Beauty

Stars

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 10 Comments

So today I was determined to climb out on the roof again to paint the second coat on the shutters. As I was pulling the heavy wood and metal blinds up, they slid out of their holders and put a dent in my head. I immediatley became nauseous, got a terrific headache… the likes of which I have never felt before… and I saw stars. The kind of stars that circle around the head of  Daffy Duck or any Looney Tunes character who has had the unfortunate experience of being hit on the noggin.

imgres-3

I spent the majority of the day in bed popping aspirin, groaning, and trying to remember if my DO NOT RESUSCITATE orders were on file at the local hospital… just in case.

Stars are  usually a glorious thing. When shining brilliantly at night they light our way to uncharted places. They remind us that there is something other than ourselves taking up space in the cosmos. They sprinkle the sky and our minds with hope when we wish upon them and they let us see history in its making. I still get amazed when I think that I can look back in history 20 million years just by viewing a star.

Stars have tremendous significance in our culture. We aspire to be stars in our own field of work and some aspire to earn a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. We shoot for the stars, they mysteriously fall from the sky, and sometimes, if you are very lucky, even love is written in them. Stars really are an unpredictable and incredible creation.

Sometimes as I walk this journey through Mid-Life and through a “maybe” divorce I look to the stars for answers. I look up and see both the shadows and light which seems to mimic the course my life is taking now. I realize that looking to the stars for answers sounds like something out of a child’s fairy tale. Comforting. Magical. And perhaps that is all it really is..one big illusion. Yet, I would like to think that the stars are lighting up and guiding me to the possibilities that lie within me…freeing me… from those black spaces so that I might get my sparkle back and shine brightly once more. And thinking this way gives me hope that someday I can be my own beacon for my children and that they might look at that light radiating outwards from me to help them find their own place in this world…wherever that may be.

Significant Moments In Our Lives

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

images-4

Sometimes I wonder if it is really true that we can count the exact moments something truly significant happens in our lives. I know in my life this appears to be true. Those moments for me seem to revolve around loss, death, birth (or seeing my children’s faces for the first time and knowing they were meant to be a part of our family) and really intense conversations such as when B said he may want a divorce. They are moments in which I can still recount conversations, almost word for word, and the feelings that accompanied those exchanges. I remember the smells, the background noise, and the stillness of the air as the force of the words hit me; sometimes driving me downward and sometimes making me soar. Pain and joy are what I have found at these times; usually one or the other but rarely both.

I have come to understand that we recognize these momentous moments because they seem to have a life of their own, rising up to meet us, with the force of a tsunami, and we have no choice but to acknowledge their arrival. For me, recognition has often come in the form of  a swift deep ache in the pit on my stomach which threatened to drop me to my knees.It can happen with a look or with the first word. I can count on both hands those moments which sent a shiver up my spine which then exploded into my brain. A realization that something was about to change because of what I was experiencing or witnessing right before my own eyes and the fear that often accompanied it.

Yet, as I have aged I have also come to see that sometimes we only recognize the significance of these momentous moments later on down the line in our lives. Those for me are the hardest…these later recognitions because often I think I would have chosen to do things differently or respond in a different manner if I had understood how life altering that space in time would become later on. This recognition is making me examine how I respond to things NOW so I don’t miss those really important and few chances that we have to step on a different path in the future because of how we behave in those moments of the here and now.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better or worse to have more of these momentous moments. Would they come mundane if they were to occur more often? Would we fail to feel that deep love or sense of failure if these occasions showed up in our lives too often? Would we forget that sense of appreciation? And if these moments only happened once in our lives would we always wonder if THIS WAS THAT MOMENT and never just live in the moment? Would we feel a sense of disappointment if that was all there was and we knew there were no more possibilities for these moments to occur?

I don’t have the answers to these questions but this I know…that whether we look for these moments or not and whether we recognize them for what they are; they are the moments that invite us to change if we just have the courage to do so. How we respond is up to us and so is what we take away from these times. We have the power to make these moments whatever we choose and we also know that because life is fluid how we view them in the future may be quite different than in the past. And lets hope that we give them the attention they so deserve.

