Trying To Escape Expectations A/K/A Finding Happiness Traveling Alone

I have been realizing that one of the issues I am facing while traveling alone is trying to be content while I am out and about discovering a new place solo. I wake up in the morning determined to take a bus here or there only to see my resolve melt when I face the logistics alone and then begin to question my life choices. It is a hard nut to crack the natural curiosity I feel vs the aloneness factor of traveling by myself.

All my life whenever I have traveled I have been with someone. A person with whom we could talk about what we had seen and done. A person with whom I can reminisce and look at pictures that were taken by and of us. I understand now that my expectations of having that person or those persons discovering places with me is impeding on my ability to be content just exploring a city by myself. Yes, I have been getting out on my own but without the joy that I feel when someone is with me. And I have to ask myself why?

I think the explanation is that deep in my gut feeling that travel is somehow incomplete or less satisfying without someone by your side. I know that is not reality. Plenty of people travel alone happily and that this made-up-in-my-head reality that does not have to be my truth. Yet, at this point it still is… and by holding on to this what should be outdated belief… I am only hurting myself. This feeling came to roost, yesterday when I felt that sense of disappointment. One of the things I love about this area is that throughout the city of Queretaro there are these beautifully painted vibrant pianos just sitting out in the streets for anyone to play. So I sat down and began to hit the keys as people gathered around to listen to me play my own music. They cheered when I was done. And I had no one there to film this little piece of my Queretaro history which led me to feel a sense of let down.

The Buddha taught that suffering often arises from unmet expectations, as they can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in life. By recognizing and letting go of these expectations, individuals can reduce their suffering and find greater peace. But how does one do that when they are finding themself to be a disappointing traveling partner? One that lacks the excitement and ability to stretch themselves that they naturally have when with others?

I think it has to do with looking for those smaller moments of joy like I felt yesterday watching a child chase a balloon in the park. There was no expectation of seeing a child running and laughing it was just a moment that I enjoyed as it happened. I was expecting nothing but instead found gratitude in that moment that made me chuckle and smile. Or perhaps it has to do with just being content performing for others without having a video to accompany my own memory of that event. After all, a little over one hundred years ago that was unheard of.

In contemplating this topic and all the emotions I feel around it; I have come to the realization that there is only one solution. Get out more by myself. Challenge my incorrect beliefs to that I can find more of those ah-ha moments to be grateful for or that I have to experience ah-ha moments at all. And I need to take more pictures of the things I am witnessing and experiencing on my own. Yes, my memories and photos may be of a different caliber but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t just as precious as the ones I would have with someone standing by my side. I am alone on this journey and I can accept it for what it is and find those little moments to save in my own mind or I can continue to feel as if something is missing when it’s not! I prefer the first.

P.S. Just in case I haven’t made myself clear…I do realize that I am very fortunate to be able to travel and to have my health in order to do so. I know how things can turn on a dime and I am grateful. This is a post of how I am feeling at the exact moment I wrote it. Will I feel that way tomorrow…who knows? But it is okay to feel a multitude of feelings (often conflicting ones) at the same time and this is my truth at 2 pm on Monday and that it is up to me to change any doubts or negative thoughts that I might have. It lays squarely on my own shoulders.

Getting To Know You Getting To Know All About You

In the week that I have been here I have gotten to” know ” quite a few people thanks to Barbarita and James. Everyone has been so kind and nice to me even though my Spanish is woefully Malo. But I keep trying to improve so I think they appreciate that I am willing to try. In fact, I have found in my travels that even if you know just a few words in another language and you are visiting for a short time that people appreciate the effort of showing them that you respect their culture or area enough to try to reach out. In this vein, I have decided to take Spanish lessons in an attempt to “fit in” a little more. It will be a challenge due to my age and the fact that everyone tells me that Mexican Spanish is a little different from Peruvian Spanish which is a tad different from Costa Rican Spanish; but I am excited to learn more and to be able to communicate with others.

