Spring Showers

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Where I live it is dry..usually bone dry at this time of year. If the weather follows its normal course it stops raining in April and doesn’t rain again until November. The temperature soars to over 100 degrees for days on end, sometimes months. I rearrange my schedule and begin walking at 6 am to beat the heat but sometimes that is not even early enough. So I end up sitting in my house, the air conditioner running constantly to beat the heat, and I wonder how those who do not have this luxury lift their eyes in the morning. Then I go up to the family cabin in the mountains and I remember what it is like to live with the unrelenting heat. There is nothing fancy or extravagant here. Fans twirl to move the stagnant air and I always spend the first hour cleaning the spiders and their webs from the windows/chairs for they are our only consistent houseguests.

Last night as I rested my weary head I was roused from my nearly comatose state…BBBOOOOOOOOMMMMMM… a crack of thunder almost shook the ancient cook house off its rock foundation as the lightening crackled and light up the inky black sky, now so bright, that I saw a deer shoot through the trees into the protection of the dense thicket. And then the rain started pouring down. I went and opened the door, stood in the frame, and watched the anomaly unfold before me. The first drops sounded like cannons as they hit the deck…splat… with a force so strong you would think they had been shot out of the sky. My feet started getting wet as the raindrops ricocheted off the wood and onto my feet creating a small pond to dip my toes in like I did when I was a child. By now the frogs and crickets had quieted and I listened to the rhythm of the rain which was the only thing that sounded alive in the now silent forest. And as the water seeped into the greenery bringing it back to life; the sweet honeyed linen smell of the damp earth began to waft skyward. It was then that recognized the circle of life making its silent rounds again. A blessing to behold if you choose to see it in this light.

Spring rains. They wash away the dirt and make things clean and clear again. They give us a renewed sense of the precious gift of life and they bring hope to things wilting away whether it be plants, animals or ourselves. For rain has the power to change “what is” into something grander.Today, let’s all be the rain.

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Finding Hope…326 Days To Fix This

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Joseph Addison once said ” Three grand essentials for happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”

Lately my something “to do” has been to work on fixing our marriage.

My something “to love” has been trying to reclaim the love that B and I had once shared.

But hope for this relationship…well, I wasn’t feeling or seeing it. Maybe I had cut myself off from feeling hope. Because, realistically, if you have hope you have to go all in and not hold back due to fear, and frankly; I was feeling fearful, scared and the sense of trust to just let go wasn’t there.

This weekend I reclaimed hope and it felt wonderful. I am seeing the glimmers of a future together where last month I saw a black hole. I see a man who is trying like hell and a woman who is too. I see two people exploring each other again and finding that there is much to like and to love. I see two people who are sorry for the wrongs they have inflicted on each other and for words never said that almost mortally wounded their future together. Most of all, I see two people who really want this “marriage thing” to work out and who want our family to remain intact. And if our marriage still bottoms out it wasn’t because we didn’t try like hell.

This weekend hope felt like… moonlight walks around the lake, like long heart-felt talks around a campfire and just holding hands while watching Gracie fish. It felt like sharing a cup of coffee, getting a little grab-ass in the shower, and listening to the frogs croak their love songs throughout the night. Hope felt lovely, new, light and right.

Hope made me recognize that we are doing the hard work to put our marriage first and to make it work in a new way that is better for both of us. Hope has made us both want to jump all in. Sure we have a long way to go, much to negotiate and to learn new ways of communicating but I believe that for the first time we both have hope…and that is enough for now.