Sometimes I feel like Hillary Clinton

Ignoring what appears to be in front of me for the greater good

But sometimes I wonder if you are the type of man

That slowly drives his wife crazy

Sweet and caring

Sexy and funny

Giving and kind in so many important ways

A good family man folks would say

With a part that is hidden from the public that longs to stray

I did my sexual experimentation when I was young

You didn’t

Are you wishing you had?

What is it you think you are missing?

It’s true

I’ve never “caught” you with another woman

There have been uncomfortable/inappropriate texts

A picture of another woman

And a very strange business card belonging to a woman

You swear you have no idea how THAT got in your wallet

There have been entire nights you were unreachable on business trips

We even laughed that you must be the most unlucky man in the world

When you are alone…even the front desk messes up

Must have rang the wrong room

Even though they were different hotels, different stays

Because you were in your room…all night

Oh yes, and there was that condom under our bed that I found when we were moving…maybe it was our teenager

And now Gwenniferr…again

Why the lie if everything is innocent?

But even worse, it is a stupid reckless lie

These are small things….distant enough from one another

Occurring here and there…not everyday…not every year

But when added up

Make you appear to be untrustworthy to me

Why don’t you just come clean?

There is nothing to come clean of you insist

And so I feel crazy

Maybe look crazy too

And you accuse me of not trusting you

And I don’t

For good reasonS

How can you have a marriage without trust?

We have for a while now

It’s made our bones brittle, our lungs empty, hearts heavy

And finally I realize that you can’t live without trust

Can counseling fix this?

I don’t know

I used to think our marriage was special

I really truly used to believe that with all my heart

When did that stop?

Today for sure

Before then…probably

We were friends, I thought

Fantastic lovers, I knew

Allies, maybe? sometimes

And I always thought

That you would be the one holding my hand when I passed on

Now I realize we just had a marriage

There was nothing special about it at all

It was just a plain ordinary marriage

Like everyone else has

A marriage of ups and downs

Of good and bad

Of happiness and sorrow

Of kindness and love

Of children and grandchildren

Of travel and adventure

But now the only thing left is the fantastic lover part

And that is not enough for me anymore

Trust….gone

Admiration…fled the scene

Truth…never

Friendship…well the therapist says we don’t have it

You wanted to like me again

I wanted the same of you

And then Gwenniferr re-emerged

Once again reminding me

We have less than a marriage

Because a marriage is built on truth and trust

And at this time ours appears to be built on sand

FIVE HOURS POST GWENNIFERR

HARMLESS

Your innocent flirting you said was harmless

Your unhappiness you felt until you wanted a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. was harmless

Your dishonesty was avoidance and therefore harmless

Your relationship with Gwenniferr is nothing, it’s harmless

She is like a sister to you, harmless

Your relationship to me that is imploding…harmless

Destroying our family…harmless

Your look-me-in-the-eye I’m telling you the truth, harmless

Your relationship with your children, maybe on your way to becoming a weekend father…harmless

Your innocence astounds me

And your harmless actions seer my soul

Permanent scars carved into my skin

One at a time over years

Looking like a tattoo of dragon talons swooping down

Cutting and digging into flesh

You BRAND my soul with your harmlessness

And it doesn’t feel harmless at all