Month: September 2015

Understand Rather Than Judge

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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Aim To Understand Rather Than Judge…perhaps some of the most important words ever written. Unfortunately, I do not do it well.  I often leap to a conclusion rather than trying to comprehend what the actions of others really mean and in doing so, I neglect to value the humanity of the person that is standing before me.

I understand the benefits of increased comprehension. Taking the time to understand another human being’s perspective requires practicing empathy and developing an understanding of another person’s place/experiences in life. And in actively practicing understanding it forces us slow down and to face our own bias and to recognize our thinking is often fraught with flaws. But the benefits of understanding rather than judging not only benefits “the other”, it ultimately is a blessing to us too. Practicing active understanding often allows us to make better decisions for ourselves and others because we are able to look at the whole picture from a different perspective that is often disparate from our original inclinations. It forces us to slow down and consider the numerous other possibilities that may be impacting ourselves, others and our decision making processes.

Judging is easy. Most of us do it on a daily basis without much thought to how we are feeling about what we are judging and why. But understanding….that is a tough one. For to understand it means we have to stop and really listen and absorb what is being said. We have to pay attention to the subtle nuances, the body language, facial expressions, tone of voice to really get a clear picture of what someone is sharing with us.

I judge. I judge a lot. No, not about the issues that seem to take up so much of our political discussion these days. I welcome everyone to my table. But I do judge myself and my family often way too harshly. Sometimes I leap to the worst instead of believing in the best and it hurts everyone involved.

So this week, I will be conducting an experiment. I will time to make sure my interactions are long enough to ensure I have taken the time necessary to permit true understanding and I will listen without judgement. This might take me some time but…I’ve got 321 Days To Fix This…and I will.

Are You Kidding Me?!!!

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

If I had to pick one set of words that have spewed out of my mouth more often than any other, my guess is that you would have heard, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ”  or “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! ” the most.

“You let the dog eat your $400 retainer!! A.R.E.  Y.O.U.  kidding me?!!! ”

Standing on the pull-over lane on a major highway in the 100 degree heat with a dead van as I said to Paul, “You took the panel off of the van (while I am driving) and pulled apart those wires. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME!!! ”

“Are you kidding me? ” upon finding out that Andre was systematically going through the house and using everyone else’s toothbrushes when he couldn’t find his own.

On seeing Andre go into an outhouse sans sucker and returning from it with a lollipop in his mouth that he found on the outhouse floor. “Ohhh, gross, are you kidding me!”

Are you kidding me?!!! has become my mantra in regards to my slightly crazy mixed-up life.  Judicious use of “Are you kidding me?!!! ” makes me just that much closer to winning  THE MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD because I use it in place of “Oh, FUCK!” (my first inclination) in front of the elementary school just about every single day.

“Are you kidding me, you forgot your lunch again!”

“What do you mean you forgot your homework? Are you kidding me!”

“No, I don’t care if you tell your teacher you are on strike due to an increase in homework. Are you kidding me?!!! Yes, that is the way Democracy works and yes you have rights so go exercise them and get out of the car! NOW!”

The “Are you kidding me” phrase was also one of the first thoughts that ran through my head when B stated me might want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. ….as in “are you kidding me????? ” you think you can manage this loony bin by yourself…”are you f’ing kidding me!!!!! ”

As much as I have used this phrase throughout my life, no one has used those words better than John Stewart when mocking the Republican party. His “Are You Kidding Me” tirades are classic. Mine too. Therefore, in honor of my extensive use of these perfect tell-all-end-all words, I have decided to give them the glory that we both deserve:

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Grateful

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Today I saw this on Facebook

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It got me thinking ….

What if, when I opened my eyes at the first break of dawn, I was grateful to see the sunlight streaming in my window.

What if, when I stumbled into my bathroom all bleary-eyed, I was grateful for indoor plumbing.

What if, when I was making breakfast for my kids, I was grateful to have food to serve them

What if, during the herculean task of getting everyone out the door, I was grateful to have my kids to start my day with.

