bottom

Of what our relationship used to be

I think I can no longer be with you

Because you do not know who you are

And in not knowing

You drag me down to skin and bones

Clinging to life, yet lifeless

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I am a soul who still wants to dance

Unafraid of your pronouncements

Of whether that movement

Is good or evil

I want to feel the wind for myself

Let life wash over me again

Unhampered by your sea walls

Meant to keep the shoreline in place

I have done the work

I was meant to do

Have you?

For now I wish

To let the unknown be born

Let the necessary changes occur

Which will free us both

As we are no longer one

We are now separated by a quay

Of hurts larger than the boulders

Which have created it

I want to find wisdom

In how I am living

In what I am feeling and doing

Touching and tasting

No longer content to munch on stale bread

I want the life force

Of action and touch

I want to look outwards

Not back towards your shadow

Which tries to hold on to mine

Refusing to free it

But now…finally

I’m throwing my baggage to the sea

So once again I can be me

Do not try to retrieve it

There is nothing new there for you

All it contains is what

You already rejected

Time and time again

No, let that baggage float out to sea

While I go pack again

With those things that are

Meaningful just to me

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Sometimes Being A Mom Sucks Big Time

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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So today was Gracie’s big meet. For a 11 year-old who has only been in the sport 2.5 years she does remarkably well. She works hard. She practices 20 hours a week. She watches videos of all her favorite Olympic divers and she reads books on the subject. She is the hardest working kid I know but sometimes that just isn’t enough.

Today’s meet was the largest held in the world with 29 states and 5 countries represented. She woke up and ate breakfast. When we arrived at the venue Gracie started crying.Hard. Fast and furious. This is a kid who never cries and goes into a meet exuding confidence. Always. But here she was crying and all the parents on the team were looking at her with big ??? on their faces because they had never seen her like this. She was a mess.

“I feel sick. My stomach hurts.”

“I think that maybe you are just a little nervous. Give it sometime and you’ll be fine.”

“No. I am really sick. I am going to puke.”

“You weren’t sick 10 minutes ago. Are you sure you aren’t just nervous?”

“NOOO I am sick,” she wails.

One of her teammates walks over to her and tells her a story of how sometimes she gets butterflies before competing.

“It’s not that. I am sick,” her body being wracked by sobs.

Back over to me she comes.

“I can’t do this. My stomach hurts.”

“Okay, well here is the thing. I think you are nervous and I am afraid that if I tell you that you don’t have to compete the next time you have a competition you will be paralyzed by fear and you won’t be able to compete then either. So I just want you to go out there and do what you came to do. I don’t care if you finish last. It doesn’t matter to me. Just go out there and try to have fun.”

Bigger tears. Sniffles. Lots. More tears. Huge tears. Rapid tears.

What is a mother to do? Where is the manual on the best way to handle drama?

Coach and team take her over to the staging area. Five minutes later she’s back.

“I can’t feel my hands.”

I’ve always had a fear of drowning and at this point I swear I am beginning to feel water rising to ankle level due to the hurricane of tears.

“Listen if your hands are numb then I have to take you to the hospital.”

“Nooo!”

She sulks back to her team. Obviously this is getting me nowhere fast. Time to switch tactics.

Three minutes later she’s back.

“I’m dizzy!”

“Okay. So go scratch. Go tell your coach that your cannot compete.”

“NOOOOOOOO! I can’t let my team down like that!”

What is a mother to do? What can I say to this tween that will make a difference?

“It is not a matter of letting your team down. It’s a matter of letting yourself down and how you will feel if you don’t compete. What matters is you. I don’t care what you do and in 10 years you won’t even remember your scores. You have decide for yourself if you would feel worse competing or not competing. It is all up to you.Only you can make that decision and I am not going to make it for you.”

“Mom, I just can’t,” she squeaks… gasp, gulp and even more tears.

“Seems to me you have two options. Either you scratch or you suck it up, buttercup, and get out there and do your best in a situation that is not ideal. I will love you either way.”

So she competes and earns two 4th place finishes and one tie for 3rd. Not bad at all for all the tears. For all the “sickness.” For all the doubts. For all the fears.

Later as she stood on the podium collecting her medals she was relaxed. Happy. Calm. And as those medals clanged softly against her chest I realized that the medals I cherish most from this meet are not the ones that hang around her neck but the one that now rests within her head. It’s the one that will remind her that she CAN do what she sets out to do even if she has to work through her fears to grasp it in her hand. To me, that last medal is worth more than gold. I hope she will think so too someday and will treasure the memory of how she overcame all the crap going on in her own head to earn it.