LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS

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Even though we are still together, that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been a lot of sorrow and pain over the last nine months. Pain that sometimes has cut so deep that I felt that I could feed the universe with the blood/tears that have been spilled as a result of the affair and B’s sister’s involvement with it. There were times that I felt so empty of a once-vibrant life-force living within me that I felt that a transfusion was the only option left.

To say that the past three years were difficult is an understatement of gigantic proportions..

Yet, over the past nine months life has improved.. There have been moments of deep distrust alternating with moments of trust coming like scattered drops of rain on the parched desert floor. There have been moments of joy mixed with an even greater number of episodes of sadness. The laughter has been increasing while the angry words and accusations have been decreasing. The balance of the scales once tipped towards the negative are increasingly moving and staying on the positive side. Often it is a dance of three steps forward and two steps back. In truth, the two steps back have often involved said sister. She has caused many issues that have often impeded healing of the relationship. It’s often feels like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off by her hand.

But the other day something happened concerning said sister and after B took action on his own I thought to myself “I think he might actually love me again.” In fact, it was such a profound act of sacrifice on his part that I wrote a note to myself which read:

“It was at that moment when my sorrow turned to song.”

And for me it really was.

It was one of those rare “life-changing, perception-changing, Ah-ha moments” that make such a huge impact on you and your relationship that you know you can never go back to what was. It was a moment that forces you to move forward because that is truly the only way you were meant to go. It was a moment which allowed me to move closer to true forgiveness and understanding. A moment which encouraged me to let go of the hurt and embrace what is now happening now with greater clarity. It was a moment in which B showed me great love, compassion, understanding and did what I needed and not what he wanted.

So today… I sing… and the sorrow drifts by quickly like clouds on a windy day. I will sing tomorrow too and the day after that. Because sometimes moments actually are life-changing and they deserve to be celebrated in song.

What I Need From You

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I talk to B everyday I am gone. Perhaps it is a mistake. Perhaps he needs to “feel” my absence instead of my presence for a while. Perhaps he needs to miss me…if he ever would.

I say, ” Love You.” He repeats it back when what I really want to hear is:

“Well, Dad and I had a good day today. Blah-blah-blah.”

“Honey, I just want you to know that we are really missing you here. Especially me. What I wouldn’t give to have you in my arms right now. I  love you and need you here with me, now and forever.”

What I wouldn’t give for those kinds of loving and reassuring words. Words that say that I am appreciated, treasured and loved. Words that tell me I am still his girl and he is damn glad that I am. Words that make me feel his love for me here in Michigan or Paris or anywhere I happen to be. Words that he would say during my eulogy to pronounce to all in attendance that I was who he loved and letting go will be hard.

Why is it so hard for B to say them? Is it because he doesn’t know how or that he can’t because he doesn’t feel that way and saying them would be a lie?

This 30+ year love affair shouldn’t be so difficult. It SHOULD be easier than ever to whisper sweet nothings. To let a person who feels they are teetering on the edge of your life to know how much they mean to you, how much you desire them, and that their absence makes their heart ache.  For we are getting to the age where death begins to watch you from the shadows and you never know when you might be taken. And of this I am sure: When you leave this earth you should know without a doubt who loved you to the end of the rainbow.

Perhaps this kind of talk is unrealistic. Perhaps it only happens in fairy tales. But if those things are true then I want to re-write my story because this is what I need. This is what my heart longs to hear and my soul craves. Words that are meaningful, loving and make a future with B obvious. A future that is mutually desirable, sought-after and protected.

Do you love me B? Then let me hear the words. Let me hear them said from that place in your heart that is occupied only by me and that is reserved for my love only. That place in you where I anchor you to our love both past, present and future. That place that says I am still the only woman for you. That place that says you want me to be the one holding your hand when you pass into another realm.

Let me know. Before I forget and slide into a place where I can no longer feel your heart connected to mine or feel our souls slide gently together throughout the day. Let me know so when I lay my head down on my pillow tonight I can rest so peacefully that angels would come and I would not fight them. Let me know so when the sun rises tomorrow that I know your love for me has risen with it just like it will the next day as well as the next.

I need your love but right now I need your words more than I ever have. For they are a gift that is not meant to be withheld but given freely and in love.

