Getting To Know You Getting To Know All About You

In the week that I have been here I have gotten to” know ” quite a few people thanks to Barbarita and James. Everyone has been so kind and nice to me even though my Spanish is woefully Malo. But I keep trying to improve so I think they appreciate that I am willing to try. In fact, I have found in my travels that even if you know just a few words in another language and you are visiting for a short time that people appreciate the effort of showing them that you respect their culture or area enough to try to reach out. In this vein, I have decided to take Spanish lessons in an attempt to “fit in” a little more. It will be a challenge due to my age and the fact that everyone tells me that Mexican Spanish is a little different from Peruvian Spanish which is a tad different from Costa Rican Spanish; but I am excited to learn more and to be able to communicate with others.

Learning a new language is so much easier these days than say 20 years ago. This morning I watched Chicken Little in Mexican Spanish on Lingopie. I have also bought several children’s books from New 2 You (the second hand store in which I will be volunteering) in hopes that it will help me learn. It has been quite fun going back to my childhood to revisit stories that I once knew and that my parents read to me when I was a small child. It makes my insides smile.

Saturday, I attended a party to welcome me to Mexico and to thank the volunteers who work at the store. It was thrown by Barbarita and I met many people who were kind and welcoming. In fact, two of the ladies, one of whom is a great cook have offered to come over during the week to break bread and learn each other’s respective languages. Gabby (who speaks no English) and I had a good time trying to talk to one another through hand gestures and when the going got rough using a translator. She is going to make Sopas for me next week and I am so excited about it. Several other ladies offered to make dinner dates and to go walking together in the mornings. I am excited to get to know these soon to be friends.

Deciding to make the move and experience to different countries at my age has been an interesting adventure. Yet, I can say that I truly believe that the love and acceptance I will find on my travels, while unexpected, will be a gift that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to get to know various cultures, geographies, and people as I make my way to exciting and unexpected places. Best of all, as I learn Spanish it will open even more doors of opportunity and friendship as I learn to connect with people who value connection and mutual understanding just as I do.

Adios por ahora

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

One of my favorite musical artists is, Fia, a Swedish singer/songwriter. One of the songs she has written is called I AM and goes like this:

No, I am not who you think I am 
I am so much more, I am one with source 
I am limitless, infinite, powerful 
Abundant, complete from the start, creator of all 
I am that I am 
Oh yes, I am that I am

That is how I am feeling right now as I sit in Las Vegas getting ready to leave to Mexico for two months on Thursday. I am excited and a little scared. Yet, it is not the trip that scares me. What worries me is my health as I begin this journey. For several months now, I have been waiting to get an appointment for a colonoscopy and have been unable to secure one as here in the USA as the doctors offices are scheduling three months out. Hopefully, I can obtain a colonoscopy in Mexico to determine if I have polyps or colon cancer which is my diagnosis based on a Cologuard test. Frankly, I hate being in limbo and medical limbo is the absolute worst because you live with an abundance of fear for something that may or may not be, which wastes time, energy, and promotes negative thinking. Yet, I also feel at this time free and limitless… open to all the possibilities that are floating around my life at this time; just waiting for the hand that guides us to pluck my fate from the universe and to deal with the hand I have been dealt whatever it may be. And that in one sense feels liberating because I don’t have to try to control the situation; I just have to accept what IS at this particular moment.

Since deciding to sell my home three months ago to take off and explore the world, I have felt a lot of scary feelings. Yet, I also find that I am coming more aligned with myself, my spirit and my true essence. I have discovered that I AM so much more than than YOU or ME or anyone else thought I was. I feel more powerful and I have come to believe more times than not, that I am indeed the sole creator of all that I am. And with that power to create myself I have a responsibility to craft my life in a way which matches those values/traits I believe are important. To make sure that my journey includes compassion, integrity, joy, seeing things in an optimistic light and to treat others the way that I want to be treated. Further, it requires that I love myself in ways that have been difficult in the past; acceptance being of primary importance. Acceptance or approval of oneself should be easy but for so many of us it is a skill that needs to be re-learned after we lost it somewhere around the age of three when we played hide and seek and 61 years later we find that the game hasn’t ended… and I am still looking for that part of me that was lost all those years ago.

