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Getting Back To Life

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would write everyday and have pretty much stuck to that come hell or high water. I made this commitment out of a primal need to express myself after B had talked about a “maybe” divorce. This was/is my safe place to vent those things weighing heavily on my mind. It was/is a place I could use to say the words I needed to say but not always to B because they were too painful and raw. Blogging was my escape from life in the sense I could look at my life as if I was an outsider and consider it as such. I thank everyone who has read what I have written and given me a nudge, a kind word, or pointed things out that I needed to consider. So many people have helped me on this journey.

Recently however, I have decided I must get back in the game of my life. In my “real” life I write magazine articles and since the “maybe divorce” I put those assignments on hold. I also stopped working on the three novels and a child’s picture book that are all in various forms of disarray. While the blog has been helpful in that it helped ensure that I didn’t check out all together, it has also taken up time that I probably need to use to complete what I started and finish SOMETHING… ANYTHING. So while I will continue writing, maybe still on a almost daily basis, I have decided to allow myself a little flexibility. We shall see what happens!

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Of course, now that I have written this I will probably blog more than ever…go figure!

 

 

IEP Services From The School District

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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For years we have been fighting our local school district to get our son what he needs in order to learn. Comprehension is sometimes difficult and math often impossible. We have watched him struggle to learn things that others grasp without effort while the school district ignored our concerns. Yet, if he is taught using particular methods he is often able to do the work that is required. Unfortunately, we do not yet know some of the methods that he would benefit most from.

We first realized he was having difficulty with math in first grade. We brought it to the attention of the IEP team. Our concerns were dismissed. In second grade, “It just takes some kids longer.” In third grade, “So he won’t be at the top of his class in math. (Yeah, duh!)” We then paid for him to go to an after school program at the cost of over $400 per month to learn his multiplication tables which the district could not manage to teach him. In fourth grade, he really started slipping but it was “Well, we can’t do anything now because he isn’t failing.” The rage I felt was immense. We were trying to be proactive but the district wouldn’t take our son’s lack of being able to understand and apply concepts seriously. By fifth grade they couldn’t quite ignore it anymore but their solutions and IEP goals were meaningless. He is now in 8th grade and doing math at a 4th/5th grade level. SIGH. I can also say the pathway has been similar for reading and comprehension but not as difficult or severe. In retrospect, the things we would do differently are numerous including taking the school district to Due Process. But the end result is that we have refused to sign his IEP for more than two years and continue to work with an outdated one.This, of course, is beginning to make the district nervous for what it means for them should we instigate legal action.

One of the things we have been fighting for is a GOOD educational/cognitive/psychosocial assessment of our son as we have disagreed with the district’s findings. We feel this is the best way to discover the issues that are effecting his learning and how he needs to be taught to reach his full potential. We have had a well-known and respected doctor in mind to do this assessment who specializes in kids with multiple “things” going on and have been fighting for the district to get him seen by him. Thus far the school district has refused citing their policy (which is illegal, BTW) that IEE’s must be performed within 60 miles of our home. If you understood where we are located you would also know that these types of services are not available here.

It has been a long, hard road with often disappointing results and constant stonewalling from our school district. But after all this time we were just notified that they have agreed to this testing and with it comes a very belated victory for our child which has cost him dearly due to these very purposeful tactics and delays.

Unfortunately, no family should have to go through this. Yes, we have at times hired a lawyer to push our case but the cost is immense and we see very little action for the money spent. School districts often stonewall because most parents cannot afford legal services, they don’t understand the law and districts know that most parents get weary of fighting “the machine” and give up. It’s hard not too. When you are already struggling at home because of the way your children’s disabilities impact your home life taking on a huge school district seems impossible and the educational system counts on that. Yet, by not doing right by our children it puts a future drain on our economy because these kids get discouraged by their lack of understanding/comprehension/accomplishment and drop out of school. They then face a life-time of unemployment or underemployment and the use of social services that could have most likely been avoided had they had some measure of success in school. Prison and gang activity is also a direct measure of the failure of the educational system.

I wish I could say it has been easy but I can’t. In fact, fighting this battle against the local school district has contributed to our ‘almost divorce.’ But I do urge all parents out there to continue to fight for their children’s place in the educational system. I have to believe that eventually we will make a difference.

 

 

Oxytocin TherapyFor People With Autism

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Several years ago we asked our doctor about using oxytocin a/k/a the “LOVE Hormone” with our sons. At that time the doc said he wasn’t convinced regarding it’s effectiveness and wanted to see more studies. Well, start writing on the prescription pad, Doc, because the results are in.

