Trust your journey…nothing more to say!
Marriage
Power
I ask B to share with me the emotions he has felt on this “maybe” divorce journey as part of the 365 Days Little Buddha Challenge. My intention is just to listen in hopes of greater understanding and clarity.
He says that he feels under appreciated, under valued, and like he has been in a rowboat rowing all by himself.
I ask what would it take to make feel him feel that he was valued and appreciated.
“For you to focus on the family instead of yourself. I work and have taken on a lot in the last 5 years.”
What would that look like I ask?
“I don’t know.” It always comes down to I don’t know. Or I want to have the last word in our relationship. My word is the final word. And I know that at 56 I do not want to become a caricature of who I want to be and who I am.
And as I ponder his answers I realize that everything he has said I feel the same way about. Exactly. Undervalued. Unappreciated. Unloved. And when you have two people who are intrenched in those kinds of feelings it seems like there is no chance of moving on.
I wonder how exactly he feels I focus on myself. My writing? My genealogy work? He has work, the gym where he works out with Gwinnifer, Rotary, Boys Scouts, his various industry organizations and playing the bagpipes. Yet, he does focus on the things he likes to do with our family. Boy Scouts. While I focused on getting the kids to their therapist once a week for years, hippo therapy, diving lessons and meets. I write and research…that is all I do for myself except clean house at least two hours everyday, make dinner, lunches, do laundry, grocery shop, taxi the kids around, work in the garden, paint all the rooms in our house, etc.
I think having two children with special needs has impacted our relationship in ways that most families never experience and it has increased the stress in our relationship. In addition, it has made it difficult to socialize with others who do not understand how we must live. So we have isolated ourselves as a couple and I have isolated myself as a person.
And as he says these things resentment screeching out of his words like nine-inch nails on a blackboard; I realize once again there is no way to get over this. Even if I bowed down and “obeyed” like he says he wants in a woman, it would never be enough because he will never see anything but what he wants to see/ how he wants to feel…resentment (which he denies), cheated, and all the un-everythings so that he can justify his feelings about wanting a new life, a new wife, and find a way to feel comfortable in his mid-life crisis which actually started 7 years ago when he bought a two-seater Mercedes convertible for a family of six.
And so I inch that much closer to the demise of a relationship in which one person never expressed his needs or told the truth and one who expressed all of it. Constantly. Who asked the deep questions that B couldn’t answer in an attempt to learn about his wants but never could because the information was top-secret and I never had that kind of clearance.
It is time to make the kinds of chances that break hearts. It is time to make the kinds of changes in which it feels that you have been eviscerated and your guts are hanging outside of your body for the world to see. It is time to let go and get on with life unhindered by 30-year-old anger and disappointment. For every time I talk with you I feel horrible about myself afterwards. I’m selfish. Not appreciative enough, skinny enough, loving enough, a good enough mother, a good enough wife, a good enough partner, a good enough person. Like I am nor will I ever be enough. For anybody and certainly for you.
“You took my power,” he says.
“If you really felt that to be true it was your responsibility to get it back, instead of blaming me for not having the guts to do what you should have done.”
So here it is. The power that you accuse me of stealing.The power that you’ve always had and were afraid to control. It’s all yours and it always has been. Let’s see what you do with it.
Too Much
When you really think bout it, it is amazing how we put so much trust in our love when we married when really, we had no idea what we were getting into or how it would all work out. It seems strange that we cannot do that now. We have just as many unknowns waiting for us now as we did then and yet this time we doubt our choice to love and give as freely as we once did.
Do we know too much or do we know too little?
Storms and Baggage
I wait in the shallows
Like a fish hooked to a line
Splashing frantically
Mistaking love for oxygen
Your words driving me backwards
As you release the hook
That has pierced my lip
And held me still for so long
Like a gale churning and throwing
Our life far, far away from
All we knew
I am here
You are there
Yet, your words
And sometimes the lack of them
Take me under
Scraping the sandy bottom
Of what our relationship used to be
I think I can no longer be with you
Because you do not know who you are
And in not knowing
You drag me down to skin and bones
Clinging to life, yet lifeless
I am a soul who still wants to dance
Unafraid of your pronouncements
Of whether that movement
Is good or evil
I want to feel the wind for myself
Let life wash over me again
Unhampered by your sea walls
Meant to keep the shoreline in place
I have done the work
I was meant to do
Have you?
