Mental Health

Trying To Escape Expectations A/K/A Finding Happiness Traveling Alone

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

I have been realizing that one of the issues I am facing while traveling alone is trying to be content while I am out and about discovering a new place solo. I wake up in the morning determined to take a bus here or there only to see my resolve melt when I face the logistics alone and then begin to question my life choices. It is a hard nut to crack the natural curiosity I feel vs the aloneness factor of traveling by myself.

All my life whenever I have traveled I have been with someone. A person with whom we could talk about what we had seen and done. A person with whom I can reminisce and look at pictures that were taken by and of us. I understand now that my expectations of having that person or those persons discovering places with me is impeding on my ability to be content just exploring a city by myself. Yes, I have been getting out on my own but without the joy that I feel when someone is with me. And I have to ask myself why?

I think the explanation is that deep in my gut feeling that travel is somehow incomplete or less satisfying without someone by your side. I know that is not reality. Plenty of people travel alone happily and that this made-up-in-my-head reality that does not have to be my truth. Yet, at this point it still is… and by holding on to this what should be outdated belief… I am only hurting myself. This feeling came to roost, yesterday when I felt that sense of disappointment. One of the things I love about this area is that throughout the city of Queretaro there are these beautifully painted vibrant pianos just sitting out in the streets for anyone to play. So I sat down and began to hit the keys as people gathered around to listen to me play my own music. They cheered when I was done. And I had no one there to film this little piece of my Queretaro history which led me to feel a sense of let down.

The Buddha taught that suffering often arises from unmet expectations, as they can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in life. By recognizing and letting go of these expectations, individuals can reduce their suffering and find greater peace. But how does one do that when they are finding themself to be a disappointing traveling partner? One that lacks the excitement and ability to stretch themselves that they naturally have when with others?

I think it has to do with looking for those smaller moments of joy like I felt yesterday watching a child chase a balloon in the park. There was no expectation of seeing a child running and laughing it was just a moment that I enjoyed as it happened. I was expecting nothing but instead found gratitude in that moment that made me chuckle and smile. Or perhaps it has to do with just being content performing for others without having a video to accompany my own memory of that event. After all, a little over one hundred years ago that was unheard of.

In contemplating this topic and all the emotions I feel around it; I have come to the realization that there is only one solution. Get out more by myself. Challenge my incorrect beliefs to that I can find more of those ah-ha moments to be grateful for or that I have to experience ah-ha moments at all. And I need to take more pictures of the things I am witnessing and experiencing on my own. Yes, my memories and photos may be of a different caliber but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t just as precious as the ones I would have with someone standing by my side. I am alone on this journey and I can accept it for what it is and find those little moments to save in my own mind or I can continue to feel as if something is missing when it’s not! I prefer the first.

P.S. Just in case I haven’t made myself clear…I do realize that I am very fortunate to be able to travel and to have my health in order to do so. I know how things can turn on a dime and I am grateful. This is a post of how I am feeling at the exact moment I wrote it. Will I feel that way tomorrow…who knows? But it is okay to feel a multitude of feelings (often conflicting ones) at the same time and this is my truth at 2 pm on Monday and that it is up to me to change any doubts or negative thoughts that I might have. It lays squarely on my own shoulders.

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

One of my favorite musical artists is, Fia, a Swedish singer/songwriter. One of the songs she has written is called I AM and goes like this:

No, I am not who you think I am 
I am so much more, I am one with source 
I am limitless, infinite, powerful 
Abundant, complete from the start, creator of all 
I am that I am 
Oh yes, I am that I am

That is how I am feeling right now as I sit in Las Vegas getting ready to leave to Mexico for two months on Thursday. I am excited and a little scared. Yet, it is not the trip that scares me. What worries me is my health as I begin this journey. For several months now, I have been waiting to get an appointment for a colonoscopy and have been unable to secure one as here in the USA as the doctors offices are scheduling three months out. Hopefully, I can obtain a colonoscopy in Mexico to determine if I have polyps or colon cancer which is my diagnosis based on a Cologuard test. Frankly, I hate being in limbo and medical limbo is the absolute worst because you live with an abundance of fear for something that may or may not be, which wastes time, energy, and promotes negative thinking. Yet, I also feel at this time free and limitless… open to all the possibilities that are floating around my life at this time; just waiting for the hand that guides us to pluck my fate from the universe and to deal with the hand I have been dealt whatever it may be. And that in one sense feels liberating because I don’t have to try to control the situation; I just have to accept what IS at this particular moment.