According to a recent study released by the University of Sydney using one squirt of oxytocin in each nostril twice a day changes how children with autism approach the world and their relationships in it. Both parents and clinicians reported that children with autism were more socially responsive after beginning oxytocin therapy. Increased memory, eye gaze and emotion recognition were just a few of the benefits reported.

In case you haven’t noticed I am all in and the next time we visit our doc I am going to ask to give it a try. It couldn’t hurt and it may do a lot to change how our interactions occur.

 

One of the things I love about blogging

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

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One of the things about blogging that I love is seeing all the people from different countries visit my site and I, in turn, visit theirs. It makes me happy to think that often we are all capable of understanding the emotions that the other person may be feeling even though we may live very different lives and that our shared humanity allows us to connect because we have “been there” before or faced something similar.

I have been fortunate to have traveled all over the globe. To date I have visited over 40 countries. That is because we travel cheap, go where the deals take us and we go in the off season. We also exchange houses when we travel.

The safest I ever felt at night was in Stockholm, Sweden. The happiest I have ever been was in Korea. The place I felt in awe was in the thermal baths in the ocean off the island of Kos. The place I felt the most connected to was Scotland and the place I wished I could stay longer was Ethiopia.

The number of people who have opened their homes and lives to us has been humbling. We have been invited into homes after a meeting during a meal in a restaurant and the next thing we know is we are on our way to something unexpected, special and always memorable. And what I really have learned from all this travel is that people just want to feel understood, appreciated and believe that they have been heard no matter where they live. And really 99% of the world wants the same things: peace, love, understanding, full bellies, reasonable heath care, clean water and hope for the future.

I like to think that all of us bloggers contribute in some small way to world peace and understanding. One can only hope!

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The Shooting At The Regional Center Touches Too Close To Home

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

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As I listen to the news about yet another mass shooting I wonder where did we go wrong? As individuals, as a society, as a nation and as citizens of the world? So much hate. So much misunderstanding. Too much religious influence. Too much disregard for others and ourselves. Too much interference in other nations foreign policy with its resulting unintended consequences.

My sons are served by the local Regional Center (RC) where we live. The RC serves individuals with autism, cerebral palsy, seizure disorders and mental retardation. They have allocated ABA services to my boys for several years and help with planning for their future. The people who work there are kind, loving and passionate people who work within the system to get their clients what they need so that they can live meaningful lives and reach their full potential. They are social workers, humanitarians and people trying to make a difference in this world. These are the kind of individuals who work at the RC…underpaid, overworked and empathetic in recognizing that disabled persons are often beat down by a society that ridicules those who are different. Most of all they try to give their clients and their families hope for their themselves and their loved ones with uncertain futures.

In the many years we have been served by the RC many of these case workers have become my friends as we spend time together trying to navigate a system in which the disabled have an unequal playing field where unemployment is rampant and the disabled are not seen nor heard. These RC workers often become of the voices for those who have little resources to take their concerns to the forefront of the political system.

Yesterday, I first became aware that something was not right with the RC when I received a phone call in the early afternoon. I picked up the phone to hear, “This is an emergency phone call. This is an emergency phone call. The Regional Centers will be open tomorrow.” Odd, I thought. Later I turned on the news and witnessed the carnage. I was horrified moreso than ever before, meaning ALL the unending shootings that have become a way of life for a country that in of itself is not suppose to be in a war zone.

So why did this particular act of violence have such an impact on me? Because I knew of these people. No, not the people who were murdered but I do know their co-workers in a different center and I shudder to think if it had been this RC instead. How, I wondered, would I explain this to my children had it happened here? How would I make them feel like the world was a safe place after walking through RC doors for so many years? How will the clients served by the Inland RC ever feel safe again in a world that already feels unsafe by many people who are autistic? How do you explain to a child that some people just view others as pawns in a game that is played with unwilling participants? How do you teach children to trust in a world in which just anyone can randomly shoot you in a restaurant, at work, on the soccer field, or at a concert; especially a child with autism who has already been bullied one time too often in his short life? How do you make them feel safe again?

The true answer is that you can’t because the shooters have taken away something that cannot be replaced with platitudes and pundit ideology…trust and the feeling of being safe. Yet, my kids have also learned that when bad happens that the response in the face of tragedy is the opposite. So while they saw sadness on the tv screen they also saw hugs, embraces, tears and people standing together to face adversity. But most of all they saw the love that fellow human beings can show one another and that defeats everything the terrorists stand for every single time.

 

 

 

Who Is The Turkey?