Copyright CLD 4/4/16

Welcome To The World M

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

 

Today…February 9, 2016 my niece will be born into this glorious world. She comes into it the same way our daughter Nicole did 25 years ago…via IVF. Things have changed so much in the past 25 years but the wishes that we have for a beautiful new life remain the same. These are the things that I wish for you my dear M:

  1. That you will know more happiness than pain and that you soon realize that happiness can usually be found all around you if you will just seek it out.
  2. That you will be brave and stand up for the things that are important because it is the right thing to do.
  3. That you will know the kind of love that is deep, eternal and true. And that you walk away from anyone who tries to give you less.
  4. That you know the gift of friendship and treasure the people you let into your life as long as they treasure you back.
  5. That you marvel at something that you have seen or experienced everyday so you remember to appreciate all that you have.
  6. That you will not be afraid to take risks when those risks allow you to follow your dreams.
  7. That you remember that it is okay to disagree and it doesn’t make you a “bad” person.
  8. That the gifts of patience, joy, loyalty are bountiful in your life.
  9. That you find what makes you laugh and then do a lot of it.
  10. That you remember to skip at least once a day.
  11. That you view your mistakes as opportunities for further growth and realize that they are not the end of the world.
  12. That you understand that perfection is just an arbitrary word.
  13. That you believe you have family who know you, understand you and accept you for who you are and you turn to them when needed.
  14. That you possess the wisdom to know what you don’t know but that you have the ability to find out what you need to know when you need to know it.
  15. That you experience confidence in all areas of your life.
  16. That you have the understanding that whatever has happened in the past is over and that each day brings new opportunities if you choose to seek them out.
  17. That you have the courage to look at yourself as you really are.
  18. That Peace On Earth becomes more than just a holiday slogan.
  19. That you learn to trust in yourself and others…but mostly yourself.
  20. That your spirit is awakened and that you know that you do not walk alone in this world.

 

THE REST OF THE STORY

My BIL and SIL were lucky to finally find each other late in their lives. They married four years ago and wanted nothing more than to make babies. Unfortunately, they were unable to do so. Last year they found out about two children who needed a home and they inquired about adopting them but the state said that they were trying for parental reunification and because of this and the fact that they were out of state it would not be possible for them to adopt these children.

Last March my BIL & SIL heard about an IVF program that offered six tries and if you did not get pregnant your money was refunded; so they decided that they would try. The procedure was done in May 2015 and they were due to find out if they were pregnant June 1. May 29th the state called and asked if they would be willing to adopt the two children who were now three and two. They said absolutely. June first they found out they were pregnant. In November the two girls came to live with them and now we wait for the birth of M.

To say their lives have changed is an understatement. They are 50 and 49 as they just begin their journey into parenthood with three children all under the age of four. Where most of us are taking the kids to college they are changing diapers and visiting pre-schools. It’s a good reminder that sometimes we just don’t know in which direction our lives will take us and often we will experience many surprises along the way. So to all those people out there who are waiting for a child to love never give up hope for you never know just how your story will turn out. Maybe you will conceive, maybe you will adopt, or maybe you will create a family that is unique and just right for you. As a mom who had been told she would never be able to have a child, and who now has six; you just never know what the journey will look like when you are just starting out because life just throws you little surprises all along the way.

Happy Birthday, M! I can hardly wait to meet you and find out who you are!images-2

Pescetarian No More

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

Every once in a while when we escape to “our” place something spectacular, unique or unexpected takes place. This week it was Sid.

Sid is a tall, lean, gawky and socially awkward kind of guy; think Sheldon Cooper on steroids and you’ve got an idea of who Sid really is. He is a solitary mate who lives to fish…I mean, really, he is a fisherman first class. But the best thing about Sid is that he is quiet and seldom around so seeing him is more like an unearned luxury rather than an everyday occurrence. Yet, when Sid is around he’s got your full attention because his presence is so BIG and so RARE, well, he’s kind of like Howard Hughes strolling the MGM backlot.

