And Tomorrow I Go March Against the Tyrant. I March For Women’s Rights And The Rights Of All People
Sad
Anniversary & Divorce
Today is our anniversary. Yesterday was too. But I’m not exactly sure how to mark this momentous occasion. I mean, when someone says that might want a divorce and you are shooting for one year to see if you can still be together, how does one celebrate? I’m not sure even as I write this for a second time. After all, a celebration implies feeling good about something and being uplifted by it. At this point I’m not sure that the good outweighs the sad.
How does one laud the fact that B has returned to being cranky and argumentative just like he was before he dropped the D bomb signifying his general unhappiness? Do you mark that with a toast to all things surly? How does one observe the day when you are still wondering if you will ever feel good the majority of time about what you have together. It used to be that I believed you had a good marriage if you were happy 92% of the time. Now I would settle for 75%. Seems to me the only thing we can wrap up and put a bow on right now is the vague discontentment that we both feel nibbling at our souls.
So as I write this we have decided to go to breakfast. I am sure that signifies something…I am just not sure what that something is. No grand dinner. No grand plans. Just breakfast…a place to start your day together. Warm coffee. And maybe even warm sentiments will be on the menu. Perhaps that is enough when you are together 30 years.
Raw
I read a few of my writings to him
He was hurt and upset
Believed my words and thoughts were raw
He said:
“Why didn’t you let me see these
Before we went into the therapists office
Why would you save this for in there?
Why didn’t you let me see your words and let me
think about them before going in?”
I think:
It’s suppose to be a safe place
Exactly where we are suppose to take
Our deepest hurts and fears
Where we have someone to help us
Through the words and through the tears
He thinks:
Why did you ambush me?
It’s his real question
Unspoken with words
But spoken just the same
I think:
Maybe I just want to hear from your heart
And not listen to your rehearsed
Very logical answers
Maybe I long to know
What you really FEEL not THINK
To hear words spoken from the heart
Not encased in the laughter you use
To deflect the feelings that threaten
To overwhelm you like a bad case
Of poison ivy
I am:
Guilty and sad that I hurt him
Wishing that I could say with words
The things I so easily write on paper
Perhaps they would be less complex
And easier to hear
But I am not sure that words are whats needed now
Maybe its deep feelings
Because we both want to run from them
Instead of dealing with the pain they contain
I know:
I still love him
That it hurt me deeply to hurt him
Even if that was not my intention
My intention was to be HEARD
And I wish I could take back the words
I said because I don’t want to see
Him retreat
Because of my pain
And his pain
Because really he just wants peace, love and rainbows
Happiness and joy
He claims he is a simple man
Uses it as an excuse
Not to touch those parts of him
That make him feel vulnerable and afraid
He says:
He is a simple man
But we both know better than that
Gardy Loo Pismire 