It occurred to me that I have not posted for a while and when I went back to check how long it had been, well, I was astonished. There was a time when I was in so much pain that I posted often using my blog to work through those things that were weighing heavy on my mind. Writing when grief stricken was easy. Writing when happy and carefree is much more difficult.
Things have changed so much when I started the blog with my husband announcing that he might want a divorce, his years of gaslighting and lies in those intervening years when I was trying to save our marriage, discovery of his mistress, and the eventual divorce several years later. Then came the starting over… and dating…and finding out who I was. Life has changed since 2015 and I am so glad.
I remember when I first left Texas and went back to my home in California without the kids. There were days when I just felt like I could not go on. Thoughts that the world would be a better place without me flitted in and out of my consciousness and life without my kids seemed just seemed too barren and lonely to justify watering my own patch of ground. Then came COVID which brought a few of my children back to me and with them small flowers began to grow again in my life. This is not to say it was easy and it is not to imply that I was the greatest mom at that time. I wasn’t. I suffered through gut wrenching sadness, the inability to trust myself and my decisions, as well as a new painful financial reality. Although I tried not to let my own confusion impact my children, it did, which is something I regret to this day. But although I did not do my best during those difficult years; I did what I was able to at that time of my life and it was good enough. Not great but good enough and sometimes good enough is all that is needed for everyone to grow.
In 2023 I fulfilled a dream and moved to the coast of Oregon. I loved it there. The long walks along the beach, the sweater weather, the time to reflect and feel at peace. I traveled to distant places by myself and with others. I dated some lovely men and a few who weren’t. And although I might have stayed in a few of those “relationships” longer than I should have I am proud to say that I always knew that getting back to myself meant that I needed to put my needs above those of others when it became obvious that the actions of others were interrupting and intruding on my peace. Because after that brutal divorce, I realized that chaos no longer had a place in my life and that doing those things that brought me peace and maintaining that new found peace was truly what I was striving for. Peace became a priority and that impacted my life in a positive manner.
Fast forward to 2025 when I decided to sell my place and house sit around the world. I wanted…to depend on myself…find adventure…find that young girl I used to me who had balls and did not let fear hold her back. At sixty-four it was time for even more self discovery. But you know fate…it comes knocking when you least expect it, spins you around and sends you in a direction that you had not envisioned. After spending three months in Mexico I moved on to very rural Costa Rica with bugs as big as horses, no sofa, and no creature comforts of any kind. I had been talking to a man from the States for one and one-half months and asked him if he would like to come and visit me. He did and we have been together ever since.
Michael is the real deal. He is kind. He looks after me in a gentle but not bossy way. He is an amazing cook and likes nothing better than to please me with this creations. He shares patience and kindness with me in ways I have never known. He makes me think about things through a different lens which has made me a more thoughtful force. He loves me deeply and I love him back in the same way. He doesn’t disrupt my peace but adds to it. He makes sure that I am satisfied in ALL areas of our life. He builds me up and doesn’t tear me down. He supports me through those things that divorce cruelly inflicted and has helped to restore trust in relationships…something he never should have had to take on but did anyway. We have worked through difficult issues. We have danced on top of mountains. We have traveled together through Nicaragua, Panama, Chile, Peru and Mexico and liked each other more than when we started. This doesn’t mean we are not different. We are. Very. But we compromise and do what it takes to make our lives blend as seamlessly as possible. And now… we have bought a house together and have moved to Mexico.
The kids are doing well. K is doing well with her family of three. The Army is transferring them early next year and while isolated they will be in the same state as several of the relatives. Sometimes I am just amazed at all she accomplishes on a daily basis. W is living in Colorado and his daughter is going to college in Boulder. A is living in Texas and going to college. Even better he has found swing dance and has made new friends and is crafting a life for himself. While I feel guilty that he is navigating life alone with autism he is proving that he is more than capable. P is living with his partner J in CA and are creating a wonderful life together. So proud of him for diving in and going after what he wants. Gracie is in grad school and just began living with the boyfriend she has had since she was 15. Happy that she is confident to make her own way to what she desires in life.
Most importantly, I am still growing and changing. I am learning to speak Spanish and to live in a country where life moves at a slower pace. I no longer have a car and walk everywhere which lends itself to discovering life’s hidden treasures behind once closed doors. I am reveling in finding a love that is worth my time and effort knowing that I will get back the same in return. Love at this age is exciting and peaceful. It is dynamic, yet, soft and appreciative. And I am trusting again in so many different areas of my life…certainly that is a true miracle of this journey I have been on.
Yes, life has changed. It always does. We can fight it or accept it. We can learn from it or not. We can use change to challenge our perceptions or we can stay stuck where we are. Yet, whether we decide to embrace change or reject it; change always happens whether we want it to happen or not. But the most important thing I have learned during my 65 years is that life always gets better. Always. Sooner or later.
So please…never give up on yourself. Never give into despair. Life will offer new and different opportunities. Things will get better. Yes, it may take some time and even energy on your part. You may have to deliberately look for the sunshine and you may have to self-water your own life to help it flourish again. You may even have to be uncomfortable for a while exposing yourself to situations that will challenge you but that will ultimately help to repair your weary soul. Sometimes life it not easy but the changes you are forced into may turn out to be the blessings that you never saw coming.