Learning a new language is so much easier these days than say 20 years ago. This morning I watched Chicken Little in Mexican Spanish on Lingopie. I have also bought several children’s books from New 2 You (the second hand store in which I will be volunteering) in hopes that it will help me learn. It has been quite fun going back to my childhood to revisit stories that I once knew and that my parents read to me when I was a small child. It makes my insides smile.

Saturday, I attended a party to welcome me to Mexico and to thank the volunteers who work at the store. It was thrown by Barbarita and I met many people who were kind and welcoming. In fact, two of the ladies, one of whom is a great cook have offered to come over during the week to break bread and learn each other’s respective languages. Gabby (who speaks no English) and I had a good time trying to talk to one another through hand gestures and when the going got rough using a translator. She is going to make Sopas for me next week and I am so excited about it. Several other ladies offered to make dinner dates and to go walking together in the mornings. I am excited to get to know these soon to be friends.

Deciding to make the move and experience to different countries at my age has been an interesting adventure. Yet, I can say that I truly believe that the love and acceptance I will find on my travels, while unexpected, will be a gift that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to get to know various cultures, geographies, and people as I make my way to exciting and unexpected places. Best of all, as I learn Spanish it will open even more doors of opportunity and friendship as I learn to connect with people who value connection and mutual understanding just as I do.

Adios por ahora

The Embarrassment Of Trying To Learn A New Language At My Age

So I have arrived in Queretaro, Mexico, and thus far I am loving it. It is different than I imagined. First of all it is in the mountains which at this time of the year are lush and green. I am quite high in the mountains, which as it turns out, gave me a headache from the resulting altitude sickness from living up so high. But the beauty of the mountains is worth the price of a few Tylenol. There is also a Dennys, Costco, Walmart and HEB store here. While these businesses makes life easy it also makes me feel as if I am living back in the USA which is what I am trying to get away from. All I can say is thank goodness for the authentic Mexican taco stands with their slabs of fire grilled meat which is hand-sliced with a knife that is big enough that Crocodile Dundee would be proud to carry one. Best of all, I discovered a new favorite way to eat tacos…topped with fresh pineapple and melted cheese. YUMMMMM!

Thus far it has been raining constantly partly due to the rainy season and also the outer band of Hurricane Eric which came ashore. My little casita outside the main house is starting to leak a bit of water through the ceiling. I discovered this after crawling into a wet bed but it is really a minor inconvenience and not a major problem. I love the neighborhood that I am in and am enjoying the hospitality of Barbarita’s family before they leave for the United States.

Prior to arriving in Mexico, I had been listening to Lingopie and taking APP Spanish lessons. And while it has helped me to be able to pick out words here and there I find that I am frustrated with myself that learning a new language is not easier for me. I know that at 64 yo just remembering to tie your shoe laces is a challenge. Yet, trying to come up with words that you have looked at a zillion times to say at the appropriate time has proved to be amazingly difficult compared to said laces. Yesterday to my great embarrassment I accidentally asked a young woman “How many buttholes do you have instead of how old are you?” Anos vs Ano really can be a major fax pas if not used and pronounced correctly. At this point my Spanish is so bad that I am afraid of creating an international incident if I open my mouth. And while I am trying so hard to learn this beautiful language I find that my 64 yo brain just does not want to cooperate.

The other day I accompanied my host/friend Barbarita to the hospital. She is an incredible Palliative Care nurse who is working on her PhD. She also started a second hand store to provide scholarships for health care professionals wanting to learn about hospice. She is such an inspiration and I can hardly wait to start working in the store. Anyway, back to the hospital…it was amazing. Here are just a few pictures. It puts most United States hospitals to shame.

So there we go. My first 48 hours in Juriquilla. I am loving it, learning from it, and am excited to have this chance to spend time in a place for more than just the typical two week vacation. And maybe, with a little luck I will not make a complete fool out of myself and contribute to the “ignorant American” stereotype that one often finds when Americans travel. At the least, I promise I will try really hard not to cause any diplomatic issues between our two countries.

