Relationship WIth Yourself

Scared Shitless…But Doing It Anyway!

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

Three weeks ago I was in Thailand with my boyfriend, who, on the second day of our trip, decided to end things with me. There was no fight. No argument. No nothing. Just a surprise conversation while lying in bed together. Talk about a sure fire way to lose your libido!

If I am honest with myself, I knew the relationship wasn’t quite right (mostly for him) I am optimistic and he is a pessimist. He is a neat freak whereas I am not so anal. I embrace life and love fiercely whereas he says he isn’t sure what love really is. But I knew the end was coming when he said I reminded him of his mother..he disliked her. And, well, the big thing…he has never found me attractive…yes, he had the gall to say it (more than once) and as we all know there was nothing I could do about that except lose my confidence and start feeling somewhat insecure. But still I persisted. Why? We laugh a lot, had great ___, are compatible and were economically similar. And he taught me things, important things like fly fishing, he values our friendship and a truly nice man who tries to look out for my best interests even when I am sometimes unable to determine what they are. Sometimes as you age the things that were once high on your priority list suddenly slip a little while other once inconceivable things now take their place. Luckily, we are good friends and enjoy each other’s company so we still had a good time but seriously walking on the beach NOT hand-in-hand was not exactly how I envisioned a beach trip to Thailand and Laos.

Anyway, the day before leaving the country, I put my house up for sale…kind of on a whim but then again not. It sold in one day. I worked hard on this house. New wood flooring, painted the inside and outside myself, new roof, faucets, fixtures and tile in the bathroom, a beautiful garden with 7 ft high fence to keep the elk out, along with numerous other projects all completed in two years. I love this house, that I painted red which was located then two miles from the ocean. And I sold it and a whole lot of what I owned. Why? Right now….this second…. in this moment of complete panic… I am not sure why. But deep in my heart I know I did the right thing and these are the reasons I believe I did:

Fist off, I think the housing market is going to crash and wanted to get out while the getting was good. I didn’t want my house to be worth less than I paid for it. Secondly, I live on almost an acre and one-half and with the traveling I have been doing it isn’t practical with all the mowing and upkeep on the garden. Furthermore, I do not like the direction that this country is headed at the moment. And finally, I always wanted to try to live in another country for a bit. Everything combined created the perfect storm and I went for it. Now, as I pack boxes and unload many of my earthly possessions I am questioning myself.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Perhaps it is early onset dementia?

“Yes, maybe. I couldn’t remember the word for fork the other day”

“Everyone says start writing notes to yourself.”

“You tried that and lost the notebook”

“What kind of 64 year old woman sells everything and sets off an a big adventure that most 18 yo’s without gut issues, hearing aids, and often severe gas don’t even consider?”

And so it goes. The never-ending songs inside my head.

So here is the plan. I hope to housesit around the world. I will be homeless May 15th, a week later will attend my youngest daughter’s graduation from college, fly to my other daughter’s house in Tennessee, visit my Dad in Michigan then by the middle of June arrive at my best friends house in Las Vegas. Then, June 20th, I will leave for Queretaro, Mexico to housesit for two months. It’s a beautiful historic town and I think I am going to enjoy stepping back in history a bit. From there…who knows. But Ecuador seems to be calling my name.

I hope you will join me on this crazy journey that I am taking and know if I can do this you can do something scary and a bit difficult too. And if you want to know about where I was five years ago with a cheating husband and my six kids, well then, just read this blog!

10 Minute Poem Challenge – Love Wishes

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

It’s been five years

Stop looking for love they say

Love yourself first 

Find out who you are

But I have known who I am

For a very long time

And my heart has always belonged

Onto itself

While I slowly gave

Pieces of it to those 

Who did not appreciate

That it nourished them as well

I have given my love abundantly

Freely

Joyfully 

Without calculation

Because I believe

That is the way you do it

Without waiting

For “the other” to love you first

For connections are born in the sweetest of moments

And the quiet steady times

With no checklists 

No preconceived notions

Of every trait/attribute 

That someone must possess 

And without regards to whether 

They are matched completely

Which then allows for appreciation

And healthy attachment to that someone

You’ve admired but now adore

Wanting to honor them

By seeing the best in their character

And doing your utmost to show them respect

While minimizing their flaws

And I have to believe 

That as these feelings blossom

You can discover

That your belief in the preciousness 

Of what you have  

Keeps your person close

Because they want to be

Not because they have kept a tally sheet 

But because they appreciate 

That they are needed and desired 

Trusting  that it will be reciprocated

When an occasion of need arrives

I want to find that kind of love

Because Life is finite

I don’t want to become cynical

Giving up on men

Who don’t know who they are

And what they want

I don’t want to let go of:

Love

Touch 

All types of intimacy

Friendship

Shared laughter

Private just“for the two of us” jokes

And waking to that oh-so-right kind of touch

From the person

Who takes your breath away

And whose actions

Show you that love can be created

With a single touch

During one precious moment

In time

All of those components of love

That are revered on each page

Of my Book of Life

Are an essential

Part of the sweet nectar of life

And if present they result in

Satisfaction

Hope

Passion

Grace

Things I just don’t care

To live without

Yet, I am becoming afraid

That with all this heartbreak

And the deceit I have experienced

It will eventually lead

To irrational fear 

Disbelief

Distrust

Impatience

And reluctance 

So that love will become 

Elusive and improbable

Like the fairies of childhood

That floated with you

In the deep of night

For someone who has seen

What I have seen

Done what I have done

And fucked up those things

I should have paid more attention to

I worry that if I give up on love now

I will lose those things 

I was meant to know about myself

And others and life lessons that are derived

Through the eyes

The breath

And the love and respect

Of a person

I don’t NEED

But whose love I want to experience

In ways I can’t even conceive of, YET

THE ONE who provides a glimpse of all 

I have yet to discover about myself

My place in the world

And how to dwell comfortably 

In the heart of “my other”

And while I recognize 

That I am mostly lovable

Just the way I am

I fear that I will be denied

The opportunity to become the

Best version of myself 

Because I will be missing the perspective

And the gifts that we are taught

Through the patient love of another

Which are derived from just a subtle

Glance

Smile 

Honest conversation

A few tears

And quiet frustration

I want to give up 

My old habits of love

The kind I’ve dwelled in previously

Because I have discovered

That what I had was not

Gentle enough

Aware enough

Appreciative enough

Honest enough 

Yet, the kind of love

Offered by the person that now 

Stares me in the face

And challenges me

In regards to my notion of what’s important

Helps me to understand

That change is inevitable 

And it needs to be embraced and welcomed

In order to fulfill my destiny

And because my notion of love has changed

Through the gifts 

That truly seeing and appreciating

All the little things that “my other”

Brings to the table 

I finally recognize

That I am truly receiving

Those things which I never really

Knew that I craved and needed

And you only find

When you love yourself first

— 

A Loving Response To My Husband’s Affair

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

maya-angelou-quote1

A dear friend of mine read Running On Empty and took the time to write to me. They were loving words, get “off your ass” words and “let’s get with it” words. I appreciated each and everyone so much so that I decided to share it with you.

…. its understandable to feel these emotions and its too early to rejoice in the future.  This future offers promise, independence and peace.  You’ve had half a decade of discontent, mistrust, suspicion, self doubt and a self image that was devastated by uncertainty and malicious evaluation from someone who saw fault in you but not in themselves.  How much more do you have to torment yourself?  When do you say, its enough.  You’re a strong enough person to realize what has happened here.
B, unfortunately, was snared by someone calculating enough to realize that she found a money pit.  Someone who with the briefest of encounters was willing to support her financially, adopt her family and support them as well and to surrender his very existence to follow a myth that she provided.
I hate to say it, but to my way of thinking, B is a temporary inconvenience for her.  She’ll live well here, if, she is, as you say, on his list to bring over, but she’d be a queen in her own country and a family matriarch if she were to go back to Vietnam a wealthy single female.  B is financially worth a lot to her but I would think as benefactor of his will and insurance coverage, even more.  I honestly believe she’s set him up as a gullible westerner who is going to be sugar daddy to her family and friends.  The age difference allows an early exit leaving her beneficiary of his fortune,  My guess is that he’ll be taking care of her family almost immediately.
All of this is conjecture, you don’t know for certain but regardless….he has his life to live….good or bad.  But be more than a bystander with yours.  Your offerings are more than just what B provided you.  Dig down and rediscover yourself.  Be Lynn.  There was another person before B, you know. Find her again.  It may not be easy but there is someone there, just look.  You’ve been a genealogist and expert on others lives… how about reading about your ancestors and realize someday one of your heirs will be looking into their history and stumble upon your name.  Show them something. Show them something good. Show them what you are made of and what they inherited from you. Make them proud but mostly make yourself proud and become who you were meant to be.
1896365905-Let-go-of-relationships-that-prevent-you-from-growing_