What if, when folding the mountains of laundry that accumulates around this house, I was grateful to have the luxury of having to fold more than one shirt when so many have only one shirt in tatters

What if, when I turned on the tap, I was grateful to have abundant clean water flowing from it when that basic right is denied to so many

What if, instead of worrying about what I don’t have, I was grateful for all I have been given

What if, instead of wishing B was different, I told him how much I appreciate all that he is.

What if, instead of praying for someone, I showed my gratitude for my fellow humans by buying a homeless person a meal and talking with them while they ate.

What if, when listening to a friend who is going through a rough spot, I gave them my heart and some kind words and I was grateful that what they were experiencing was not what was happening to me

What it, instead of grumbling that my husband forgot to take out the trash (again!), I was grateful for all the chores he did do around the house without me asking.

What if, when feeling sick, I felt grateful that there was medicine that would make me healthy again.

What if, instead of asking B to change, I looked at what needs to change within myself.

What if, when making dinner, I felt grateful for all the people growing my food

What if, instead of being hateful, I was grateful

So what if I were just grateful for everything?

I would be happier, more content, joyful, satisfied, delighted, cheerful, and giving

What a great day that would be!

For The Sake Of The Kids…319 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

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Last night I made the mistake of saying to B  that I wondered if he was only staying married to me for “the sake of the kids.” I was the second time I have asked and in further contemplation I realized I didn’t truly want to know the answer. (Why I ask these difficult questions is a thought for another day!)

The first time I asked that very painful question was about a week into the “maybe” D.I.V.O.R.C.E. when B and I were talking about how difficult a separation would be for our particular set of kids. As we walked he said under his breath, “Well, maybe we will just stay together for the sake of the kids.” That answer has been bothering me ever since.

“Wait a minute,” I replied at the time. “I’m not staying in this marriage if it is only for the sake of the kids. I want and I deserve more. Our kids deserve more too. If that is the only reason you are here then we do not belong together and we had better wrap this thing up right now because I will not live in a lifeless/loveless marriage. I am too selfish.”

Unfortunately,I think parents often feel like they are doing their children a favor by waiting until their kids are grown and off on their own before they begin the process of divorce. But children sense when something is wrong and can pick up signals that they misinterpret leading to self blame or problems in their own future relationships.

Staying together “for the sake of the kids” also creates guilt for young adult children when it occurs to them that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them in the form of trying to be the “ideal intact” family. No one wants to feel beholden to their parents in this way.

Another problem with staying together “for the sake of the kids” is that as parents we model what a marriage is suppose to look like for our children. If there is animosity, fighting or belittling a partner our kids tend to find themselves in the same sort of relationships later on down the line. And is that what we really want for their future?

I would like to think that if B and I remain together it will be because we have once again made our marriage the number one priority in our lives and that it will not be for “the sake of the children.” Because frankly intact is not better especially if truth, admiration, respect and love is missing in the equation. Especially truth.

Last week after intense questioning about why we were seeing a counselor, I told the kids that mom and dad were going to see a therapist because we had been married a long time and that we had forgotten how to communicate with each other so we were having the therapist teach us a better way of talking to one another. I also told them that we were going on date night because when you have been married as long as we have sometimes you forget how to have fun together and we loved each other enough that we wanted to spend time together having fun. And that is the truth and it is what needs to be told.

Several hours later after being told he needed to ponder the answer to my question, B came to me and said, “I have been thinking about it and on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 staying together ONLY for the sake of the children, I would have to say I am at a 2.5”

And with that I breathed a sigh of relief because it tells me that neither of us are staying together for just the sake of the children but instead for the sake of a relationship that we both care enough to work together to fix…219 days to fix this!

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Sex And The To-Do List…320 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Last night, as passion was awakening and the day was falling behind, B began to put the move on me. As we were getting down to the serious stuff and our bodies began to move to the grove, well, all of a sudden the thought popped in my head, ” I better remember to use the raspberries up in the refrigerator or they will go bad.”

WHAT THE HECK?

After a blissful and spectacular time with the honey (take that any way that you want) it occurred to me that every time we became amorous this week, an off-the-wall list of things I needed to do would suddenly fill my head bringing that “in the mood” moment to a screaming halt. Things like:

Did I lock the door?