So what’s so special about Sid? He’s a Great Blue Heron, that’s what.

Rarely does one get the pleasure of seeing such a big bird. With a wing span of five to six-and one-half-feet they are massive when stretched. When they take flight they run like an awkward three-year-old girls whose shoes are untied but when airborne they fly with the grace of ballerina, their immense wings flapping to some unnamed symphony that is carried on the currents of the wind in a 4/4 time signature.

And while watching Sid is you know you are on borrowed time because, shy fellow that he is, he doesn’t like to be intruded on and often just leaves without fanfare. But not this week. This week Sid stayed by the Lodge… away from the marshes, away from the spray of the thundering waves that pounded the shore, and he stayed away from the fish. It was a pleasant surprise to see this different side of Sid. But even more surprising than all the things he didn’t do was the “unusual” thing he did. As he paraded himself clumsily over the potholed terrain, he suddenly snagged a gopher turning from pescetarian to carnivore on a dime! Who knew?

And so now when I think of Sid I think of a guy so different from whom I originally envisioned. A kind of creepy quiet gourmet who can grab, fillet and dine on his prey all within 20 seconds…A Hannibal Lector sort of fellow that you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley. Sinister yet charming. I’m sure you know the type. Strange and nothing like you originally pictured. Kind of like many of the people who weave themselves in and out of our lives..the odd ducks that sing like canaries when presented with the right opportunities. And for all their uniqueness and not being what we originally pictured somehow they become important to us as they nest into our lives and become something to treasure. For they are a rare bird… a welcome bird… in a world filled with common seagulls that shit on you…just because they can.

(Okay, i’m tired and should have quit two paragraphs ago…sorry!)

DSC00507

Pictures of Sid

DSC00571

 

If I Die Soon…Advice To My Daughters

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

images-3

For about the past  ten years whenever I travel I tend to freak out before I go. While I never used to be afraid; I am now scared of flying. My family expects this of me now and they laugh at my trepidation.  “That’s just crazy mom,” they say with a smile.

I originally told B I was not going to China with him because I had an overwhelming feeling of dread. So now, as I contemplate this trip I have decided I need to leave my daughters some thoughts that I think contribute to living a good life just in case I trip on a yak and fall to my death on Everest. I thought of all of these things off of the top of my head instead of consulting the internet so that is probably why the list is what it is.

For N and G… Love CLHD 12/18/15

Here goes:

