I have been realizing that one of the issues I am facing while traveling alone is trying to be content while I am out and about discovering a new place solo. I wake up in the morning determined to take a bus here or there only to see my resolve melt when I face the logistics alone and then begin to question my life choices. It is a hard nut to crack the natural curiosity I feel vs the aloneness factor of traveling by myself.
All my life whenever I have traveled I have been with someone. A person with whom we could talk about what we had seen and done. A person with whom I can reminisce and look at pictures that were taken by and of us. I understand now that my expectations of having that person or those persons discovering places with me is impeding on my ability to be content just exploring a city by myself. Yes, I have been getting out on my own but without the joy that I feel when someone is with me. And I have to ask myself why?
I think the explanation is that deep in my gut feeling that travel is somehow incomplete or less satisfying without someone by your side. I know that is not reality. Plenty of people travel alone happily and that this made-up-in-my-head reality that does not have to be my truth. Yet, at this point it still is… and by holding on to this what should be outdated belief… I am only hurting myself. This feeling came to roost, yesterday when I felt that sense of disappointment. One of the things I love about this area is that throughout the city of Queretaro there are these beautifully painted vibrant pianos just sitting out in the streets for anyone to play. So I sat down and began to hit the keys as people gathered around to listen to me play my own music. They cheered when I was done. And I had no one there to film this little piece of my Queretaro history which led me to feel a sense of let down.
The Buddha taught that suffering often arises from unmet expectations, as they can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in life. By recognizing and letting go of these expectations, individuals can reduce their suffering and find greater peace. But how does one do that when they are finding themself to be a disappointing traveling partner? One that lacks the excitement and ability to stretch themselves that they naturally have when with others?
I think it has to do with looking for those smaller moments of joy like I felt yesterday watching a child chase a balloon in the park. There was no expectation of seeing a child running and laughing it was just a moment that I enjoyed as it happened. I was expecting nothing but instead found gratitude in that moment that made me chuckle and smile. Or perhaps it has to do with just being content performing for others without having a video to accompany my own memory of that event. After all, a little over one hundred years ago that was unheard of.
In contemplating this topic and all the emotions I feel around it; I have come to the realization that there is only one solution. Get out more by myself. Challenge my incorrect beliefs to that I can find more of those ah-ha moments to be grateful for or that I have to experience ah-ha moments at all. And I need to take more pictures of the things I am witnessing and experiencing on my own. Yes, my memories and photos may be of a different caliber but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t just as precious as the ones I would have with someone standing by my side. I am alone on this journey and I can accept it for what it is and find those little moments to save in my own mind or I can continue to feel as if something is missing when it’s not! I prefer the first.
P.S. Just in case I haven’t made myself clear…I do realize that I am very fortunate to be able to travel and to have my health in order to do so. I know how things can turn on a dime and I am grateful. This is a post of how I am feeling at the exact moment I wrote it. Will I feel that way tomorrow…who knows? But it is okay to feel a multitude of feelings (often conflicting ones) at the same time and this is my truth at 2 pm on Monday and that it is up to me to change any doubts or negative thoughts that I might have. It lays squarely on my own shoulders.
Gardy Loo Pismire 