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

One of my favorite musical artists is, Fia, a Swedish singer/songwriter. One of the songs she has written is called I AM and goes like this:

No, I am not who you think I am 
I am so much more, I am one with source 
I am limitless, infinite, powerful 
Abundant, complete from the start, creator of all 
I am that I am 
Oh yes, I am that I am

That is how I am feeling right now as I sit in Las Vegas getting ready to leave to Mexico for two months on Thursday. I am excited and a little scared. Yet, it is not the trip that scares me. What worries me is my health as I begin this journey. For several months now, I have been waiting to get an appointment for a colonoscopy and have been unable to secure one as here in the USA as the doctors offices are scheduling three months out. Hopefully, I can obtain a colonoscopy in Mexico to determine if I have polyps or colon cancer which is my diagnosis based on a Cologuard test. Frankly, I hate being in limbo and medical limbo is the absolute worst because you live with an abundance of fear for something that may or may not be, which wastes time, energy, and promotes negative thinking. Yet, I also feel at this time free and limitless… open to all the possibilities that are floating around my life at this time; just waiting for the hand that guides us to pluck my fate from the universe and to deal with the hand I have been dealt whatever it may be. And that in one sense feels liberating because I don’t have to try to control the situation; I just have to accept what IS at this particular moment.

Since deciding to sell my home three months ago to take off and explore the world, I have felt a lot of scary feelings. Yet, I also find that I am coming more aligned with myself, my spirit and my true essence. I have discovered that I AM so much more than than YOU or ME or anyone else thought I was. I feel more powerful and I have come to believe more times than not, that I am indeed the sole creator of all that I am. And with that power to create myself I have a responsibility to craft my life in a way which matches those values/traits I believe are important. To make sure that my journey includes compassion, integrity, joy, seeing things in an optimistic light and to treat others the way that I want to be treated. Further, it requires that I love myself in ways that have been difficult in the past; acceptance being of primary importance. Acceptance or approval of oneself should be easy but for so many of us it is a skill that needs to be re-learned after we lost it somewhere around the age of three when we played hide and seek and 61 years later we find that the game hasn’t ended… and I am still looking for that part of me that was lost all those years ago.

So as I embark on this journey which I hope will allow me to find myself and restore that sense of confidence I had when I was twenty, I ask myself to remember to be kind to myself and grant myself grace as I search for the things I have misplaced but so desperately want to commune with once again; allowing for unification of those parts of me I have yet to accept and in finally doing so will make me whole once again.

PS to my grandkids: I hope you learn from your grandmother to be brave and take chances. Know that bad things like an unwanted divorce may happen in your life but you can go on and create a life that is beautiful and meaningful to you. And for god sakes, please, never refer to me boring!

Moved And Living Out Of A Suitcase

So, it has been a crazy month between arriving home and immediately working on packing my house, finding a storage facility, trying to learn a bit of Spanish and finally getting gone. Some of the things I will miss the most include watching the marine layer lift from its banks, sitting in my garden, the warm laughter of friends and seeing the ocean whenever I wanted. Truly, there are very few places as gorgeous as the Southern Oregon coast.

After my house closed in early May, I proceeded to a friends house for close to two weeks. We took a final fly fishing trip together and while I did not catch any fish I enjoyed the Umpqua River and all its beauty. I am so thankful that this ex-lover introduced me to fly fishing which has given me hours of pleasure and taught me the value of patience. I also reconnected with a past lover who made an evening memorable and made me laugh heartily which I desperately needed. During this time I also turned 64…an age that is immortalized in that Beatles song…the lyrics finally ring true at this age!

On May 21st I left Oregon and headed to San Jose where the Gracie graduated from San Jose State. Hard to believe that my 20 yo young woman is headed off into the big wide world on her own. She’s come a long way since when she left as a 17 year old girl. Almost the entire family attended the graduation except the oldest and I spent two days in the company of my ex. It was a test for me of sorts but I have found that enough time has passed with very little contact so that the intense feelings that were felt when I left five years ago have mellowed with time and therapy. Do I trust him? NO. Do I like him? Only for what he has done for our children in the past year. Do I hate him? NO because hate only serves to hurt the hater and not the one who those emotions are direct at. I have come a long way, worked hard and am happy that I have reached a sense of neutrality about him whereas five years ago that would have been hard to imagine.