  1. Wear a bikini every chance you get when you are young and take a zillion pictures. You will never look this good again so you might as well document the heck out of it.
  2. Any person who tells you that you can’t do something doesn’t know you immense capabilities. Don’t listen to the naysayers.
  3. You never NEED a man. EVER. It’s okay to enjoy one though and be with one because he makes you happy and looks after your interests on the same level as his own.
  4. Report serious wrongdoing or abuse of power.
  5. You are a woman in a sea full of them. Stand out while supporting one another and for goodness sake don’t go poaching someone else’s man. You deserve more than sloppy seconds.
  6. Don’t worry about what others think and do what is unexpected. Your life will be so much more fulfilling if you do.
  7. Fulfill your dreams before having kids so you don’t resent them.
  8. Backpack…somewhere…anywhere…at least once in your life.
  9. Don’t be in a hurry. Get your degree then travel for awhile before doing your life’s work.
  10. Listen to your intuition. Really listen and follow it. It will rarely let you down.
  11. If some nut job forces his way into the car, steer into a building, another car, a light pole…anything. A car is replaceable but you are not.
  12. The first time a man hits you leave and never look back. Oh and be sure to say F*** You on the way out.
  13. You have an obligation to participate in the political system. Do so wisely and anyone who is a hater- work to defeat them.
  14. Don’t shave your legs for a month.
  15. Always walk to your car with your keys in your hands and your thumb over the alarm button. Look before you get in. If ANYONE makes you nervous go back to the store. NEVER be afraid to yell HELP or create a scene.
  16. Do what makes you feel good at least once a day.
  17. Chances are if you are a hater someday you will be the hated. Don’t hate.
  18. Not everyone is going to like you. Deal with it.
  19. There are times in your life where nothing will go as planned. It’s okay…you will come out the other side perhaps a little scathed but destined for something that is meant just for you.
  20. Those things you think are really important are usually not as important as you think. Let them go.
  21. Enjoy sex and have a lot of it. Enough said.
  22. The only thing worrying creates is more worry.
  23. Love is the greatest thing in the world and love is the worst thing in the world but do your best to love like its the only thing in the world.
  24. Age 20…one piece of candy = more. Age 50…one piece of candy = 5 pounds, three new zippers and having to have your wedding ring re-sized.
  25. You can love whomever you want as long as they aren’t already taken.
  26. Always ask if you need help. There is no shame in it.
  27. Corners are for mice.
  28. Make a bucket list when you are young and then work to hard to cross everything off of it before you die.
  29. You can revise your bucket list at any time.
  30. Test drive the stick shift before you marry it. There is nothing worse than being married to a manual when you like to shift from high to low gear when you are going for a joy ride.
  31. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t be a snob.Have compassion.
  32. Offer a hand up whenever you can
  33. Carry a McDonalds gift card in the glove compartment of your car to hand to a homeless person who is down and out…you may be there too someday. One never knows.
  34. Give 100% to what you are doing and then when you are done… rest.
  35. You are many things and many people rolled into one. Don’t just be the one that is the easiest. Be the one that makes your life feel complete.
  36. Be respectful to the elderly.
  37. Everyone has a story. Listen.
  38. Don’t drink and drive.
  39. Don’t make a promise unless you intend to keep it.
  40. Plan for the future but don’t live in it. This also means you should have a small water and food supply readily accessible in order to survive something unexpected.
  41. Remember your kids might see what you wrote on Facebook someday. Be nice.
  42. Clarity bring rewards. Think before acting.
  43. A good bra makes all the difference in the world but there are times to burn it too.
  44. Anytime someone says they know you better than you know yourself…don’t believe them.
  45. Be kind just because it is the right thing to do, just don’t be stupid about it.
  46. Read
  47. Say NO freely and with force when needed.
  48. Save money for a rainy day. Cardboard boxes fall apart when wet.
  49. Learning that you can’t always get what you want is helpful to figure out early on.
  50. If you have to get high more than once a month you aren’t being your own best friend.
  51. Never go to bed mad.
  52. Tell your spouse everyday three things you appreciate about them and be sincere.
  53. No eye rolling unless you are trying to get a part in a play.
  54. Never let yourself get more than 10 pounds overweight without losing it because somehow it rapidly grows to twenty.
  55. Forgive yourself. Often.
  56. Only give a loan if you can be pleasantly surprised if you ever get the money back.
  57. You should never have more “best friends” than the number of phone numbers you can remember in your head.
  58. Make mistakes just don’t be a jackass about it and keep making the same stupid ones…especially as it concerns men.
  59. Life is fluid. Try not to live in rigidity.
  60. I used to believe you could never love a child too much and then I met some adults who had.
  61. Don’t chew gum. It is totally non-biodegradable and will be around longer than we will.
  62. There is a reason why they say patience is a virtue. Unfortunately, I never had enough. I hope you do.
  63. Every time you have sex with a different man you give a little piece of your self away. Make sure you have enough of the good pieces left for yourself.
  64. Orange juice is good. Vodka is better.OR-G is superb. Together they are amazing. Reminder see #38.
  65. Love yourself first in a healthy non-narcissistic way…the rest will follow.
  66. Winnie the Pooh and Piglet had a great relationship. Aim for that.
  67. Your EVERYTHING MUST BE FAIR IN LIFE certificate was lost at birth. There is no way to order another one.
  68. Ugly women wear layers while beautiful women wear smiles.
  69. Compliment, compliment, compliment when you truly mean it.
  70. Exercise your body and your mind.
  71. It’s good to be smart so don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being so.
  72. Don’t act dumb in front of boys.
  73. Don’t have too much pride or stubbornness to apologize first.
  74. Learn to just sit comfortably with yourself as a way towards self-discovery.
  75. There is a difference between loving and spoiling.
  76. Go to the doctor once a year and get your yearly GYN exam. Please.
  77. Loyalty is rarely overrated.
  78. Your children are not really YOURS…you just borrow them for awhile.
  79. When you have no words just hold hands.
  80. Perfection doesn’t exist. Stop searching for it.
  81. I have spent too much of my life being negative. It doesn’t do anyone any good. Please don’t do that to yourself and others.
  82. Laugh hard and loud. A good snort in public is good for the soul.
  83. Your husband will make mistakes. You will make mistakes. It isn’t necessarily the end of your marriage even though it feels that way.
  84. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I already did that for you and your allotment is all used up.
  85. Sometimes you just have to work harder whether you want to or not.
  86. You are beautiful just the way you are. Believe it.
  87. If you hate your body in some way you just end up hating yourself. Stop it.
  88. Acceptance is a wonderful thing in most aspects of life. Try to partake of it often.
  89. If you see that your love for someone is like constantly riding a rollercoaster it is time to apply the emergency brake and get off the ride.
  90. Drama is for the stage only. Don’t create it and don’t accept it into your life.
  91. Never give up unless you are doing something stupid.
  92. Most things (except becoming pregnant) will not matter six months from now.
  93. Know I loved you.Deeply. Happily and sometimes in a flawed way.As you know I was far from perfect. I made lots of mistakes. Sometimes I did things out of fear rather than love. Don’t do that.Take the good of me with you, discard the bad and don’t take too much of me with you on your own journey. You are who you are and are under no obligation to be anything like me. Find your own path…mine was just for you to walk alongside me for a while but your own path awaits. Make your steps count but skip along that path too. Skipping clears the head and makes you feel alive again. You have but one life on this earth. Make it amazing for you, your family and for humankind. That’s all you can do. I love you…always have…always will.
  94. And please remember everything on this blog is copyrighted 2015.