Did I send Jackie that children’s book for the baby?

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck it a wood chuck could chuck wood? Well, really, how much?

I really need to get some new underwear since we have become busy as rabbits. I like lime green but what color does B like? You have been married 29 years and you don’t know what color B likes! How can you not know that?

Did Andre get the toilet unstopped? I think we need to add more fiber to his diet.

What time did Susie say she would be home?

And so it goes. Millions upon millions of questions begin descending on me just like one of my kids whenever there is a good probability of a great romance looming in the distance.

And after much thought on the subject I have come to a conclusion….I find it difficult to relax and just let go. After running this well oiled yet squeaky machine my ability to turn off my brain is diminished because if I let my guard down for just one minute a major calamity is bound to occur. That’s what happens when you have special needs children who never sleep, don’t understand the concept of danger or want to experiment with electricity and water in the middle of the night. That’s what happens when they use a butter knife to take apart the front door lock and slip out into the night, or decide to consume fabric softener (poison control says it’s okay in small quantities) or find a way to remove the key board from your piano.

Of course, this is all PTSD “thinking” on my part. The boys are no longer destructive, unaware or creating their own adventures 24/7. They are growing into fine young men who I can leave alone for awhile and still find the major supports to my house standing.

And so now I realize it is me who has to let go of the past…all of it… and get on with living life as it is now. I have earned the right to sit back and enjoy and danger is no longer an ever present nuance of our lives…that is unless you count the handcuffs under my bed that I borrowed from a friend…they might just be the kind of danger that is needed around here.

Sometimes

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Sometimes when we whisper in the dark, your face black and empty, no expression to catch or change,

I wonder if the things you whisper back to me are true or do you just say the things you think I want to hear?

Why do you tell me the most important things in the cloak of darkness, your face hidden from view?

Do your words mean less or more to you in the quiet of the night?

Or do you just say them because you can get away with them, when I cannot see those subtle nuances flicker across your lips?

When I cannot see the truth or cannot get lost in your smile

Why do you say the most important things in the dark?

Is it because I cannot see who you are so I miss what is truly meant?

I wish you would look me in the eye and whisper those words

Not under the cover of darkness

But exposed and naked in the bright light.

Then I would know what you really mean.

The Dead Fund

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After B came to me and announced he might want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I realized just how silly and naive I have been my entire married life. Yes, I bought into the Prince Charming and the “Happily Ever After” notion and truly believed we would be together forever. Granted, studies on successful marriages show that to stay married you have to believe that there is no “out” and it is forever. And that is well and good if you believe that but what if your partner does not?

This “maybe” divorce has instilled in me a hard lesson that has been missing in my life. And it is this… no matter how happy you are, no matter how secure you believe your marriage to be; you should plan ahead for the demise of your marriage. Why? Because often in divorce one partner is not honest, accountable and will do everything he/she can to destroy you.  Often, divorce leaves the woman struggling and broke. Her economic status plummets while her ex-husband’s goes up and that doesn’t change over time.

Therefore, I have recently told all my girls that the minute they get married they should start a DEAD FUND. Every week they should put $10 into the fund and just let it build. The fund should never be touched except in case of divorce at which point they would have enough in it to at least re-establish themselves and their family in an apartment and be able to put food on the table. Nothing is scarier than not having a penny to your name and no place to go especially when you have children depending on you. And we women are remiss in not planning for this possibility.

It is imperative that women protect themselves in case of divorce. Women still earn 77% percent on the dollar compared to men and if nothing else the DEAD FUND will help my girls get over the hump of economic inequality on a short-term basis.

If I had invested $10 a week in myself over these past 29 years I would have $15,080 put away. And better yet, if I don’t divorce my family has a nice amount to pay for my burial costs.  The DEAD FUND protects you in case your marriage dies or it provides for your family in the event of your death. Either way, having a DEAD FUND will provide peace of mind no matter how the dice are thrown. Because every woman should have an exit plan in which she is financially secure for a short amount of time. Period.

