Saying YES To The Ring

I have been pondering for the past couple of days how to write this post. I have started it, deleted it and started it again many times. For at this point, what I am about to write is embarrassing, very confusing, and probably tiring to all who read my blog.  Frankly, I know that if this on-and-off again relationship was happening to a friend or my daughters I would say, “Get the fuck out! You deserve a man who wants all of you all of the time!”

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Yet, sometimes life is not that cut-and-dried no matter how hard we try to make it so. Over thirty years of marriage is a long time together. It is doubly hard when you have two boys with autism and who do not do well with change. Add to that three children who have already lost their original families and splitting up becomes fraught with minefields that just are not present in most families.

Now to tell you this particular story I have to take you back to October. It was then that B asked me what I wanted for Christmas. At that time I flippantly told him a commitment ring but frankly I thought that the possibility of receiving one was nil. Winning the lottery had better odds. And anyway, who doesn’t like a ring, right, so what was the harm in asking?

Fast forward to Christmas night. As we were winding down from the days festivities I told B I thought we should tell the kids tomorrow that we were separating. Tears came to B’s eyes and all of a sudden he called the kids down to do THE board. You see, every year on Christmas day and July 4th, we measure our kids to see how much they have grown (seems we will need a longer board for Andre next July.) Then, just as the kids were about to go upstairs B told them to wait and proceeded to say. “Hey, guys, there is one more present here and it is for your mom.”

With that, he walked over to his briefcase and pulled out a jewelry box and in it sat a woven silver and gold ring. Nothing elaborate (that is not who I am) and nothing too expensive (not me either). As I looked at the ring in shock he said something to me and the kids along the order of:

“The silver in this ring represents our Silver Anniversary (25th) while the gold represents striving toward our Gold Anniversary (50th). In this ring there are little breaks and holes that represent life and how during our lives we have to navigate through them, around them, and out of them; to get back on the path we have chosen. So I am giving your Mom this ring to show her that I am committed  and will continue to try working together to reach our Golden Anniversary.”

My first thought: Maybe he really does love me…and tears

My second thought: I am not sure I want this. Maybe it really is time to be out on my own.

My third thought: Why did he say this in front of the kids?

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Luckily, the next day was Tuesday, the day I see my therapist. She said:

“I’m confused.”

That made two of us.

So we talked about the conflicting feelings this brought up. About how for the last week every time we talked about leaving and splitting up our family we both cried. How our guts were both twisted in knots and how discussing dividing children, assets and animals was devastating. And that in this heartache we had gotten closer at least for the past few weeks but that it should be viewed as temporary.

In the end, I decided to accept the ring…for now. Instead of deluding myself into thinking this ring is a piece of jewelry that signifies B’s commitment to me for life; I have decided to view it as a day-to-day pledge until I decide otherwise.

Last night we went to our joint therapist and I asked for clarification regarding the ring, the commitment and why he said what he did in front of the kids.I will say that I received some very well thought through answers to my questions and that we both acknowledged that we have a long way to go to save this marriage if it is even possible.

At this point I have no real answers about life or the status of my marriage. What I do know is that every day we manage to make it is one more day our children have had a chance to grow older and more mature. It is one more day that we have successfully re-committed to working hard and to trying our best to listen to what is in the others heart and act accordingly. And it is one more day that we have attempted to let love win, move towards acceptance of both ourselves and the other, and its one more time that we have had the chance to try to find peace in a relationship that once had little.

Sometimes life is hard.

Sometimes life is isn’t.

And maybe, just maybe, given a little more time, the hard times will decrease and the good times will grow more frequent and blossom. And maybe someday I will realize good times and bad are just part of life and that is just the way it is and I won’t take it personally. And maybe, just maybe when the good times are abundant I will be able to rejoice in them knowing that I have done everything humanly possible to make them happen….with or without him.

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “Saying YES To The Ring

  1. You and your husband should know that when a research team asked group of married people if they were unhappy they said they were. When they visited these people five years later they were happy. All marriages go through all sorts of things throughout our lives. They just do. What we do is hang on and usually things sort themselves out. Good luck to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I am aware of it. I think my husband is too but isn’t sure he can ever be happy with me like he once was. I believe that he just needs to work really hard on his own issues and quit worrying about mine! Thanks for your comment!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re blogging YOUR story for YOU and never, never, never feel a need to apologize for or feel odd about anything.

    Having said that, I’m shocked at your husband’s action. I had three thoughts, too.

    My first thought, forgive me, was that it was a power play. Now, if a separation is mentioned the children think it’s your idea? My second thought is that you have flexed your independence and it scares the shit out of him. He is not able to control everything on his terms. My third thought is that he means what he said.

    Months ago you mentioned just letting things be and not forcing timeframes. By living in the present moment you are doing that. You aren’t forcing anything but you aren’t accepting only crumbs from him either. I’m proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s a gorgeous ring..
    Also like blooming said no apologies necessary. Before betrayal I would be all WTF??
    After I get it.. I sooo get it ❤️❤️❤️
    Hugs into whatever you choose for your marriage

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  4. Might want to accept the ring as just a pretty piece of jewelry and not give it a job. B has issues only he can fix. Ain’t a pretty picture sweet lady, but a true one. Give your heart a rest, you deserve it. This is his battle to fight. Never ever hesitate to write about your feelings, it’s your life and your story to tell…… Maybe he just didn’t like the colors you picked for the playhouse and was scared to leave you alone with a paint brush. PS..I loved them.

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  5. I hope your H can and will continue to work on himself, because he needs it. This all started because he was unhappy with you, you worked on yourself, and look how far you’ve come! 😀 I’m glad that you’re holding this commitment at arms length for now. He has flipped back and forth several times, but who knows, maybe he sees what he will lose if he doesn’t keep trying. Best wishes either way.
    ☀️

    Like

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