Since deciding to sell my home three months ago to take off and explore the world, I have felt a lot of scary feelings. Yet, I also find that I am coming more aligned with myself, my spirit and my true essence. I have discovered that I AM so much more than than YOU or ME or anyone else thought I was. I feel more powerful and I have come to believe more times than not, that I am indeed the sole creator of all that I am. And with that power to create myself I have a responsibility to craft my life in a way which matches those values/traits I believe are important. To make sure that my journey includes compassion, integrity, joy, seeing things in an optimistic light and to treat others the way that I want to be treated. Further, it requires that I love myself in ways that have been difficult in the past; acceptance being of primary importance. Acceptance or approval of oneself should be easy but for so many of us it is a skill that needs to be re-learned after we lost it somewhere around the age of three when we played hide and seek and 61 years later we find that the game hasn’t ended… and I am still looking for that part of me that was lost all those years ago.

So as I embark on this journey which I hope will allow me to find myself and restore that sense of confidence I had when I was twenty, I ask myself to remember to be kind to myself and grant myself grace as I search for the things I have misplaced but so desperately want to commune with once again; allowing for unification of those parts of me I have yet to accept and in finally doing so will make me whole once again.

PS to my grandkids: I hope you learn from your grandmother to be brave and take chances. Know that bad things like an unwanted divorce may happen in your life but you can go on and create a life that is beautiful and meaningful to you. And for god sakes, please, never refer to me boring!

Scared Shitless…But Doing It Anyway!

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

Three weeks ago I was in Thailand with my boyfriend, who, on the second day of our trip, decided to end things with me. There was no fight. No argument. No nothing. Just a surprise conversation while lying in bed together. Talk about a sure fire way to lose your libido!

If I am honest with myself, I knew the relationship wasn’t quite right (mostly for him) I am optimistic and he is a pessimist. He is a neat freak whereas I am not so anal. I embrace life and love fiercely whereas he says he isn’t sure what love really is. But I knew the end was coming when he said I reminded him of his mother..he disliked her. And, well, the big thing…he has never found me attractive…yes, he had the gall to say it (more than once) and as we all know there was nothing I could do about that except lose my confidence and start feeling somewhat insecure. But still I persisted. Why? We laugh a lot, had great ___, are compatible and were economically similar. And he taught me things, important things like fly fishing, he values our friendship and a truly nice man who tries to look out for my best interests even when I am sometimes unable to determine what they are. Sometimes as you age the things that were once high on your priority list suddenly slip a little while other once inconceivable things now take their place. Luckily, we are good friends and enjoy each other’s company so we still had a good time but seriously walking on the beach NOT hand-in-hand was not exactly how I envisioned a beach trip to Thailand and Laos.

Anyway, the day before leaving the country, I put my house up for sale…kind of on a whim but then again not. It sold in one day. I worked hard on this house. New wood flooring, painted the inside and outside myself, new roof, faucets, fixtures and tile in the bathroom, a beautiful garden with 7 ft high fence to keep the elk out, along with numerous other projects all completed in two years. I love this house, that I painted red which was located then two miles from the ocean. And I sold it and a whole lot of what I owned. Why? Right now….this second…. in this moment of complete panic… I am not sure why. But deep in my heart I know I did the right thing and these are the reasons I believe I did:

Fist off, I think the housing market is going to crash and wanted to get out while the getting was good. I didn’t want my house to be worth less than I paid for it. Secondly, I live on almost an acre and one-half and with the traveling I have been doing it isn’t practical with all the mowing and upkeep on the garden. Furthermore, I do not like the direction that this country is headed at the moment. And finally, I always wanted to try to live in another country for a bit. Everything combined created the perfect storm and I went for it. Now, as I pack boxes and unload many of my earthly possessions I am questioning myself.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Perhaps it is early onset dementia?

“Yes, maybe. I couldn’t remember the word for fork the other day”

“Everyone says start writing notes to yourself.”

“You tried that and lost the notebook”

“What kind of 64 year old woman sells everything and sets off an a big adventure that most 18 yo’s without gut issues, hearing aids, and often severe gas don’t even consider?”

And so it goes. The never-ending songs inside my head.