Yesterday, I flew to my oldest daughters home where I am visiting with the grandkids. Next week I head to Michigan to visit with my almost 89 yo father. While we have not always gotten along as I would have liked; I am reminding myself that this will possibly be the last time I see him which allows for a perspective that is entrenched in visions consisting of love and compassion. From there I head to Las Vegas to stay with my best friend for almost two weeks until I leave for Queretaro, Mexico for two months. After Mexico I head to Costa Rica to housesit for six weeks. While I am elated about these prospects, I am also facing a health issue that is concerning and that outcome will determine if I am able to keep traveling or if I will be forced to change plans and face surgery…or worse. And the worse is what stops me in my tracks. So often, we put off living for kids, mortgages, and retirement only to find when we reach our Golden Years disease robs us of our dreams for our future. I have been lucky. I have lived so many of my dreams and done many of those things that are important to me. Yet, I know of many who have not. It matters not if you are young or old. You have the choice to decide that now is the time for you to start really living your life in a way that is meaningful and authentic to you. You are alive NOW so use your time wisely and start making a promise to yourself that each year you will accomplish one thing that you believe will be important to your personal growth and benefit the world/people around you.

Queretaro, Mexico

Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I’m sixty-four – The Beatles

Silence

For years I craved silence. The silence to contemplate. The silence which would deaden all the thoughts running around in my head with their corresponding sounds. The silence brought about when six children were all tucked into their beds and I could hear the whispers of the house as it told the stories that had happened that day. Yes, I craved silence. In fact, I was suppose to get hearing aids at age 25 but I didn’t. Whether it was vanity or just not wanting to hear the noisiness intruding on my everyday world; hearing everything at 1/2 sound was perfectly okay with me….until it wasn’t.

As I have aged my use of the word “What?” has increased proportionally to the speed at which my boobs have dropped. My children, lovers and friends have become frustrated at having to repeat themselves and I have often misunderstood what was being said to the point that I have hurt people inadvertently because I thought I heard something that I didn’t. I have spent so many years filling in the blanks incorrectly that it had become a way of life that many people were tired of sharing with me. And even scarier, studies have shown that people with hearing loss are much more inclined to develop dementia because they are not using or underusing parts of their brains.

So recently, I bought a pair of hearing aids from Costco. Yes, I am brand naming because Costco made it such an easy and simple process. Their audiologist was fantastic and walked me through everything I had to know and installed the app on my phone.

I have to say that I adapted really quickly to my devices even though it was strange to hear again. Now I walk down the street and actually hear the birds singing. I hear the refrigerator running (not sure that is great) and I can engage in conversations and not be embarrassed because I said something inappropriate. I can actually say that wearing hearing aids has changed my life for the better and for that I am thankful.

So the next time you have to repeat yourself to someone because of their hearing loss be patient with them. Understand that making a decision to wear hearing aids is a difficult and often complicated one. But most of all, in your kindest voice, with a smile gracing your face perhaps you might say to your hard of hearing friend, “I love talking with you. It is a highlight of my day. It would be wonderful if our conversation could be a little smoother which it might be if you could hear me just a little better.” And then just leave it at that. Timing is everything and one day your hearing impaired loved one will be ready to take the plunge. Until then, give them the support and encouragement that they need to realize for themself all that they are missing.

Scared Shitless…But Doing It Anyway!

Three weeks ago I was in Thailand with my boyfriend, who, on the second day of our trip, decided to end things with me. There was no fight. No argument. No nothing. Just a surprise conversation while lying in bed together. Talk about a sure fire way to lose your libido!