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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The gallant bird on Thanksgiving Day

Used to turn and strut and away

But then it was shot and left most bare

Naked in my kitchen lair

I put the turkey in to roast

As guests begin to drink and boast

Talk about me fills the air

As my in-laws berate me without a care

Their words like knives slicing away

Plunged deep inside this holiday

Soon I’m like that bird in there

Stuffed, pinched and plucked with nary a stare

And soon I begin to contemplate

Who is really for dinner this holiday feast?

And it appears the bird has suffered the least.

 

 

 

Relatives Unknown

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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As a genealogist I find it interesting how we are a snippet of this and a snippet of that from so many of our past relatives. Having taken my DNA and put it on a database (let’s not go there about possible medical consequences…its a blind base) I am constantly finding new people who are in some way related to me. Today another distant cousin narrowed our shared ancestor down to a shared 7th G Grandfather who served in the Revolutionary War. And we each have a small part of him on chromosome 20.

My ancient DNA also surprises me…Siberia for example. And several other well-known ancients.

Recently, I put my children’s DNA into the data base. Because they are adopted they wanted to see if they could locate family and we have. While we will never know how they are related to the matches in the database we do now know of 4th cousins and such even though we will not know what side they come from. For those people who are adopted DNA genealogy is finally a way for them to connect with those who up to know would have been lost to them.

One of my adopted children who was born in Korea found out that he is also 2% Native American and 1% Polynesian. Where does this come from we wonder?  We can only assume it is ancient DNA carried by ancient people as they crossed over now extinct land bridges.

This holiday weekend was spent with my cousin. She brought another big box of family treasures with  her and I am once again scanning all these pictures unto Ancestry.com. A huge find was a tin-type picture of my GG Alexander McMullen. For me it is an amazing find as I had never seen a picture of him before and at this point our tree ends with him.That is him pictured above. He is said to be Scotch-Irish but where the Scotch comes in it seems like I will never know.

That is the beauty of genealogy. It’s a puzzle. And with the addition of one piece it can change the way the entire puzzle is viewed. It mirrors our lives both in looks and in how we perceive things and it is changing every day. That is why I love looking to the past because it influences the future of not only myself but my family as well.

 

Dear Jennifer P

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

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Dear Jennifer P:

I met you in the K-Mart today. Briefly…as you struggled with your son who was throwing what you thought was the MOTHER OF ALL TANTRUMS. It wasn’t. It only felt like it was but I immediately recognized what you were dealing with. Autism.

I remember those days. Two autistic boys in a cart pushing them through the store praying that we could make it out alive. Alive…meaning, no one had thrown themselves on the floor. No one had swooped their hands along the aisle knocking boxes off the shelves as we walked. Alive… meaning no one had yelled, screamed, and kicked me or anyone else who happened to have the misfortune of walking within 10 feet of us. Two autistic boys were were often like two atomic bombs waiting to go off undoubtedly when we were in public and most often in a crowded store.

Of course, I didn’t realize back then this would often happen because their sensory systems were out of whack when we entered the unfamiliar. That their fright/flight mode went into overdrive  outside of our house. That the florescent lights pushed them into a form of hyperactivity on steroids. That all the strange sounds and people moving about was just too much for them to take in. But even if I had understood all that…we…our family… still needed to live life. To shop. To get our tires changed. To visit the dentist. We still had lives to lead despite the challenges that autism inserted into our lives on a daily basis.

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I remember the looks, Jennifer P. Those harsh judgements. The feelings of helplessness and being so alone. The exasperated facial expressions.  The “why don’t you get your kids under control” comments. I remember those oh-so-helpful strangers telling me how I could improve my parenting skills in the grocery store, in the bank, and at the doctors office. At one point it seemed like no matter where we went someone had something “helpful” to say. But more than not those “helpful” comments were really just plain intrusive and mean. People trying to feel superior about themselves. And at those times I wanted to shout out “I know what I am doing. I did raise two kids to adulthood and they are wonderful and successful human beings. So please don’t judge me nor my parenting!”

 

So when I saw you today with tears streaming down your face as you tried to quiet your son, my heart ached for you. My soul wept as your tears fell and you pled with your son to please calm down. As I walked by I told you with a smile plastered across my face, “You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work,” but I knew you didn’t believe me because I have been there and if someone would have told me that then, in those meltdown moments, I wouldn’t have believed them either.

So, Jennifer P, I want you to know that I know you are doing your best. I want you to know that I know that you work harder with your kids in one day than parents with neuro-typical kids do in a month. I want you to know that it won’t last forever and your boys will mature and those social skills will kick in one at a time. It will take a while but trust me they will get it. And beleive it or not someday you WILL seek their company when you visit the market.