Jigsaw Puzzle of Life

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

images-3

We never enjoyed doing jigsaw puzzles until this summer when my 90 yo aunt introduced us to them while we sat on the summer porch looking over the lake. After that, Gracie and I were hooked.

There is nothing quite like time spent doing a jigsaw. Life slows down, your senses are heightened and magic begins to happen as an image slowly begins to form. All that hard work and in the end you see the results unlike so many things we do in life in which we never “see” what we actually do. But the best thing about the jigsaw that happens is the time that Gracie and I spend together. We sit in near silence except for the “eureka” that is voiced triumphantly when we find an elusive piece.And sometimes in this quiet time a different type of magic occurs and little bits of conversation emerge that never would otherwise.

“Mom,” she says with a sense of pain and frustration that catches the words in her soft little voice, “Celeste (her nemesis) asked me in front of my friends, “Can you see out of your eyes?”

I give a snort of indignation.

“So what did you say?”

“I told her, what, do you see me with a white cane or something? How can you ask such a stupid question?”

“Well done. I hate when people try to get our goat and I am proud that you didn’t let her.”

These are the types of conversations that my tween and I have as we stare at 1,000 little pieces scattered over one small card table. Brief, sweet, insightful…I hear things I normally wouldn’t have as we sit in the silence together. It’s perfect amount for a 12 yo who is not sure she needs her mother anymore and enough for me not to put my foot in my mouth and say something unnecessary or unneeded. And in that, I realize our words together are a lot like those jigsaw pieces…small, misshapen, but often fitting together until a picture is created. And that is enough for both of us right now.