For now I wish
To let the unknown be born
Let the necessary changes occur
Which will free us both
As we are no longer one
We are now separated by a quay
Of hurts larger than the boulders
Which have created it
I want to find wisdom
In how I am living
In what I am feeling and doing
Touching and tasting
No longer content to munch on stale bread
I want the life force
Of action and touch
I want to look outwards
Not back towards your shadow
Which tries to hold on to mine
Refusing to free it
But now…finally
I’m throwing my baggage to the sea
So once again I can be me
Do not try to retrieve it
There is nothing new there for you
All it contains is what
You already rejected
Time and time again
No, let that baggage float out to sea
While I go pack again
With those things that are
Meaningful just to me
The Attorney
The other day I went to interview an attorney. I was told by numerous people that she is the best of the best, that she is a ball-buster that protects her clients interests and that she gets things done. Yes, she was the one I would want to represent me in the event of a divorce.
I arrived at her office 10 minutes early, grabbed the door handle, and pulled. Nothing happened. The door stayed shut and locked. After banging on the door it was answered by the para-legal who apologized and explained that they now kept their door locked at all times due to angry “other-side” men who felt “raped” by my prospective attorney. “Okay,” I thought. “Sounds like she knows how to do her job and do it well.”
I decided right then and there that if we ever became friends I never want to sit next to her at lunch. Too many embittered crazy men out there in the world.
After 10 minutes of waiting in an hip/elegant outer office, a stunning 50ish woman strode in. She was so poised and confident I almost knelt at her feet. It was her, the larger than life CCH and I was immediately impressed. She was imposing and stylish. She was everything I once envisioned I would be at this age. What the hell happened to me? I wondered. I was once on her path. At what point did I veer down another? Suddenly, I felt like Cinderella, still down on her knees scrubbing the floor.
She invited me into her office which was the perfect combination of functional modern.I asked the questions I needed answered and she showed me exactly what I was entitled to. I was impressed by her knowledge, her philosophy regarding divorce and her integrity. She was everything I wanted in a lawyer. Hell, she was everything I was looking for in a friend too. I had a girl-crush going on.
After everything was laid out on the table I knew that I would be financially okay should we divorce. We laughed and chatted a bit more when suddenly CCH leaned over her desk, looked me in the eye and said:
“I am very intuitive so when people come to see me I know exactly where they are at in this whole process. They are ready for a divorce. So I have got to ask you, why are you sitting in front of me contemplating a divorce? From everything you have told me about your husband and from what I have seen of you neither of you are acting like people who are ready to divorce. Neither of you have someone waiting in the wings and he doesn’t even have a lawyer. You didn’t come in here wanting me to cut off his balls and stuff them down his throat. I can tell you still like him and don’t want to hurt him. And frankly, you’ve got special needs children who still need you. Make no mistake about it, I would love to represent you but I just don’t see it. I don’t think either one of you are ready to take this step and I would urge you to wait. I would give yourselves time to make sure that this is what you really want to do because I’m not buying it.I just don’t think now is the time but if the time comes I will represent you.”
Needless to say I almost fell over. A divorce lawyer trying to talk me out of getting a divorce? It just didn’t make sense…or did it?
Frankly, I am not sure where this divorce thing is going right now but I have decided to take my lawyer’s advice, my therapist’s advice and the song that my heart is singing and slow things down a bit. I will not act on impulse nor will I act on emotion because that will only muddy up the waters. Instead, I am sitting quietly… observing…living with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as I wait for my soul to lead me down the path that I am suppose to travel. Somedays it feels like I am ready to take flight. Other days it feels like I need to sit for a while longer. The one thing I do know is that when that time comes that a decision needs to be made; I will recognize that the truth has finally sought me out and that I will act with complete faith that the decision I am making is the correct one so that regrets will not color the rest of my life. For I am taking the time and doing the work I need to do I so I can make a decision that makes sense now and in the future.
