Today you leave on a “business” trip

To give us space and time

And next week I’ll do the same

While our children

With all their special needs

Watch the slow

Splintering of our lives

Not seeing the whole picture yet

But getting a glimpse of what is to come


Next week I will walk the cliffs

Gather my thoughts

And sit in silence as waves of emotions

Threaten like a gale force wind

To toss me off the path

Down to the jagged rocks below


Wanting to make the decision that must be made

And hiding from it like a field mouse

Scampering everywhere just to avoid


Decisions that are far-reaching

Into children’s minds not yet formed

Which when released

Might set off an explosion

One from which this family may never recover.

I’m a freedom fighter

Setting a charge on a dark and gloomy bridge

As the flame slithers along towards it final detonation

But as you look up you see… it is your own loved one

Making their way slowly down the cobblestones

Their last seconds burned into your mind

As you try to squash the flame that you intentionally set

Not knowing at the time

Who the victims would really be

I know what is coming

More heartbreak, despair, second-guessing,

More anger, blaming and worry

Until at last

My soul will be left hollowed away

Into something completely unrecognizable to me

Something vast, flattened, and empty

Something I can abandon or recycle into something new

A vessel that only I can begin to fill again

And it’s my choice what to fill it with….

I think I’ll start with wine.



5 thoughts on “Re-Cycle

  1. This is so beautiful and sad. Im sorry. But I have so much hope for you. And Im sorry to say- I think your husband is lying. There’s more. Vacation… Business trip… I am untrusting of everything but hes throwing shade. Spend your week photocopying every financial document you can find.


    • No I can say it is a business trip that he arranged (a trade show) so we could have some time apart. I leave next week for a week alone. We are trying it out.


  2. Terribly off balance when only one is expected to change. I fear you’re being played (hope I’m wrong) and you need to protect yourself. What has he changed about himself in order to be a better person in your eyes? Two way street if he REALLY wants it to work. Kudos to you for working so hard to save your family, but don’t forget that you are also important. So sorry for your pain.


    • Thank you and yes I am also important, I agree. Still trying to figure out what is important to me at this time. It is changing daily as I sit with all that is going on.


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