Out in the parking lot I cried. I cried for me and all the times I didn’t handle my children as beautifully as you did today. I cried for every mother out there who has a challenging child whether he has autism or not. I cried for all those parents who are trying so dang hard in such difficult situations. And I cried for you and when I saw you leave the store with nothing in your basket my heart sank. You sacrificed your needs for the people in the store and for your son. That is why I drove over to you. That is why I wanted you to know that I saw how hard you were working with your son and that this was not a fail on your part but a win because you instilled something in your son that he needed at that moment in time. Sure it will take him a 100 more times to understand but eventually he will and when he does you can pat yourself on the back for being a great mom. Heck, you can pat yourself on the back right now for being that mom who never gives up and for being that tireless fighter who will continue to give your son what he needs to be the great person he will eventually become.  Don’t give up. And don’t give in to those who want to judge.

You were amazing, you will continue to be amazing and I will continue to support you and other mother’s like you from the sidelines. I only hope that others will grant you the grace and do the same especially as the holiday season arrives.

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YELLING AT MY TOMBSTONE

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

As you know when I started this blog it was because my husband came to me and stated he might want a divorce. One of his main issues with me and my relationship with my family is that I was YELLING…a lot.

If the truth be told I had just gotten into a habit of relating to my family members that way. It was a bad habit and a habit that was destructive to everyone’s psyches in this family. So I vowed to change.

I am pleased to say that being mindful, meditating, doing personal self care and personal work on my own inner being has helped me tremendously. Since the end of July I have yelled just 5 times and out of those times  twice I caught and stopped myself after only a few words. It has not been easy. Yet, the rewards are huge. Not only do I feel better about myself and my life, I see a softness in my family that was not there before. Paul is less depressed….can I say that not yelling has helped him. Absolutely. There is a much calmer atmostphere here and the kids no longer feel like they are walking on eggshells around me.

I regret that I didn’t take this path a long time ago. The damage my yelling has caused (no, I never did the “you are stupid” calling names type of yelling but the “why do I have to tell you a 100 times to pick up your shoes” kind) is immense. And for that I am sorry. For I don’t want to have an epitaph that reads “SHE WAS THE WORLD’S GREATEST YELLER” written across my tombstone. What I want is “SHE WAS A HAPPY PERSON” engraved on it equipped with a built-in motion detector laser so when anyone walks by, the song DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY automatically plays. And I think I am finally on my way to living up to those things I do want memorialized about myself when I pass on.

P.S. Yesterday I saw this on Facebook and thought it was just perfect. So the explanation says whenever my mother was asked for her special Christmas cookie recipe she would say “Over My Dead Body”

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More Non-Filtered Thoughts

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Wrinkles

Paul:Mom why do you waste your time ironing my clothes?

Me: (Yes, why do I… by the time you get dressed it already looks like a truck ran over it) Because I am a mom that cares about her kids

Paul: Why don’t you just iron my clothes when they are on me?

Me: Because putting a hot iron on a child is called child abuse and I don’t want to hurt you.

Paul: So wouldn’t it be cheaper to iron all the wrinkles out of your face than to get that shot? It would take longer to get all the wrinkles but you would save a lot of money.

Sharing

The things your kids share with you in the car.

Andre: I think it would be awesome to be able to read someone’s mind.

Me: Why is that?

Andre: Because you could do all sorts of wonderful things for them like buy them the puppy they have always wanted.

Me: Andre, you are the one who wants a puppy

Andre: I’m just saying…you know there would be one time when it wouldn’t be so good to know what someone is thinking.

Me: When would that be?

Andre: When they are sitting on the toilet going to the bathroom. I mean the things that go through your mind when you are on the toilet…well they are just not things you want others to know

Me: Is that why you spend 30 minutes at a time in the bathroom?

Andre: Might be

Marbles

At Trader Joe’s this evening, just Andre and I. So he is pushing the cart and kind of flapping around as some people with autism sometimes do. After several times of me telling him to calm it down, I grabbed the cart and started flapping my arms like a damn chicken and making clucking noises..VERY, VERY LOUDLY…I must say everyone was looking at me. YEAH FOR ME!

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Andre got embarrassed at which point I said to him, “So why is it you can do things and you think it isn’t embarrassing and then I flap and cluck like a chicken and you are embarrassed?” He replied, “I don’t know mom but if you promise not to peck at the floor I promise not to tell Dad you lost your marbles.”