Amen-“so be it” May I sit with dignity & grace holding my hand.
Right Speech, Better Communication
Throughout my life I have been a person who is expressive. A person who uses lots of words and used them well. Too well it seems. I used words to let everyone know exactly what was on my mind at all times. I let words leave my mouth like flying monkeys swooping up people without thinking about the true meaning of my words. I didn’t care how I said IT just as long as IT was said.
Recently, it has occurred to me that my words were hurting others and as a result they were hurting me too. I realized that I was not connecting my heart to my tongue and had no idea how to do so. Even though I knew I wanted to change how I communicated I had idea of how to go about it. But then I chanced upon the Daily OM and the course How to Communicate Like a Buddhist :
Kane’s way of approaching communication is different from anything I had ever seen. She states that the real purpose of communication is to help ourselves and others suffer less. And when communication is looked at through this lens it tosses convention aside and it makes it crystal clear that if we wish to change our relationships then the words we use, the intention behind them, and the way that we speak through them must be radically changed into talk that is kinder, more honest and most importantly… helpful… to those receiving our words.
The thing I love about this course is that you pay for it based on what you think it is worth to you. Kane’s talks are detailed, thoughtful and in short…amazing. In addition, there is nightly homework to help firm up the ideas you are learning and put them into practice.
So here’s to better communication everyone! May your words be true, kind and helpful and may your well-chosen words spur you on to better and more rewarding relationships!
Emergence
I feel as if I am emerging from the womb
Of a creature as of yet, undefined
Struggling to birth myself
In this newness that surrounds me
Trying to figure out
Who I am
What I am
What I will become
As I rise up alongside the Phoenix that will
Protect me and keep me safe
Along this lonesome path that I must journey
What form I will take?
I do not know
But throughout this ordeal
I hope to maintain my DIGNITY & GRACE
Being kind and loving to all who are affected
By decisions that they did not ask for
For if I cannot act as the person I envision myself to be
There is no point
In trying to convince myself
That I deserve to be… ME
Whole and not dissected by others opinions
Snared in the net of roles
Deemed acceptable for a woman
I want to live fully
Genuinely
Inspiring a sense of power and truth
In my words and actions
I want my inner brilliance to shine
Outward from a radiate personality
Incorporating that light within the way I live my life
And how I express myself to others
Upholding the values that I cling to
I do not want to live a life
Of Mediocrity
In which I feel
My essence is not worth showing
For I am a living breathing creature
Full of magic, joy and adventure
I am waiting to be born
Into the me I was meant to be
So long ago
Sitting With The Pain
Since I started seeing my therapist she has been urging me to just sit with things and honestly I thought I had been. But these past two weeks have been a real revelation to me as I finally understand what “sitting with things” really entails.
The first thing is that I am just sitting and observing my feelings in a detached sort of way. Not depressed, not numb, but just watching as if my feelings were a movie. Watching the shadows, the lighting, the words that come out of the actors mouths and the body language that accompanies these things. And I have to say that it is one of the most freeing things I have ever done for myself. No explosive reactions just observation and the time needed to think things through without a time line.
Another thing that has happened as a result of my sitting with things is that I have no need to determine the outcome or push for what I think the outcome ought to be. I realize that I have wasted so much of my energy over the years trying to bend things to my will. I have always tried throughout my entire life to produce the desired outcome I envisioned at all costs. The result of letting this go: more energy, more happiness, less anxiety and frustration.
Sitting with things as I am doing it now is delightful. I feel no pressure to make immediate decisions. I feel that reflecting at my own pace instead of reacting instantaneously is allowing me to have a deeper experience that is bringing greater understanding as to how we have gotten where we are. And even if we separate it is bringing a much needed peace to my heart in knowing that I am better off for this entire experience and can bring a whole person to the table when this is over; instead of just a shadow of my former self, as a result of taking time for deep self-reflection.
