I am struggling not to go there. Not to go to the dark part inside myself that sees things in the shadows that may or may not be there. That part of me that is distrustful when it is not warranted because my issues with distrust developed when I was a little girl so many years ago and are exacerbated by the unexplained things that sit in my Place of Mysteries.The Place of Mysteries…303 Days To Fix This The place that calls out to me from under the door “Look at me now. Look at me, even though your information is incomplete. Go ahead jump to the worst conclusions.”

I am desperately trying to hold myself back from this sort of thought process but I am finding it difficult.

So here’s the thing. When B was at camp I had the chandelier hung. I also had a broken electrical outlet replaced with a new outlet that also has two USB charging stations incorporated in the design. This new outlet is the same place where B has charged his phone for the past ten years.

A few days after he returned home from camp, as I was going to bed, I noticed his phone was not at the station charging so I decided to go find it and plug it in for him. I was trying to speak his love language by doing something kind, but I couldn’t find his phone anywhere. Strange… but I didn’t think too much more about it.

Anyway, the next day I noticed the same thing. And the next and everyday since. Again the phone is no where to be found and is not in the place he has charged his phone for the past ten years. B usually gets up about an hour earlier than me but today I got up early and his phone was charging at the charging station. Last week I kind said, “I noticed you aren’t using the charger.” He said something to the effect he liked using the plug in and I didn’t really think anything about it…but now I am.

I guess I am concerned because most people don’t suddenly change what they do unless there is a reason for it. I am confused why there is this sudden change of habit and a phone that is out of sight when it has never been this way before. I want to know the reason. Maybe it is something simple or maybe not. Yet, with the new found attempt to re-kindle our relationship I am afraid that if I bring it up it will cause problems and the “you don’t trust me” statements will be hurled at me like a cannon ball.

I will say here that I do not know B’s password to his phone and I have not looked at his phone for over a year. We used to have each other’s pass codes but I have not had his for a year and frankly I am assigning meaning to that lack of information and perhaps I should not. Like it is some sort of tell-tale sign of the health of this relationship especially since it was not that was before.

Frankly, I am not even sure that this wondering of mine has to do with not trusting or if  it is more of a sense of curiosity. A wondering if this has implications that I am not even aware of which makes me unnerved. That these new behaviors B is exhibiting are saying something about our relationship in some sort of foreign language that I don’t understand.

I don’t like this…this feeling of secrecy and tip-toeing around afraid to ask legitimate questions. And as time passes I often wonder if this is the way I want to live. I am an open book. My computer is always open and my phone is available to anyone who wishes to see it. I think that this is what I am wanting in my relationships. Transparency.

I don’t know if transparency is the norm. All my friends have access to their spouses phones, computers, etc. Is this important or not?

But still, I wonder, does this indicate there is a problem in other people’s marriages or mine? I guess time will tell….and there goes my positive post pact. SIGH.

12 thoughts on “Struggle

  1. Ugh – I hate saying this, and this will not help you to avoid going to your dark place, but I’ve heard that in a healthy relationship, you can talk openly with your partner about things that bother you, without worrying you’ll be made to feel bad or guilty. I personally don’t have a relationship like that yet, but I’ve read about them and they sound nice 😕

    The New Me would have his phone password, as well as email and any social media passwords, and if he has nothing to hide, he should gladly provide them without saying anything about trust. The Old Me would have worried about starting an argument.

    Just my 2 cents.



  2. 😦 Sorry GLP. This tiptoeing is so shitty – when you know what you want to know, what you want to ask, but you are scared of hurting him by asking a totally legitimate question (especially in your relationship). Lack of trust? Would that not be understandable in your case? How could he blame you for that? But true, maybe it is not a trust issue, it is a gut-instinct issue. I made vows to myself never to hush my instincts, ever again. So if your instincts tell you something is off, something may as well be off. Why not pick one of those perfect words to ask and see where it takes you? At the end, if he becomes defensive, that is not a good sign at all, right? So if you fear that that is going to be the case, maybe you are actually fearing you are right, not really his reaction. Am I making sense here? So convoluted.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t have any advice, but wanted to say how this works in our house. We know each other’s pass codes, and our computers are often available. But privacy is also assumed. Neither of us would go poking around without asking first. Ever.

    I know lots of things about our relationships are different, so I’m not commenting as a judgement. Just wanted to throw it out there to address the perception of transparency in other families.


  4. OY
    breathe in and out, I think you are his wife, his life partner, you can ask him anything you want.
    you feel vulnerable, you should be able to tell him that…
    make it about you..
    ‘I feel anxious, I feel vulnerable, I am probably crazy but I feel jealous that you’re being a bit secretive…’
    see where it takes you?
    but i am terrible at these things.
    drink wine.


    • Well I would prefer rum and I did go see my therapist. I was never a very neurotic woman until the past year…I don’t like it. Maybe I can give that up if I drink…great idea Violet!


    • I really like what you just wrote there. “A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing!” I am going to try to cram that into my memory bank!


  5. Lovely lady. I am a damaged girl. I have no trust so I don’t think my opinion is going to be anything but biased. Your hold up on commenting to him however worries me. Because it’s actually about trying to control his reaction versus being grounded in yours. You actually know nothing, you just want to understand. And that’s fair. But it sounds like you fear some of the reactions shown here: and that’s what makes me worried.


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