So here is the plan. I hope to housesit around the world. I will be homeless May 15th, a week later will attend my youngest daughter’s graduation from college, fly to my other daughter’s house in Tennessee, visit my Dad in Michigan then by the middle of June arrive at my best friends house in Las Vegas. Then, June 20th, I will leave for Queretaro, Mexico to housesit for two months. It’s a beautiful historic town and I think I am going to enjoy stepping back in history a bit. From there…who knows. But Ecuador seems to be calling my name.

I hope you will join me on this crazy journey that I am taking and know if I can do this you can do something scary and a bit difficult too. And if you want to know about where I was five years ago with a cheating husband and my six kids, well then, just read this blog!

Hello Again…

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

It’s Been A Few Years…And Many New Chapters

So after several years of anonymity (didn’t want anyone to know whose sad life I was writing about) and years of being away from blogging, I have decided to continue this blog again. For the longest time I have put it off because I was finding myself and trying to distance myself from all the heartache that my ex inflicted and still tries to even today. I didn’t know that I wanted to continue to write on a blog that was once so full of angst and pain when I am in such a different place than I was when I started writing this…what?…seven…maybe eight years ago. But then I decided… we grow. Life changes. And good stuff happens so it occurred to me that it might be helpful for those whose lives feel upended to realize that you will come out on the other side. Different but mostly in a way that improves your life and in ways that you didn’t even know that you needed.

 I am 63 years old now. Since my divorce my ex just took me to court again to reduce support which cost me $25,000 in legal fees. My take…try to avoid the lawyers if you can. As I write this he is in Italy living life to the fullest…but then again so am I. I am just much poorer than he is but I can honestly say that my life is much richer and unlike him… I know who I am and love who I have become. That said, because of my ex’s behavior I still find trusting men to be complex. However, I am learning that trust = consistency over time and when I view it in that manner I find that trust is easier to see and it comes out from those dark shadows. 

Since I stopped writing this blog I have had three love affairs; each lasting about a year and all teaching me lessons that I needed to learn. I don’t regret even one of them (okay, maybe one) and will always treasure this time spent in loving growth. That is not to say that these didn’t come with their own kind of heartache when they ended (the last one occurring just last week) but I can honestly say that I would do it all again for the love I received and experiences I grew from. For instance, from one of these men I learned how to fly fish. Had anyone told me that one day I would be casting while standing in the pouring rain for four hours I would have thought they were crazy. As it is, my kids are convinced that early onset dementia has kicked in but I love this new hobby. I have yet to catch a fish but I am not trying (no hook used) I just like being in nature and trying to get my body to do what I want it to do. I have also tied a few flies of my own.

Two years ago I moved to the coast of Oregon where I live on 1 1/2 acres in a house that I just painted red which is a color that I have always loved. I planted a garden and made a patio within it surrounded by a 7 1/2 foot fence that is suppose to keep my 30+ herd of elk out. I have a mountain lion that comes by at night about twice a year along with a bear that likes to raid my trashcan. I can pick wild mushrooms just by stepping outside my door and I try to walk along the ocean which is one mile from my house once a day. I have created my own little world that I am very happy and comfortable in. While not huge, my house is big enough for me and the things I hold dear. Everything in it reflects where I have been and who I am now. It is very hippie-bohemian just like me. And I am finding peace and actively creating it for myself.

I have also worked on being brave. I have written a children’s book. I also began writing songs about three years ago and thus far have written about 20 of them. Songwriting is such a joy to me and a truly different way that I now have to express myself. In forcing myself to be brave I have taken to playing at open mic night here in town. I hate every minute of it and how I play perfectly at home and bomb while on stage. But hey, that is okay because I am challenging myself and don’t just sit in complacency doing nothing. 

I have also traveled quite a bit in the five years since I left my ex. Mostly with my lovers (Australia, Europe and Norway) I also fished in British Columbia, Canada. Also during MY YEAR OF BEING BRAVE (a year that I dedicated to doing things outside of my comfort zone) I traveled alone to Qatar and the Maldives Islands. I travel cheap. I don’t stay at the best hotels, I visit off season, and I look for incredible deals in order to be able to create the life I envision for myself. Then, occasionally I write stories for magazines about my adventures. (And for those wondering… FYI-I pay my own way and don’t rely on any man) Believe me, I know that I am fortunate to be able to craft this life that I am living mostly on my own terms.