The Perfect Study

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

imgres-1

Several years ago I read a study that found that overweight women were consistently judged as younger than they actually were. In addition, and even more important, overweight women were rated younger than their skinny same-age counter parts. Seems that the fat in the face fills in those age fissures that often become as wide as the Grand Canyon when you reach my age.

This study was of interest to me because I am overweight. I am not obese but I have 40 pounds to lose to reach my optimum weight, improve my chances of avoiding knee replacement and probably prolong my life. Yet, as I read this study I realized there was a major flaw contained within it so I want a new study to be done. The perfect study. A study that every woman would pay good money for the results. And it is this:

I want to know exactly how much weight to lose to reach the perfect balance of enough fat to fill in those fine lines while still improving my health. At what point do those lines become caverns when the fat decreases. Is it 24.3 pounds? 18.2? 35.8? What is the optimum fat to filler ratio? Surely there is a way to measure this! I mean if you can invent Viagra certainly this should be a piece of cake. (Of course, we all know that the penis always has precedence over anything else known to man)

In this vein, my girlfriend contends that as women age they become either cows (fat, happy and always have something good to eat on the stove) or goats (skinny, carry carrots in a baggie along with a cup of double expresso at all times, and have a mmmmmmad and hungry look about them 24/7). Somehow, I think if I could learn this mathematical formula I could avoid both and look like a llama (perfect balance of fat to lean, great long distance spitter, soft and cuddly).

So all you scientists out there, I’ve just given you the perfect study that will make you a mint. At just a $1 a pop those huge students loans will be a thing of your past while this llama will be strutting her stuff in front of the pen.

Christmas This Year..Think Heifer International

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

Yeah, I know, this post is going to sound like one of those poor-oh-so-whiny and  spoiled American blogs and today that is what is truly is. I know. I get it. But today I will put myself out there and hang my head in shame if it gets just one of you over to the Heifer site to make a donation to this worthwhile organization. Thanks.

Christmas has become a fiasco in this house. Every year the pile of presents seems to get bigger while the actual needs get smaller. The holiday had become grand that no one can remember exactly what they received because there was just too much to process and catalog at one time.

I confess this is all my fault. Unlike my ex-brother-in-law who takes his kids shopping for a new toy every Friday (ugh); I am one of those parents who rarely buys something for my kids unless it is their birthday or Christmas. The rest of the year…forget it.  Yet, I have discovered that this parenting philosophy of mine also works to my disadvantage because I guilt myself into believing I have to make up for all those “NO’S” during the rest of the year and so at Christmas I am like Santa on steroids…disgusting…especially when there are so many children in the world just wanting to have a meal to fill their empty stomachs. Over the years my travels have pressed into my psyche the enormous needs throughout the world and in this country too.Buying toys or providing food…the seriousness of this weighs heavily on my mind during the holiday season and throughout the year. Really a child going hungry should not be happening anywhere in this day and age. But it does all too often and we all suffer because of it because who is to say what that child could have grown up to achieve? Perhaps they would have been the one to provide the missing “ingredient” to make sustainable cold fusion a reality? Or maybe they would have become a person who promotes unity and healing throughout the world? Maybe someone like Gandhi? Or maybe they would have practiced the art of a local healer whose ability to diagnose keeps her community alive? So much potential talent snuffed out and wasted due to weather, politics, poor infrastructure, greedy middlemen or assholes who intentionally starve their citizens while their pockets and bellies grow fat.

While I cannot change all the problems in the world I can change them in my little corner. So after much decision and debate this year we are trying something new. Each child will get four presents; one in each category: SOMETHING I WANT; SOMETHING I NEED, SOMETHING TO WEAR and SOMETHING TO READ. They will also pick out a animal to donate through Heifer International to a family whose life will be changed because they now have a way to sustain themselves and make money as their animals procreate and grow. And if you are interested you can contribute too. Visit Heifer International and learn more about this worthwhile charity. Or do something for your neighbors in need. Whatever we each do we will be making the change that we all want to see and that is the best gift we can give ourselves in a world gone mad.

http://www.heifer.org/

 

Autism 101

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

images-2

AUTISM 101

Often times we have our best conversations in the car so tonight (2011) while Paul and I were out together I decided to broach the subject of autism and explain to him about the condition he has. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, Paul have you ever heard the word autism?

