Change is scary

Trying To Find Our New Roles In Life

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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Throughout our lives we have roles we take on. Some have been forced upon us and some we take on willingly. Many of these roles we discard as time goes by, some we reinvent in a slightly different form, while some we seem to keep until the day we die. Somehow the latter seem to be the ones that we like the least and yet we retain them the longest.

This weekend was difficult for us. I think that when you are over 50 and going through a “maybe divorce” that one of the biggest issues is the discarding of roles and the discovery of new slots out of which you are now going to behave. After operating from one set of expectations for thirty years it is difficult to recognize and accept new patterns of doing things and unfamiliar ways of thinking. Years of acting one way are difficult to channel into something else and difficult for “the other” to accept.

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I know that in your 50’s it is suppose to be a time of gains. Money, richer relationships, second homes, etc. For me, it feels like a time of discarding stuff including those parts of myself I no longer need or wish to operate from. As I take out this “stuff” I am forced to really look at it and contemplate whether it is of value to me anymore. As a result, I am feeling lighter and freer than I ever have before. But that doesn’t mean it is easy especially for the other person involved. Honesty, in the form of being true to myself, has moved to the forefront of my life which at times hurts B. And while I dislike seeing B feeling uncomfortable and knowing that I have caused his discomfort; at this point in my life I am not sure that I care anymore as long as I know that the truth of who I am…who he is…will make things better in the long run. But what exactly is BETTER? What does that mean?

I guess I won’t know the definition of BETTER until we reach the end of whatever all this is. And I’m okay with that because either way whatever changes I have made I suspect will have led me to a more authentic me.

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And this relationship? It will either be or it won’t but in the end I will be all that I have envisioned and right now that is what feels important.

Cameras on Stop Lights

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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The other day I noticed that a recently installed stop light had a camera nestled on top of the cross beam. This got me concerned so I decided to pay more attention to my surroundings. As I drove around town, I was amazed at the number of mounted “spy cameras” I noticed throughout the city. When did this happen I wondered? When did I, as a citizen of this city and as a citizen of the United States, give up my right to travel freely throughout my city without “Big Brother” watching me. I didn’t vote to allow this. I didn’t sign some sort of waiver. I didn’t agree to a bond measure that would pay for these mounted cameras…so how did this happen? When did it happen?  And more importantly, how are these shots being used by my police department?

Today it is cameras on lights. What will it be tomorrow? Who controls this information that is obtained and what do they do with it? How long is it stored?

I am sad. I am disturbed and disillusioned. And I wonder who forgot to ask us if this type of intrusion on our personal lives is okay. No one asked me but if they had I would say NO it is not okay to monitor me, my friends and my loved ones. This is the United States of America. Home of the free…at least it is suppose to be.

 

The Passionate Journey

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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Feeling your body under mine

As we ride to far away places

In that custom saddle we created so long ago

I am reminded that the first part of our odyssey

Made me feel warm, safe, and secure

Believing that passion and love would serve us well

For many years to come

Yet, as the journey continued through our ages

To different and strange unexplored lands

I found that as we rode together we

Struggled to stay insync to the pounding rhythm of life and each other

In this saddle we created and shined to perfection together

Oh so many years ago

Then slowly our bodies began to move to different beats

The spark no longer igniting when flesh richcheted against flesh

Our timing aberrant from what had come before

Akwardly and in silence we rode through valleys so deep and low

They threatened to pull us under

As we wrapped ourselves each in our own protective gear

Bracing ourselves and sitting deep in the saddle spooning

No longer astride one another

During this long exhausting ride

The passion for this particular pilgrimage waning

The heat that once kept us warm

Cooling to small embers and threatening

To extinguish themselves all together

As the light faded and disappeared behind the mountains before us

No longer straddling one atop the another on this migration

But one of us down… crawling on the ground

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By some silent force of nature

That was unwilling to give up or give in

But yet we pressed on

Scraping raw our knees

Scooping out our souls

Our sexual natures vanished somewhere within Mother Nature herself

We traveled wearily like this for so long

Lost, together… yet alone

Until in desperation we finally reached out for the reins to steady and guide us

The accidental brushing together of two souls

Once again serving to remind us of all we have endured

And all we have yet to discover

So now we join hands to do battle

Against all that has kept us apart from one another

And we fight Mother Nature to reclaim our sexuality

The passion igniting our bodies and sweeping us together

And once again we quiver deep within one another

Grinding deep within that saddle

As we climb to the pinnacle of our lives

Looking over the ridge to the future that awaits us

Hanging on for dear life together once again

Our devotion rekindled each for the other

In that saddle that was custom made the two of us

In which we fit together so well

No longer afraid

But curious about where we will end up

On this sojourn through married life

The Process Of I LOVE YOU

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Okay, I know that at times, I go places where no married person should venture. I question, I imagine, and I play our various scenarios in my mind that really have no business being there. I am working very hard on replacing negative thoughts with super positive meditations and “canceling” the negative thoughts immediately when they enter that place my brain is suppose to be. So last night took me by surprise.