My children are all doing pretty darn well considering the extent of the family implosion. Gracie will graduate from college in May. Paul has a good job and just bought a condo. My other Korean son who has autism earned his associates degree and is now at college in Texas working on his bachelors. My oldest three are doing well as are my grandkids.

Yes, I miss having a permanent partner in my life and I would like to someday find one for I still believe that a passionate/compassionate kind of love can be found. I used to think I couldn’t live a happy life without someone standing by my side but I have come to find that I can. At times, it saddens me to think I might die alone but in reality we all do in one form or another so I am becoming more and more comfortable with that thought. And while I have found in the past few years that I still put others needs before my own I am learning to do it on my terms and in ways that bring satisfaction to me. 

This coming year….2025…I have decided will be spent crafting a YEAR OF OVERFLOWING ABUNDANCE. What this means at the present time… I am not sure. But somewhere in the back of my mind it means being grateful, saying yes to opportunities presented, and seeing the glass as neither half empty or half full but overflowing abundantly. I am also considering a 3 to 6 month stay in another country….something that I have always wanted to do. 

So here’s to you and me. Here’s to the all the possibilities that come our way. Here’s to finding our way out of the dark and into the light. Sometimes I cannot believe who I have become and occasionally I miss who I once was but I would not trade this life that I have created for myself. I hope you feel the same way too!

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Autism Touches Every Aspect Of Your Life

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

Autism sucks. At times it contributes to immense suffering for both the person with autism and his/her family. Sometimes it just does. Period. End of story.

Frankly, I have it easy if you consider the many behaviors that encompass the entire spectrum of people with autism. There are those people who cannot speak. or toilet themselves or self-harm. My sons have none of these issues. We are fortunate.

But sometimes I get weary of the constant pushback.The whole I say “yes”, so he says “no”. The fifty pokes to my arm everyday. The constant giving of some of the deepest parts of myself and getting very little back in return. The feeling that I am doing too much, or not enough, and either way believing whatever it is I am doing; I am most definitely not getting it right. Sometimes it is downright discouraging feeling that your choices are limited, as is your pocketbook, in your ability to get your children the help that they need. And for those of us facing mental health issues along with autism the chances to obtain needed services decrease even more until the quagmire you are in looks a lot like quicksand and it feels that way too.

Yes, I know that my boys are teenagers and some of this is normal teenage behavior but often it feels like it is teenage behavior on steroids and the doses are getting larger by the minute.

Over the years, I have heard comments such as “This too will pass.” Will it? When? Or “You are building character.” Seriously? We have enough character in this house to write our own sitcom. We don’t need anymore. So now, after all those years of worrying about offending others; I no longer put up with those people who “give you the look” or make”kindly” suggestions on how you could improve your children’s behavior. To them I suggest: you are not fighting the daily battle so you have no say. Keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t need them and neither does anyone else who is doing their best day in and day out.

Maybe someday things will get easier for our kids. There will be less bullying. There will be more services. Schools will do what is right and give kids what they need to reach their full potential instead of fighting parents every step of the way. But until that time, parents are here engaged in a daily battle for their kids rights and it is sometimes beyond exhausting.

So the next time you see a special needs family don’t judge. Just give them a smile or a kid word and know they are dealing with more than you will ever have to. Then go about your business thankful that your family is doing well.

 

 

 

Sadie

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 7 Comments

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Sometimes the poverty that exists in this country just blows me away but what blows me away even more is the politicians that have no regard for those less fortunate than they. I have come to believe that before any politician can actually take office they should be forced to live in the middle of any city with their families, they should have to survive on food stamps, and should life without health insurance. They would have to live in buildings that long ago should have been condemned, have to take their clothes to a public laundry mat, and have to rely on public transportation wherever they go. I suspect that most would be so far out of their element that they would die of fear. Hearing guns going off constantly and living in economic chaos will do that to you.

Meet Sadie. She was a product of the foster care system until she became an emancipated minor at 16 years of age. At that time she was pregnant with her first child.She had nothing when she was pushed out into the world and she still has nothing except a broken-down rental, no furniture except a worn-down worn-out mattress, and no stove. She was never cared for properly and because of this she doesn’t believe she is entitled to anything more than she has ever known. She doesn’t think she should be doing better because she has never known what “better” is. What she sees on her neighbors tv (she can’t afford one) is just a fairy tale and not attainable to “someone like her.”