So be it!

TRUST 2

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Sometimes my therapist just burns my butt. Lately, she has been on a diet so it has made her a little more cranky and direct. No beating around the bush with her.

The other day I read to her the piece I just blogged. It was about trust and she had the balls to turn it around on me. Damn!

“Interesting piece,” she said to me. “Obviously you understand what trust means to you. Too bad you don’t apply it to yourself and your relationship with B. Frankly, to get trust from someone else you have to practice it on a daily basis and strive to do/be all the things you wrote about. You have to give out all those things you want to get in life. You have to act in the way you want others to. If you want trust you also have to give it.”

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Well, doesn’t this just suck big turkey toes!!! Frankly, I thought, dear therapist, you are suppose to be on my side and tell me everything is B’s fault or B’s issue. Why am I paying you to make me look at myself in all this? What the heck? Where are all the rainbows and unicorns? Why aren’t you making me feel good? (LOL)

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Frankly, I don’t know if I am capable of trusting B or any other man for that matter. Men just don’t seem to be to be that trustworthy to me. Yes, that’s my issue, but still….when someone has been untrustworthy how do you begin the process of re-building? Really…I have to be the one to practice trust on a daily basis? Me…the trustworthy one. Okay, never mind those times when I have said “I’m done!” That doesn’t count. But according to my therapist they do. They undermine the relationship and make him afraid to trust that I won’t walk out the door.

So today I will attempt to TRUST and try to incorporate the ideas behind TRUST into my daily living. And I might even stop off at the donut shop and bring my therapist a treat. Damn that woman!

 

T – Truthful

R- Reliable

U- Uphold

S- Steadfast

T- Take For Granted

 

 

For The Sake Of The Kids…319 Days To Fix This

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Last night I made the mistake of saying to B  that I wondered if he was only staying married to me for “the sake of the kids.” I was the second time I have asked and in further contemplation I realized I didn’t truly want to know the answer. (Why I ask these difficult questions is a thought for another day!)

The first time I asked that very painful question was about a week into the “maybe” D.I.V.O.R.C.E. when B and I were talking about how difficult a separation would be for our particular set of kids. As we walked he said under his breath, “Well, maybe we will just stay together for the sake of the kids.” That answer has been bothering me ever since.

“Wait a minute,” I replied at the time. “I’m not staying in this marriage if it is only for the sake of the kids. I want and I deserve more. Our kids deserve more too. If that is the only reason you are here then we do not belong together and we had better wrap this thing up right now because I will not live in a lifeless/loveless marriage. I am too selfish.”

Unfortunately,I think parents often feel like they are doing their children a favor by waiting until their kids are grown and off on their own before they begin the process of divorce. But children sense when something is wrong and can pick up signals that they misinterpret leading to self blame or problems in their own future relationships.

Staying together “for the sake of the kids” also creates guilt for young adult children when it occurs to them that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them in the form of trying to be the “ideal intact” family. No one wants to feel beholden to their parents in this way.

Another problem with staying together “for the sake of the kids” is that as parents we model what a marriage is suppose to look like for our children. If there is animosity, fighting or belittling a partner our kids tend to find themselves in the same sort of relationships later on down the line. And is that what we really want for their future?

I would like to think that if B and I remain together it will be because we have once again made our marriage the number one priority in our lives and that it will not be for “the sake of the children.” Because frankly intact is not better especially if truth, admiration, respect and love is missing in the equation. Especially truth.

Last week after intense questioning about why we were seeing a counselor, I told the kids that mom and dad were going to see a therapist because we had been married a long time and that we had forgotten how to communicate with each other so we were having the therapist teach us a better way of talking to one another. I also told them that we were going on date night because when you have been married as long as we have sometimes you forget how to have fun together and we loved each other enough that we wanted to spend time together having fun. And that is the truth and it is what needs to be told.

Several hours later after being told he needed to ponder the answer to my question, B came to me and said, “I have been thinking about it and on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 staying together ONLY for the sake of the children, I would have to say I am at a 2.5”

And with that I breathed a sigh of relief because it tells me that neither of us are staying together for just the sake of the children but instead for the sake of a relationship that we both care enough to work together to fix…219 days to fix this!

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