Today you leave on a “business” trip
To give us space and time
And next week I’ll do the same
While our children
With all their special needs
Watch the slow
Splintering of our lives
Not seeing the whole picture yet
But getting a glimpse of what is to come
Next week I will walk the cliffs
Gather my thoughts
And sit in silence as waves of emotions
Threaten like a gale force wind
To toss me off the path
Down to the jagged rocks below
Wanting to make the decision that must be made
And hiding from it like a field mouse
Scampering everywhere just to avoid
Decisions that are far-reaching
Into children’s minds not yet formed
Which when released
Might set off an explosion
One from which this family may never recover.
I’m a freedom fighter
Setting a charge on a dark and gloomy bridge
As the flame slithers along towards it final detonation
But as you look up you see… it is your own loved one
Making their way slowly down the cobblestones
Their last seconds burned into your mind
As you try to squash the flame that you intentionally set
Not knowing at the time
Who the victims would really be
I know what is coming
More heartbreak, despair, second-guessing,
More anger, blaming and worry
Until at last
My soul will be left hollowed away
Into something completely unrecognizable to me
Something vast, flattened, and empty
Something I can abandon or recycle into something new
A vessel that only I can begin to fill again
And it’s my choice what to fill it with….
I think I’ll start with wine.
5 thoughts on “Re-Cycle”
This is so beautiful and sad. Im sorry. But I have so much hope for you. And Im sorry to say- I think your husband is lying. There’s more. Vacation… Business trip… I am untrusting of everything but hes throwing shade. Spend your week photocopying every financial document you can find.
No I can say it is a business trip that he arranged (a trade show) so we could have some time apart. I leave next week for a week alone. We are trying it out.
Terribly off balance when only one is expected to change. I fear you’re being played (hope I’m wrong) and you need to protect yourself. What has he changed about himself in order to be a better person in your eyes? Two way street if he REALLY wants it to work. Kudos to you for working so hard to save your family, but don’t forget that you are also important. So sorry for your pain.
Thank you and yes I am also important, I agree. Still trying to figure out what is important to me at this time. It is changing daily as I sit with all that is going on.
Your ending is perfect.
I somehow still think you guys are going to be okay.