Choose Something Different …323 Days To Fix This

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I have recently been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron On Udemy called The Freedom to Choose Something Different. It is fabulous.

One of the things Pema talks about is how we get “hooked”…that is how we react over and over again in the same ways even though it is hurting our health, our relationships and our ability to be at peace because we just can’t let things go. She talks about how even before we process “the hook” we can feel it in our gut…that unconscouis tightening that occurs when we are starting to be hooked and react in ways that are not beneficial for us or others. And Pema is right.

Many times when I was yelling I would feel that anger start in the pit of my stomach and move upward and then out of my mouth in the form of a very LOUD yell. Pema says that the trick to eliminate this unwanted behavior is to choose to do something different to break that pattern of reaction.

There are several things that I have put into place when I feel that irritation or anger first start. They are:

I take 10 deep breaths (one breath doesn’t work for me because I can hyperventilate and  breath so fast, so that I am still angry when I am done…sigh)

I removed myself to my closet where I listen to a 10 minute Chel Hamilton Podcast which teaches new approaches to try when things are bothering me. Bonus this totally relaxes me and I am a new person when I emerge.

I envision myself reacting the way I would like someone to act towards me

I pull on my ear to break my irritation pattern and amazingly it calms me right down.

In this vein, I once listened to a NPR program that talked about the huge issue of heroin addiction that the Army was facing prior to the Vietnam Vets arriving back in the States after the war. The soldiers were shooting up in large numbers in Viet Nam and the Armed Forces were worried about the tidal wave of soldiers returning home addicted. Turns out that while some addicts did continue with their habit, many more did not. Why? It seems that changing location made a huge difference. Not due to access but just due to the fact that when you change a pattern you can change behavior.

Breaking the pattern is the first step towards change whether it is yelling, eating, sleeping or many other issues that we find annoying or that damage relationships. It takes recognition, hard work, mindfulness and wanting something different in order to incorporate things into our lives to stop “the hook” from taking over.

So if you are driving along and you see a woman frantically tugging on her ear, it is probably me, and you probably just cut me off but it no longer irritates me because I have chosen to do something different. Have you?

First Day Of College

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Meet 14 yo Andre. His sense of humor is scalding, his style of dress is prehistoric and he in a bona-fide hero…he saved another person’s life while risking his own. He insists on routine, he is stubborn as the day is long, and he has autism which while not completely defining him gives you a hint of what is to come.

Today was Andre’s first college class. It is hard to express just what I am feeling but I can tell you this…I am very proud of him.

We are fortunate that there is a high school that is located on the local college campus and besides the regular curriculum the kids also have the opportunity to take college classes. The goal is to graduate with a high school as well as a college diploma at the end of their four years.

We are also very fortunate that Andre, despite his challenges including autism and severe ADHD, is able to navigate the system as well as he does. He is a great student and has a very unique perspective on many issues. And while I am glad he has this opportunity I also worry about my 9th grader.

It’s hard not to be apprehensive about Andre as he steps into this new, more mature world that isn’t set up for someone on the spectrum.

It’s not the drugs I worry about. In Andre’s very black and white world, where rules are to be adhered to at all costs; illicit drugs are just not in his game book.

It is not all the bad influences that concern me. Unfortunately, no one is interested enough to go beyond Andre’s quirky behaviors to get to know him yet alone influence him.

It is not the classwork that has me sleeping less at night. With a son who is a human calculator I am confident in his ability to master anything that his instructors throw at him.

What worries me is those who will take his natural kindness and abuse it. His openness to everyone and everything and exploit it. His way of singing through life and squash it. But most of all, I worry about predators, especially sexual, who will see a target who has no understanding of how protect himself and they will move in. And on a campus that offers hims so many opportunities, a campus full of adults, I pray that no one takes advantage of a young man who takes advantage of no one and desperately wants to have one, just one, friend and to fit in. And if I had the chance to say something to all the students about Andre I would say just let him be himself, listen to him and help him navigate when he becomes rudderless but most of all just be his friend…everyone deserves to have at least ONE friend and by being his friend you will be the one who will gain the most.images