I have lived these past 12 months with so many conflicting emotions. I have changed. I have bent. I have been driven down on my knees so many times that sometimes it feels like they are calloused and worn. Yet, through all of this I have had to believe that this work was important for me and for my marriage. And it has been for me…not so sure about the marriage.
Yesterday, B and I were talking and I said something to the effect that it must be hard living with someone who you wanted to love but just didn’t feel the kind of love you wanted to. I got no reply. That hurt. Just like the chandelier…still not hung… and numerous other things I try not to dwell on. But the fact is, it is hard to keep trying when it feels like nothing you do makes a difference. And sometimes it feels like I am getting closer to the point where I am not sure I can keep trying.
I am a good woman. I am a great wife. I am a good mother. I am determined. I am stalwart. I am fun and I am sexy and I can tell a great story. I am not a drunk nor a big spender. All together I am a pretty good package… NOT perfect but desirable and loving and the real deal. And here is the thing…I want someone in my life who appreciates this. I want someone in my life who knows that he is a lucky man because I am in his life. Frankly, I deserve to be loved fully and completely and I am just not sure that I can settle for someone who loves me out of obligation or “because of the children.”
Sometimes, there comes a point in time where you begin to recognized the futility of the situation. You realize that you cannot make someone love you especially if they don’t want to see the goodness in you no matter what you do or how you change. I am a woman who loves deeply and passionately and I want to receive this back. I want to be loved for who I am just the way that I am. I want to be loved because I am me.
In a few weeks we arrive at the end of the ONE YEAR TO FIX THIS. It will be 365 days since this saga began and we are still not healed, not head over heals in love, not repaired. Sure things in our relationship have improved.A lot. I like him more and I think he likes me more. We spend more time together. Our communication has improved but still isn’t where it needs to be. The sex still remains combustible. And one thing has remained the same throughout… I do love him deeply and I still think he is a sexy man after 30 years.
I wish I could say that I understood where this was going. I wish I could say that B loves me the way both he and I would like. But he doesn’t and I am no longer sure if that is alright with me because now my heart and soul believes that I deserve better…because I do. Yes, I want that fairytale ending even though I know at my age that you may be riding on the back of a mule to a castle that is a money pit. I want to know that my true love is true and forever. I don’t think that is too much to ask.
Gardy Loo Pismire 
I’m sorry. This is terrible. I feel like you are being gas lighted. Why are you the only one who has to change? How exactly is he doing anything to make you want him?
I just… Gawd. My stupid husband is the idiot running around with hookers. I’m a fool. This guys game is much more covert but I feel like you’re still getting played.
LikeLike
Well I don’t feel I am being played but I do wonder why we are not yet where I thought we would be. Maybe it takes time to stop and examine 30 years of marriage…I am not sure. But I do appreciate your comments! Thanks!
LikeLike
Has it really been a year? Wow.. But I agree somedays I’m like I need to blow this Popsicle stand
LikeLike
I love the I just need to blow this Popsicle stand comment. It brought back memories and made me laugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know, you are a lovely woman. I have followed your blog and read your stories and I think you are sincere, funny and wonderful.
You deserve to be loved. I know it is harder as we get older to imagine that there is a new love out there for us but damn it you should not stay with someone who does not have his heart completely prioritised on you.
Before I found out my husband was cheating I really felt my relationship with him was so similar to the one you have with B. It was almost as though I could feel he just was not there, not meeting me halfway, he was 60% elsewhere. I accepted it because I just thought that life was like that after being with someone for thirty years. I talked to friends and sisters and they all felt the same. It was a common theme.
After finding out about the infidelity and of course I was so angry and I was so ready to walk and separate and divorce and detach that it threw my husband into a panic. When he finally sat down and thought about life with out me and the close family unit I have with the kids and he looked at his alternative life. A life with a woman who would be with married men ….well, I guess he just started to fight hard to save our relationship.
I let him just to see how how much it all meant to him, to see just how hard he would fight. I now feel he is 100% committed in passion, kindness, love, attention, truth, honesty, healing and reconciliation. I can grasp and understand that difference.
I guess what I am really trying to say here is that to me it does not sound like B is 100% involved in trying to make this marriage work. He has made a choice and that is where he stands. You on the other hand seem like you are in 100%. It just will not work if both of you are not completely committed.
Maybe a trial separation where you stop trying to make it work and instead turn all your efforts into your kids and yourself will bring him to realising just what he is about to lose.
You deserve to be with someone who will love and cherish you and be devoted to you and you will know it because you will feel safe and loved.
Just my opinion.
Xxxx
LikeLiked by 2 people
you do know i am rooting for you.
and i have this feeling, a very good one, that you have a very bloody good relationship.
and that you question and you go places where most do not dare.
and that you will be, and are, loved and cherished.
and he is very lucky to have you.
xx
LikeLiked by 1 person