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Sadie had another child by the time she was 18 years gold and things were going well until her husband died unexpectedly. Depression hit her hard and she couldn’t get the mental health support she needed. Currently there are 14.1 state mental health hospital beds per 100,000 people which is essentially at the same level as in 1850.  Because of this breakdown her children went to live with their grandmother and her guilt is immense. She wants them back but knows that they are better off where they are so she puts them first before her own desires. I think our elected officials could use a little of Sadie’s “doing the right thing” towards others mentality.

Sadie met another man and once more she found herself pregnant. She couldn’t afford birth control and there was no Planned Parenthood available. Her baby died at birth in the hospital. She doesn’t know how or why and regrets that in her sorrow she did not demand answers but she wouldn’t have known what to ask anyway she tells me. When you are poor you have no power and you expect nothing.

She’s pregnant again and her boyfriend is in jail. Hopefully, he will be out to be at their child’s birth but Sadie isn’t sure. She didn’t have the money to post bail and so she waits hoping that the judge will see what she sees in her boyfriend…a caring human being with flaws.

Maybe if a politician or two were to live with Sadie for a month they might come to understand that when you aren’t born with a silver spoon, when you haven’t been to the best schools, when you haven’t had parents there to meet your needs, when you were forced into a foster system that often exploits rather than nurtures, when you aren’t tall and beautiful, and when you don’t have an IQ of 120 that life is just tougher. Period.  Unfortunately, our rich representatives do not understand that they did nothing to deserve their good looks, their good parenting, the plentiful food they had on their table, and the comforts that their parents were able to provide for them. It was just dumb luck that they ended up living a life of privilege instead of a life of poverty.  Most didn’t earn what they got… they were just lucky to be born into various combinations of advantages through nothing they did no their own. The lives they were given taught them to think in ways that many in poverty have never been exposed to nor could they conceive for themselves.

So before you let the politicians convince you that the poor are to blame for their circumstances I hope you will really contemplate where you would be in your life if you were Sadie. Then I hope you will go up to her, give her a hug, and help in anyway that you can…including holding our elected officials responsible for taking care of those less fortunate then them.

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Think Of Them

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

 

Sometimes I am just so disappointed in both B and myself on behalf of our children. Ideally, no child should be a child of divorce but our kids have even more compelling reasons than most not to have to their parents split up.

Our youngest three children are all adopted. Obviously adoption involves loss and children who have been adopted have already lost their first family. They already have certain holes in the hearts and as adoptive parents we do everything we can to try to patch them. But as hard as we try, for most adoptees, something is still missing. Some don’t examine these feelings or loss or abandonment until they are 20 30 or even 40 years old. Some, like my son Paul, live with this wound their entire lives. Always wondering who they are and who they come from. Always believing there was something “wrong” with them rather than something wrong with the situation they were born into. None of these kids deserve to have their family severed again. My heart aches for them should we divorce and the guilt is tremendous. I mean, we willingly and lovingly brought them into our “forever” family, as the adoption community refers to it. But we may not be forever to children who desperately need the stability of forever.

Both Andre and Paul have autism while Paul also has some mental health issues. In talking to their psychologist she says that divorce would devastate Paul and could take him to a place from which he cannot return. Who does that to a child? Who knowingly divorces knowing that this is a possibility? I don’t even know how to wrap my head around this and I don’t understand how B could either.

And Gracie is at the age where losing her family could impact her ability to sustain her own relationships. According to studies older children remain profoundly effected by vivid memories of suffering due to their parents divorce. They are concerned about the unreliability of relationships and fear of betrayal when they are older and divorce happens.

I know that there are good reasons for divorce and I know that not all kids suffer because of them. But I also know in a family like mine that divorce will be most likely be catastrophic because of the special issues that are involved. It seems so ridiculous and selfish to be talking divorce just because a marriage isn’t “perfect.” Nothing is perfect in this world and I hope our children don’t internalize it as this divorce is occurring because they are not perfect either. Although we would sit down with them and try to convey that it has nothing to do with them, I suspect that they will not buy into any easy platitudes.

So I sit here and hope with a heavy heart that things improve for us and for the sake of our children. For if we divorce they have the most to lose. They are the innocents.