When did I …STOP…

Seeing myself as a StRoNg

And CoNfIDeNt Woman?

Was it when…

I didn’t finish my Master’s Degree?


Was it when I stopped working

To take care of a family…

The loneliest Job in the world?


Was it when those unexplained absences


On those silent nights

When you were gone?

Didn’t help

Or perhaps I never really was

StRoNg and CoNfIdEnT

Those powers lost when I

Was But a ChiLD

Struggling to UNDerStand

A World I Couldn’t

Possibly know

A world made for adults

At which I played dress-up

Taking tea laced with whiskey

Trying to act cool

And impress people

I shouldn’t have bothered with

Did they BeAt me down?

Or did I do it to myself?

I would guess the latter

Yet, I would also suspect

This is a more recent


That has arrived

Tangled in those few gray hairs

I pluck at

To remove from sight

That age I should be celebrating

Instead of fighting

Like an epic battle


Between GoOd and EviL

Lost in a dark forest


In which most of the trees were

Felled long ago

But where shadows remain

With a poster tacked to

The BriTtLe bark of a downed tree which reads:

Lost…StRoNg & CoNfiDeNt Middle Aged Woman

With Blue eyes

A big heart

And dark circles under her eyes

If Found

Please return her to…


 I miss her




10 thoughts on “Self-Deception

  1. I stopped being confident when I became scared.
    I became scared when I became responsible for other people.

    This is something I think about a lot. How do I regain my confidence/fearlessness while maintaining my responsibility? (For me this is mostly about taking career risks and financial stability, but it bleeds into other areas, too. )


  2. Lovely. This is beautiful. I think it’s a spectrum. Or a combo. You do not have to be strong and confident all the time. I think that is the myth. And certain things will tear bits and pieces away… So maybe you now are missing more of it. But you seem to have a basis of “MmmmmHmmm.” In you. And you can build it back up. I dunno.


  3. I loved reading this. Self-Deception! How we are made to see ourselves different as over the years we are failing the changing expectations and desperately craving and fighting for the ungiven love.

    “When did I …STOP…

    Seeing myself as a StRoNg

    And CoNfIDeNt Woman?”


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