How Long Did You Ask Questions After Your Spouse’s Affair


Today I was painting my woodwork when a thought about B and his mistress came into my head. The question was this: Why was he insisting that I get a job and said it would be “easier for me” (meaning him) if I did? I wondered, was it because he was supporting her and he needed the money or because he was planning to divorce me and if I had a job it would be better for him in court?

So I asked and although he answered the question he made it very apparent that he was not happy that once again I brought her up. Further talking revealed that he feels I talk about it several times a week. Sometimes he is right. As an example he said that earlier this week I brought her up when we pulled up into our driveway. And I had…there was a woman who looked like her standing on the street by our house and it just freaked me out and I said something about it.

So my question to you, dear reader, is how long did it take you to stop asking questions regarding your spouses affair. How long did it take for you not to think about it? A week, a month, a year? So far I am 14 weeks into knowing and sometimes as I am busy doing something (like painting, mopping the floor, etc.) something about the affair just hits me and so I ask the question that has come up in my mind. While I think this is part of the PISD, I would like to know that there is an end in sight at some point. After all, this  three- year affair of his has been exhausting and I would like to be over it…I am sure he would like that too but frankly it is my discomfort I am worried about…not his! Yet, I wonder with all these questions how do I ever grant grace and leave it alone so I leave behind the chaos? Any suggestions?

7 thoughts on “How Long Did You Ask Questions After Your Spouse’s Affair

  1. 34 months and I still think about it, and I still talk about it with him. It no longer invades every waking minute of my day like it did early on. It’s also more “lighthearted” now, for lack of a better term – like today H asked if it was ok if he hung a picture from New Orleans up that had been taken down during the some of the craziest and worst of part my trauma, and it got us talking about whether the picture was from the time he went to New Orleans and “didn’t invite me”, or not. He claims it wasn’t, but didn’t push back on the subject. No tears, no argument, it’s just a reminder that it is now part of our history.

    I don’t tell always him every time when the women come to mind. I see them in my minds eye, acknowledge that they are miserable diseased hoes 😝 that can’t get a man of their own, and move on.

    The important part, and the reason I’m still here, is that H is willing to answer questions or talk. No denials, no pushing things under the rug. This is really only over the past nine months or so, and that’s when Therapist told us we were going to be ok on our own. It has taken what felt like a long time. I know what I need to know. The two of you aren’t there yet. Hopefully one day you will be. 🙏


    • Thank you so much. Your answer helped more than you will ever know. I am so glad that you and H are doing so well. It makes me hopeful that if you can do it I might be able to also!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah I agree I’m at 48 and some change months and I still talk about her. I still talk about him the husband I lost the weird nostalgia to a man that never existed.
    Charles seems to take it in stride. Sometimes he gets offended and we have to visit certain topics later.
    I don’t stay because of him I stay because of me and my kids. If something happened to all of them I would probably leave him.
    However I’ve grown a great deal being married to an adulterer sooo there’s that. I think the questions need to be answered at the moment. I agree with sunshine that it’s more light hearted.
    Sometimes it isn’t but for the most part
    And sometimes the grief and triggers happen at the weirdest times.
    As for Charles and I our marriage is one of commitment not happiness for me.
    I’m just now starting to even like being around him and enjoy his company.
    I love my kids
    I love them more than myself and this marriage created them so therefore I stay.
    Charles makes life really nice for me which is so nice and gives me the time I need to heal it seems
    That I Much appreciate 😊😊❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please note: these folks are talking months. You’re talking 14 weeks of ‘knowing’ and at least two years of EPIC gaslighting, where he was making you dance hard for the role of wife when you didn’t even know there was a competition. How long does it take for someone to be in-brainwashed? To forgive an abuser? Boo boo he has a sad because you’ve known for three months and stuff still makes your hurt come to the surface? No. The answer is ‘honey, I’m sorry and I damaged you and I understand that that will take long time to heal’ none of this bull shit where you just have to get over it. He told you he was going to leave ‘because you yelled’ fuck him and his poor little feelings. What about you and your feelings which have not mattered a spec to him this whole damn time? When he was busy planning a new life with her and running off to leave you with all the work and supporting yourself and the kids and the wreckage? Deciding it was because you were not good enough? When you were busy changing the outlets and working with your autistic boys and trying not to yell and being a sexy vivacious lovely woman, he spent his time and your shared monies on the fucking tour guide.

    That’s dumb. He’s an idiot if he thinks 3 months is enough. He should beg you everyday for another.

    Liked by 3 people

    • So true! At 14 weeks, I only knew a small percentage of the whole story. Six months after DDay #1, he was STILL lying to me AND to Therapist, until he finally let it all out.

      It truly does take years to get to a better place. Having patience with ourselves is hard work. But it will happen – we do heal.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ” He feels I talk about it several times a week”. That’s it? He has an affair for three years ,
    makes you walk a tight rope the entire time and he’s upset that you have questions????? With all due respect to you, your husband is a POS……..The very second that he comes you and says that this mess is all his making and you can ask him any question, anytime and he will give you an answer, is the very second you can start the healing process.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Oh geesh yes with all the others!! But I still get mad at Charles because if you are willing to stay good grief it has taken years for Charles to still not be a douchebag!
    The fighting for that has not been worth it for him but for me yes!! Because I will stand up for myself quicker since his dumb adulterer ass walked in my life and even before.
    Charles said the stupidest things to me in the first year and he still says stupid things to me but they are fewer and far between and the way I catch him is gentler
    Instead of “oh no bitch you didn’t!!”
    Charles pulled this crap with me early on and I sooo wanted to stab him or poison him..
    both wrong things to do or think
    But he was just so darn stupid!!
    I remember when everything was out in the open
    I asked it doesn’t gross you out to touch another woman and he’s all like no
    Ahh rage I married such a fool
    I won’t back down I wouldn’t then and I won’t now
    I’m not just going to accept his delusions or ideas because I don’t care
    He wanted to sleep around and treat me like crap before and during affair
    After affair ball is in my court
    You don’t like the questions
    There’s the door
    You can’t be respectful to me
    There’s the door
    I will no longer make excuses for Charles or care about how he feels questioned about his/our life or affair
    Because once married everything he does affects me!
    It was my life too he fucked around on!
    I get to know whatever I dam well please
    However there are times Charles may say maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now maybe after some rest and a snack probably some water
    And then I will take care of me and then come back to the problems that’s is 48 months in
    But shoot 14 weeks in had it only been that Short for you ? I would have had an all out rage fest!!
    Just move on
    Ugh cheaters how convenient
    So much about them and how they feel 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

    Liked by 3 people

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