Paul: I’m not sure but I think so.

I pause wondering if I should go on

Paul: So what is it?

Me (Describing Paul): Well, it is something that some people have. Sometimes a person with autism hears noises louder than other people. LIke they might hear the refrigerator sound very loud whereas most people can not really hear it. Or sometimes for someone with autism lights seem very bright. Sometimes people with autism find it hard to be touched or they are really ticklish. Do you want me to go on?

Paul: Okay.

Me: Sometimes people who have autism find it hard to look other people in the eyes when they are talking to them and sometimes it is very hard for them to sit still. For some people with autism the tags in their shirts make them itchy. Sometimes it is hard for them to talk to other people. But people with autism are usually very smart and often they see things in ways that other people don’t which makes them good artists or good with computers or good playing a musical instrument. Their brains just work a little differently than many people, but hey, everyone is different. Some people have brown hair, some people need a wheelchair to get around. Having autism is just like being a boy or being Korean or having blue or brown eyes. It is just a part of who a person is but not the whole person. Do you have any questions?

Paul: “Mom, do you have autism cause if you do, I still love you just the way you are!”

Say YES To The Dress

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

images-12

Tonight I am heading to a charity ball being held to raise money for my daughter’s diving team. At fifty-five years of age you would think I would be an old pro at this, but no, I am a virgin at this type of affair and unlike most Cinderellas…I have no fairy godmother to take care of things for me. As a result of this misfortune, for the past three days I have been schlepping from store to store in search of the perfect dress, shoes, and a fat suit to hold it all in. Needless to say it has been discouraging and a major blow to the old ego.

Dress one: Long, scarlet and slit oh-so-high-right-up-the-thigh. Youngest daughter almost throws up in her mouth. “Really mom,” she sighs. “One day I’ll have to go back to the pool and I don’t want you to be THE mom that everyone is still talking about.”

Dress two: short, blue. “Mom, your cellulite is showing.”

Dress three: Just sparkly enough to catch my daughter’s interest…until I put it on. “I think you will need a bigger fat suit,” she says.

Dress four: White, bra-less with cutouts in the back. “OMG, Mom. Do your boobs really drop that far when you get old?” (I swear I am never taking this kid shopping with me again!)

Dresses five through eleven:

“No.”

“No.”

“OH-No.”

“Gross.”

“Please mom don’t embarrass me in that.”

“Absolutely…no way.”

“Really, mom, what are you thinking?”

Dress twelve: Oh SHIT, I ripped it near the zipper when I tried to pull it down over my hips. Future reminder to self… ALWAYS take dress off by pulling over your head.

Dress thirteen: Black, long. Two sizes smaller than I normally wear.  My daughter gasps and instructs me to turn around.

“IT FITS!” she squeals.

“It  fits… like…everywhere?” I hesitantly ask trying to avoid my major most obvious issue by refusing to turn around to take a good look at my ample ass in the mirror.

“EVERYWHERE!” she exclaims.”You look really beautiful and you no longer look so embarrassing!” (Okay, maybe she can come shopping with me again someday)

“Really?” I say, running my hand over my hills and dales. I look HARD. Move here. Move there. Bend…nothing ripped, nothing broke, nothing howled.

“Honey, quick, hand me my phone,” I say with a real sense of urgency in my voice.

Just like that I dial the number to my instructor at the Pilates studio and sign up for another ten pack of lessons, as tears slide down my cheeks. My daughter thinks I am beautiful… maybe I should go purchase a lottery ticket!

And FYI Prince Charming … be forewarned…you might just be riding home all alone in that pumpkin because this fifty-five year-old Cinderella is going to the ball tonight and she’s looking damn good!