So it had been 32 days of no yelling. Not one single loud voice, one yelp or one shiver me timbers shout. Not one shrill sentence, not one whoop, nor one holler. My lips have remained soft and my mind has remained focused on being the best new me I can be. I have gone where I have never gone before. Until this morning when I went to the well and drank the Kool-Aid.
I was getting the kids off to school. Paul is still in the hospital but Andre and Gracie were at home when Andre The Master Manipulator started “poking” at me looking for every hidden button that would possibly set me off. Everything I said was met with a total ignore or a “NO.” Sometimes autism just sucks.We were 2 minutes from heading out the door when I realized Andre had purposely neglected to do something that needed to be done. And that’s when I lost it.
“I told you to _______” And as I said the last word I realized I was yelling. It scared the crap out of me because I didn’t even comprehend that the decibel level of my voice had risen to the sound of a fighter jet during a fly-by until the 5th word. At that point I caught myself and abruptly stopped, then whispered quietly to the universe and my kids, “Oh darn, I just yelled for the first time in over 30 days. I am so disappointed in myself.” I had just received my 30 day chip only to have it fall out of my hand.
And so, like an AA member who has slipped, I start the process over. More meditation tapes, more quiet time, more bubble baths, more positive thinking and more contemplating what it means to try to incorporate this “new” me into the old. I worry about what this one act will do to my relationship with my husband whose tolerance for failure, while usually decent, is still tenuous towards me at this point. I am glad he is away as I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in his eyes.
Yet, as I hang my head in shame, I realize that this “no yelling” business is a process that calls for diligence and patience with myself.. I am trying… trying harder than I have tried to do anything in my life and it is not a time for self-lashing. For tomorrow is another day…DAY 1.2 (the improved version) OF NO YELLING!
3 thoughts on “32 Days And I Drank The Kool-Aid…332 Days To Fix This”
I read this the day you posted it and have been thinking about it ever since. First of all, change is never linear. You wouldn’t expect perfection from anyone you love, so remember to give yourself the same grace. Also, I think this change is one you need to be focused on making for *yourself*. Sure. He brought it up, but don’t do it for him. Do it because you want a kinder more peaceful life. (My thoughts that you didn’t ask for…)
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Thank you Amy. My therapist today said I didn’t need to start my count over…in fact I didn’t need to count!
I agree with Amy and your therapist! Don’t do this for him. And don’t start counting. And not yelling completely is an ideal, not reality, anyway. I don’t want to see you beating yourself up. Ever. You are too important exactly the way you are.