Recently a blogger I follow asked if publishing a blog about the state of his marriage without his wife knowing was cheating. I replied:

I think that it is perfectly okay to do something for ourselves and if blogging makes you feel better and you enjoy it, then by all means do it. That said, you probably are cheating on your wife IF you are investing more energy on your blog then in fixing your relationship. Or IF you are developing secret “relationships” that might interfere with getting closer to your wife because you are expending a sort of intimate energy on an “on-line” person. If however, you feel you are learning better ways of relating to your wife and family by the comments you are receiving then more power to you. We all have ways of gaining knowledge and if this improves your outlook, happiness, etc. then you are only improving what you will take home to your honey.

And I stand by my response because it doesn’t involve sexual acts or emotional intimacy with another person besides his wife. But what about cheating on a broader level? At what point is the line crossed between “behaving badly” and cheating?

An old boyfriend of mine used to say, “Getting head isn’t cheating” and that is precisely why he became an OLD boyfriend of mine.

But if getting head isn’t cheating, what is?

Well, in my book, sexual cheating occurs not because of any specific sexual act but when a partner keeps secrets of a sexual nature from their partner. Viewing porn, having a fling, having an “intense” emotional relationship, or visiting a strip bar is fine and dandy as long as your partner knows about it and has no problem with that particular behavior or set of behaviors. This means both partners must act with integrity and make their significant others feelings their number one priority. There can be no lying, no keeping secrets from one another and no saying “yes” when what you really want to do is say no. This is because the only true path to genuine intimacy in a relationship is when total transparency and honesty prevails. For it isn’t the sex act itself that causes a marriage to implode, rather it is the secrets and lies that betray relational trust that is what eventually kills the bond between the cheater and his/her mate.

So “cheat” away…but only if you tell your spouse first and they agree to the fling. Otherwise, get a divorce and then go live out your wildest fantasies where the only thing that can be hurt is your wallet and your own pride.