If I am honest with myself, I knew the relationship wasn’t quite right (mostly for him) I am optimistic and he is a pessimist. He is a neat freak whereas I am not so anal. I embrace life and love fiercely whereas he says he isn’t sure what love really is. But I knew the end was coming when he said I reminded him of his mother..he disliked her. And, well, the big thing…he has never found me attractive…yes, he had the gall to say it (more than once) and as we all know there was nothing I could do about that except lose my confidence and start feeling somewhat insecure. But still I persisted. Why? We laugh a lot, had great ___, are compatible and were economically similar. And he taught me things, important things like fly fishing, he values our friendship and a truly nice man who tries to look out for my best interests even when I am sometimes unable to determine what they are. Sometimes as you age the things that were once high on your priority list suddenly slip a little while other once inconceivable things now take their place. Luckily, we are good friends and enjoy each other’s company so we still had a good time but seriously walking on the beach NOT hand-in-hand was not exactly how I envisioned a beach trip to Thailand and Laos.

Anyway, the day before leaving the country, I put my house up for sale…kind of on a whim but then again not. It sold in one day. I worked hard on this house. New wood flooring, painted the inside and outside myself, new roof, faucets, fixtures and tile in the bathroom, a beautiful garden with 7 ft high fence to keep the elk out, along with numerous other projects all completed in two years. I love this house, that I painted red which was located then two miles from the ocean. And I sold it and a whole lot of what I owned. Why? Right now….this second…. in this moment of complete panic… I am not sure why. But deep in my heart I know I did the right thing and these are the reasons I believe I did:

Fist off, I think the housing market is going to crash and wanted to get out while the getting was good. I didn’t want my house to be worth less than I paid for it. Secondly, I live on almost an acre and one-half and with the traveling I have been doing it isn’t practical with all the mowing and upkeep on the garden. Furthermore, I do not like the direction that this country is headed at the moment. And finally, I always wanted to try to live in another country for a bit. Everything combined created the perfect storm and I went for it. Now, as I pack boxes and unload many of my earthly possessions I am questioning myself.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Perhaps it is early onset dementia?

“Yes, maybe. I couldn’t remember the word for fork the other day”

“Everyone says start writing notes to yourself.”

“You tried that and lost the notebook”

“What kind of 64 year old woman sells everything and sets off an a big adventure that most 18 yo’s without gut issues, hearing aids, and often severe gas don’t even consider?”

And so it goes. The never-ending songs inside my head.

So here is the plan. I hope to housesit around the world. I will be homeless May 15th, a week later will attend my youngest daughter’s graduation from college, fly to my other daughter’s house in Tennessee, visit my Dad in Michigan then by the middle of June arrive at my best friends house in Las Vegas. Then, June 20th, I will leave for Queretaro, Mexico to housesit for two months. It’s a beautiful historic town and I think I am going to enjoy stepping back in history a bit. From there…who knows. But Ecuador seems to be calling my name.

I hope you will join me on this crazy journey that I am taking and know if I can do this you can do something scary and a bit difficult too. And if you want to know about where I was five years ago with a cheating husband and my six kids, well then, just read this blog!

Hello Again…

It’s Been A Few Years…And Many New Chapters

So after several years of anonymity (didn’t want anyone to know whose sad life I was writing about) and years of being away from blogging, I have decided to continue this blog again. For the longest time I have put it off because I was finding myself and trying to distance myself from all the heartache that my ex inflicted and still tries to even today. I didn’t know that I wanted to continue to write on a blog that was once so full of angst and pain when I am in such a different place than I was when I started writing this…what?…seven…maybe eight years ago. But then I decided… we grow. Life changes. And good stuff happens so it occurred to me that it might be helpful for those whose lives feel upended to realize that you will come out on the other side. Different but mostly in a way that improves your life and in ways that you didn’t even know that you needed.

 I am 63 years old now. Since my divorce my ex just took me to court again to reduce support which cost me $25,000 in legal fees. My take…try to avoid the lawyers if you can. As I write this he is in Italy living life to the fullest…but then again so am I. I am just much poorer than he is but I can honestly say that my life is much richer and unlike him… I know who I am and love who I have become. That said, because of my ex’s behavior I still find trusting men to be complex. However, I am learning that trust = consistency over time and when I view it in that manner I find that trust is easier to see and it comes out from those dark shadows. 