It was late. B and I were cuddling when he said, “I Love You.” He said it with love in his voice and tenderness in his heart. And I froze like a deer in the headlights. My body went cold and I felt suddenly ill.  And before I knew it I was saying these words: “How do I know that? I mean you said that to me when you were thinking you wanted a divorce. So you were saying it without really feeling it and so how do I know that when you say it now you really mean it?”

Yeah, I know. A real moment killer.

Because here is the thing. I thought he loved me. And he says he always has and always will love me even though there are times he doesn’t like me much. And I get that. And even though he is communicating his feelings more and letting me inside his head a little, I still experience fear that what he is saying isn’t what he means. And given that he is a man that honors his promises and he promised to give our marriage a year, I worry that on day 366 he will walk in saying “I kept my promise but this isn’t what a really want.”

So how do I learn to trust B and our relationship again? Time? Probably. But I think it is more than that. Somehow I have come to believe that this can be accomplished by trying to surrender my desire to control what I cannot control and I have to stop worrying about things I have no control over. Easier said than done. Yet, I am cognizant that  all this controlling/worrying is only serving to steal my energy and it leaves me feeling depleted. It also keeps me feeling lonely and isolated, none of which is helpful nor what I want. So, instead of trying to change what I don’t really have in the first place, I am trying to shift my focus (didn’t work too well last night) to those things I can control because I would rather spend my energy trying to seek joy in my life than trying to force all this negative out. I can choose to work from the positive or the negative. I CHOOSE POSITIVE…at least this minute…give me a break … it’s a process.

Shine Like The Sun…286 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

Today I want to shine like the sun

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My shadow lightly parting the clouds

Providing guidance and love to those who are experiencing darkness

Today I want to hang on the moon

Dipping dangerously towards a gravity-free way of life

My spirit untethered and with no restrictions

Today I want to dance without shame

To move and groove unencumbered by others expectations

Turning off my mind and letting my body move to its own rhythm

Today I want to say “FUCK YOU”

To anyone who tries to put me in my place

And tells me I can’t be happy, smart and beautiful in my own way

Today I want to ride the rapids of life

Challenging myself to steer my own boat

Away from the gullies and those that may try to pull me under

Today I want to lie naked in the sand

My body coming alive under the sweet whisper of the wind and spray of the sea

Remaining in the moment, unaware of those watching and who may disapprove

Today I want to be everything I am meant to be

A 100% true original

I want to dwell in the depths of my soul

I want to embrace my spirit

And be cognizant of all that I am and can be

Today I want to be ME.

A Seven…342 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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So last night when we were taking our nightly walk I made the mistake of asking B how was I doing on the changes he had asked that I make. I figured I was at a 9.5 at the least. After all I have:

  • Not yelled in like 25 days
  • My house is practically ready for a photo shoot in House Beautiful minus the sink where a pile of dishes is stacked because B needs to put in a new garbage disposal.
  • We had explosive sex 5 times this week (confession, it was only explosive 4 out of 5 times but hey I’m 55 so I count that as a blessing) Unfortunately, it appears that “Bat Ears” radar picked up on the fact that we were “going at it” which may explain why he is walking around the house repeating the number “69” over and over again. Sigh. How will I explain this one to his teacher?
  • I am smiling and dancing like a Pharrell Williams Happy extra when my heart is really breaking.
  • I’ve lost ten pounds

Yes, I have worked myself into a brand new me and frankly I have been pretty impressed with her. For in the midst of heartbreak I am also feeling strong and optimistic about who I can be as middle age creeps up on me (at least a couple of hours a day anyway)

So after all this change and angst which I am working so hard at I was devastated when B replied, “Well, I would say a 7.” And that is when I realized we really may not stay together because, frankly, I am doing the best I can do. The best I will ever be able to do. I can do no more and I wouldn’t want to even if I could. And if that is worth only a 7 in B’s book then we are doomed. Because I am working so hard at making others happy that I am losing myself even further in the process. And losing myself is not something I am willing to do anymore. Not even for B, or my kids, or my church community. Because I know that in losing myself it only makes my relationships stay in a state of limbo and that in the end the relationship will never make up for what I have given up in order to keep things going. All I am doing is creating an illusion and building a house out of sand that will be swept away during the first big storm. And as luck would have it, this year is suppose to be a hell of an El Nino.

