He arrives home.

“I am not sure I want a divorce. i just need to be honest about my feelings. How I feel about you. Maybe like an alcoholic I need to hit bottom, tell you how I feel so I can move up and find that love for you again. It may take 6 months, it may take two years. I don’t know but I want to feel like we did when we met 30 years ago.”

The next day after many painful gut-wrenching talks.

He says: “My therapist says that maybe you should move out for 30 days. Why should it be me?”

She says: “I’m sorry. When you are the one wanting a divorce there are consequences for that. You don’t just get to go on it life like everything is okay and you are still entitled.”

Later that night

He would like a kiss goodnight. I would like one too. He thinks if he can just feel like he did 30+ years ago when we met everything will be okay. He truly believes that we can feel that youthful excitement and that every kiss will bring fireworks.

I kiss him

“Fireworks?” he asks.

“Nothing” I reply.

“I’ve got a woodie. I felt the fireworks.”

I don’t even know what to say about that. A woodie. What am I suppose to do about that? I am at a total loss.

Am I suppose to have sex with you in hopes of bringing us closer or am I suppose to not have sex because you tell me you no longer have “the love and passion to sustain a relationship.” Great sex is the one of the things we have shared all these years but it feels too painful now.

I guess to me sex has become very sacred, much more so than when I was young. When I was young sex was casual, free and everyone was doing it. Not any longer. Now it is meaningful to me. I put my heart and soul into it. Into pleasing one another.  It is one thing that is a miracle. Great sex after all these years. Yet, if you no longer have love or passion for me then you might as well just hire a hooker to please you because it feels like it is on the same level to me.

What am I to say to this? You want me to love you anyways? Still give you my heart and soul even though you will not give me yours?

What am I suppose to do with this? A broken relationship that you say you want to repair that I have worked on for two years and no matter what I have done it is not enough. I lose weight. I stop yelling. I keep a clean house. Everything you wanted and still I am not good enough. I am not enough for you.

What am I suppose to do with you? Love you until the very end or stop now to save my soul?

I have lost hope. If I keep trying, I give up my right to be a woman scorned because if I keep trying I do it knowing full well that the chances are not good for us to remain together. Perhaps I want to keep a little of that title. It provides a little measure of comfort though what I would do with it I cannot say but somehow that title just doesn’t appeal to me. A better one might be A Woman Better Off Without You.

P.S. Thank you to all my friends who have rode my crazy merry-go-round for the past 2 years. I know it has wrung you out just as it has me. I know that you are as weary of this as I am. But thanks for hanging in for me. It helps knowing that you are there.