Since I stopped writing this blog I have had three love affairs; each lasting about a year and all teaching me lessons that I needed to learn. I don’t regret even one of them (okay, maybe one) and will always treasure this time spent in loving growth. That is not to say that these didn’t come with their own kind of heartache when they ended (the last one occurring just last week) but I can honestly say that I would do it all again for the love I received and experiences I grew from. For instance, from one of these men I learned how to fly fish. Had anyone told me that one day I would be casting while standing in the pouring rain for four hours I would have thought they were crazy. As it is, my kids are convinced that early onset dementia has kicked in but I love this new hobby. I have yet to catch a fish but I am not trying (no hook used) I just like being in nature and trying to get my body to do what I want it to do. I have also tied a few flies of my own.

Two years ago I moved to the coast of Oregon where I live on 1 1/2 acres in a house that I just painted red which is a color that I have always loved. I planted a garden and made a patio within it surrounded by a 7 1/2 foot fence that is suppose to keep my 30+ herd of elk out. I have a mountain lion that comes by at night about twice a year along with a bear that likes to raid my trashcan. I can pick wild mushrooms just by stepping outside my door and I try to walk along the ocean which is one mile from my house once a day. I have created my own little world that I am very happy and comfortable in. While not huge, my house is big enough for me and the things I hold dear. Everything in it reflects where I have been and who I am now. It is very hippie-bohemian just like me. And I am finding peace and actively creating it for myself.

I have also worked on being brave. I have written a children’s book. I also began writing songs about three years ago and thus far have written about 20 of them. Songwriting is such a joy to me and a truly different way that I now have to express myself. In forcing myself to be brave I have taken to playing at open mic night here in town. I hate every minute of it and how I play perfectly at home and bomb while on stage. But hey, that is okay because I am challenging myself and don’t just sit in complacency doing nothing. 

I have also traveled quite a bit in the five years since I left my ex. Mostly with my lovers (Australia, Europe and Norway) I also fished in British Columbia, Canada. Also during MY YEAR OF BEING BRAVE (a year that I dedicated to doing things outside of my comfort zone) I traveled alone to Qatar and the Maldives Islands. I travel cheap. I don’t stay at the best hotels, I visit off season, and I look for incredible deals in order to be able to create the life I envision for myself. Then, occasionally I write stories for magazines about my adventures. (And for those wondering… FYI-I pay my own way and don’t rely on any man) Believe me, I know that I am fortunate to be able to craft this life that I am living mostly on my own terms.

My children are all doing pretty darn well considering the extent of the family implosion. Gracie will graduate from college in May. Paul has a good job and just bought a condo. My other Korean son who has autism earned his associates degree and is now at college in Texas working on his bachelors. My oldest three are doing well as are my grandkids.

Yes, I miss having a permanent partner in my life and I would like to someday find one for I still believe that a passionate/compassionate kind of love can be found. I used to think I couldn’t live a happy life without someone standing by my side but I have come to find that I can. At times, it saddens me to think I might die alone but in reality we all do in one form or another so I am becoming more and more comfortable with that thought. And while I have found in the past few years that I still put others needs before my own I am learning to do it on my terms and in ways that bring satisfaction to me. 

This coming year….2025…I have decided will be spent crafting a YEAR OF OVERFLOWING ABUNDANCE. What this means at the present time… I am not sure. But somewhere in the back of my mind it means being grateful, saying yes to opportunities presented, and seeing the glass as neither half empty or half full but overflowing abundantly. I am also considering a 3 to 6 month stay in another country….something that I have always wanted to do. 

So here’s to you and me. Here’s to the all the possibilities that come our way. Here’s to finding our way out of the dark and into the light. Sometimes I cannot believe who I have become and occasionally I miss who I once was but I would not trade this life that I have created for myself. I hope you feel the same way too!

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