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My List

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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So in writing our lists of what we would like to change about ourselves I realize that I have a lot of work to do. Serious work. Hard work. Uncomfortable work. But I feel ready for the journey that all this work will send me on because my life should be an expression of the gifts I have already received. And it is not. So here goes:

  1. I NEED to find new ways to express my anger or shut it off. New ways that are not hurtful to others but still make me feel like I am being heard as I think a lot of my yelling stems from feeling that I am not being heard or respected. I need to break this destructive habit because it is hurting everyone I love AND it is hurting me because when I lash out, I then feel bad, and then I beat myself up and it is a vicious cycle. I AM HURTING THE PEOPLE I LOVE, I AM INFLUENCING HOW THEY WILL ACT TO OTHERS IN THE FUTURE, AS IT GOES WITH NOT CORRECTION MY ANGER GETS WORSE. It affects my health, my sanity and my sense of self worth. Same with my kids. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of setting their Mom off because that is so wrong on so many levels. I want to teach by good example how to handle things in a calm and loving manner. Yelling breaks my kids and my husband’s sense of trust and comfort in me.
  2. I need to find a way to minimize the daily physical pain I am in.
  3. Some of the time I think when I get yelling it is because I am not hearing things correctly and it causes real problems. Maybe now is the time for hearing aids…but sometimes it is a relief not to hear things like Andre alarming in full stereo sound and I am afraid if I hear EVERYTHING it will increase my stress level. This seems like such a 50-50 thing.
  4. I am lonely. I need to make some friends, belong to a group, do something that is meaningful to me
  5. I am going to try yoga, go to meditation class and I have already signed up for a workout class. The fear for me is that I am afraid that all this movement will increase my pain so I have avoided it.
  6. I need to find a way to really ENJOY my kids again. Maybe more one-on- one time? It just seems like so often it is a battle to do game night, etc and it discourages me to keep trying. Special needs kids can suck the life out of you with their idiosyncracies, demands and high maintainence. It is hard to enjoy them when your normal is anything but.
  7. I need to learn to trust again.
  8. I need to feel like the things I am doing count and that they matter. How do I do this?
  9. I need to decrease feeling defensive when B criticizes me.
  10. I need to regain that sense of hope for myself and my children that I feel I have lost in the past 6 months.
  11. I need to have a sense of adventure and accomplishment in my life. That is why I love ____ because I am challenging myself and discovering new things.
  12. I need to stop living in fear about finishing writing my book and having it rejected so that I don’t even do it.
  13. Maybe I need to be a little less honest  or learn to say things so that they do not seem as harsh. I REALLY need to understand that I don’t have to say or do everything in the minute that it occurs and not let what other people are doing affect me don’t stress about other peoples things.
  14. I need to find out why I am not remembering things. Is it stress, hormones or dementia. It is truly scaring me
  15. I need to be able to put into practice what I believe if B does decide to leave our marriage or if I do. I need to remember that he is a very wonderful man and admirable man who has given me so much and that I am thankful for all he has done and that he does deserve happiness and if he cannot find that with me he needs to find it somewhere. I don’t want to hurt him or our kids by acting in less than an admirable way.
  16. Find my sense of humor in this bizarre life I am living,
  17. To not let my perceived feelings of not measuring up to what B wants/needs make me feel as if I have no worth
  18. Become more positive sounding. I think I am or used to be until very recently upbeat and positive but perhaps B does not see that. L does. N does but not sure B does. I don’t think he sees that for me solving things is very positive even if I voice negative in order to solve it.
  19. I need to find ways to work with Paul better. He and I are very much alike and both feel emotions intensely so we butt heads. How can I change this?
  20. Stop over analyzing things and just let my brain rest. I don’t have to figure out …what this will do to all our kids adult and little, where I am going to live, how will we do holidays, how will this effect Paul’s mental health, how I will support myself, how we will get the kids to school if I have a job, what college I may need to go to, how Gracie can continue to go to gymnastics if there were two households to support, what if I don’t like his new wife, if one of us moves, and what will need to be done… all in the first hour that B tells me he may want a divorce. I need to just try and live in the moment without projecting.
  21. I need to pay attention that I do not sabotage this relationship because I am scared by over analyzing, by not being able to enjoy the good moments because I am worried about the future and if I make a mistake it will all come tumbling down. I have run in the past when things got tough and even though every fiber in my being wants to run I will not do so.
  22. Accept how things are and be happy with how things are. Don’t constantly beat yourself up.