So although I will confess that ending a 30+ year relationship is not what I thought would be on my radar just a few short years ago, I find I am growing in ways I have not in a very long time. Important ways which my soul desperately needed and of which I was unaware. I have no idea what is ahead but I suspect there will be many tears which will water the flowers in my soul’s garden and bring forth the life hidden in seeds I am planting for the future. I know not whether we will walk this path together or if I will be journeying all alone but either way I now know that I am stronger than I was when this all began and that is a gift that I will always treasure.
P.S. My first biggest fear my entire life has been heights. I hate them. My second biggest fear has been divorce. But on Friday, February 17, I have decided to take on my biggest fear and jump out of an airplane. I have two notions about this:
- I figure if I can take on my biggest fear than anything my second biggest fear throws at me I will be able to handle.
- If the chute fails to open I just avoided a potentially messy divorce.
- Either way I win
- If she can do it so can I
Re-Cycle
Today you leave on a “business” trip
To give us space and time
And next week I’ll do the same
While our children
With all their special needs
Watch the slow
Splintering of our lives
Not seeing the whole picture yet
But getting a glimpse of what is to come
Next week I will walk the cliffs
Gather my thoughts
And sit in silence as waves of emotions
Threaten like a gale force wind
To toss me off the path
Down to the jagged rocks below
Wanting to make the decision that must be made
And hiding from it like a field mouse
Scampering everywhere just to avoid
Going THERE
Decisions that are far-reaching
Into children’s minds not yet formed
Which when released
Might set off an explosion
One from which this family may never recover.
I’m a freedom fighter
Setting a charge on a dark and gloomy bridge
As the flame slithers along towards it final detonation
But as you look up you see… it is your own loved one
Making their way slowly down the cobblestones
Their last seconds burned into your mind
As you try to squash the flame that you intentionally set
Not knowing at the time
Who the victims would really be
I know what is coming
More heartbreak, despair, second-guessing,
More anger, blaming and worry
Until at last
My soul will be left hollowed away
Into something completely unrecognizable to me
Something vast, flattened, and empty
Something I can abandon or recycle into something new
A vessel that only I can begin to fill again
And it’s my choice what to fill it with….
I think I’ll start with wine.
Ch-ch-ch Changes
We are in a restaurant discussing the fate of our marriage. The cards are on the table and the chips fall as they may. We spend the next hour talking about finances, what our lives would look like sans one another, and what this rupture would do to our innocent children.
He says: ” If we were to stay together there would be a lot of changes and I am not sure you would like them.”
“What changes might those be?” I ask.
“Well, I’ve never told you this before but I am pro-life like they house I was raised in. I might want ours to be a pro-life household too. I would want our children to be raised this way.”
Whiplash has slapped me hard because I have shaken my head so violently trying to make this man come into focus again. You mean after 30 years of togetherness you felt like you couldn’t say something about this? WTH.
“And I want to be treated like the man of the house.”
Somewhere I hear the words obey mentioned.
I stare at this man I’ve saved and who has saved me numerous times over the past 30 years. He looks the same on the outside but obviously there is a lot changing on the inside. I’m not sure I like it. Actually, as a feminist I know I dislike it…a lot.
“What does this mean to you? Man of the house?” I ask… while I am thinking to myself…so you are finding your voice and now you want to roar. Roar out all the misunderstandings. Roar out all your “unheard” convictions. Roar out life as you imagine it should be while you figure out who you want to be. You want to be heard after feeling unheard all of your life. A hurt that started with your mother and one that you feel continued on with me.
My eyes stare back, unblinking, both locked into a battle of silent conviction.
“At the end of the day I want to know that my word is the final word.”
And in the end the only thing I can say is nothing. Because talking to this man before me is like talking to a stranger who speaks a different language, has different values, and wants different things than I do. Things I never knew about. Things I never guessed. They are not the things that delight me. They are sharp and they sting the inside of my heart and of my head.
So I look down at my feet and stare at my crooked big toe observing how it leans to the left, as does my philosophy, and the tears start to glide silently down my face as my awareness of how deep this situation dwells in a land of which I know not; and it seeps from the very center of my pores.
Gardy Loo Pismire 