So as I embark on this journey which I hope will allow me to find myself and restore that sense of confidence I had when I was twenty, I ask myself to remember to be kind to myself and grant myself grace as I search for the things I have misplaced but so desperately want to commune with once again; allowing for unification of those parts of me I have yet to accept and in finally doing so will make me whole once again.

PS to my grandkids: I hope you learn from your grandmother to be brave and take chances. Know that bad things like an unwanted divorce may happen in your life but you can go on and create a life that is beautiful and meaningful to you. And for god sakes, please, never refer to me boring!

Scared Shitless…But Doing It Anyway!

Three weeks ago I was in Thailand with my boyfriend, who, on the second day of our trip, decided to end things with me. There was no fight. No argument. No nothing. Just a surprise conversation while lying in bed together. Talk about a sure fire way to lose your libido!

If I am honest with myself, I knew the relationship wasn’t quite right (mostly for him) I am optimistic and he is a pessimist. He is a neat freak whereas I am not so anal. I embrace life and love fiercely whereas he says he isn’t sure what love really is. But I knew the end was coming when he said I reminded him of his mother..he disliked her. And, well, the big thing…he has never found me attractive…yes, he had the gall to say it (more than once) and as we all know there was nothing I could do about that except lose my confidence and start feeling somewhat insecure. But still I persisted. Why? We laugh a lot, had great ___, are compatible and were economically similar. And he taught me things, important things like fly fishing, he values our friendship and a truly nice man who tries to look out for my best interests even when I am sometimes unable to determine what they are. Sometimes as you age the things that were once high on your priority list suddenly slip a little while other once inconceivable things now take their place. Luckily, we are good friends and enjoy each other’s company so we still had a good time but seriously walking on the beach NOT hand-in-hand was not exactly how I envisioned a beach trip to Thailand and Laos.

Anyway, the day before leaving the country, I put my house up for sale…kind of on a whim but then again not. It sold in one day. I worked hard on this house. New wood flooring, painted the inside and outside myself, new roof, faucets, fixtures and tile in the bathroom, a beautiful garden with 7 ft high fence to keep the elk out, along with numerous other projects all completed in two years. I love this house, that I painted red which was located then two miles from the ocean. And I sold it and a whole lot of what I owned. Why? Right now….this second…. in this moment of complete panic… I am not sure why. But deep in my heart I know I did the right thing and these are the reasons I believe I did:

Fist off, I think the housing market is going to crash and wanted to get out while the getting was good. I didn’t want my house to be worth less than I paid for it. Secondly, I live on almost an acre and one-half and with the traveling I have been doing it isn’t practical with all the mowing and upkeep on the garden. Furthermore, I do not like the direction that this country is headed at the moment. And finally, I always wanted to try to live in another country for a bit. Everything combined created the perfect storm and I went for it. Now, as I pack boxes and unload many of my earthly possessions I am questioning myself.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Perhaps it is early onset dementia?

“Yes, maybe. I couldn’t remember the word for fork the other day”

“Everyone says start writing notes to yourself.”

“You tried that and lost the notebook”

“What kind of 64 year old woman sells everything and sets off an a big adventure that most 18 yo’s without gut issues, hearing aids, and often severe gas don’t even consider?”

And so it goes. The never-ending songs inside my head.

So here is the plan. I hope to housesit around the world. I will be homeless May 15th, a week later will attend my youngest daughter’s graduation from college, fly to my other daughter’s house in Tennessee, visit my Dad in Michigan then by the middle of June arrive at my best friends house in Las Vegas. Then, June 20th, I will leave for Queretaro, Mexico to housesit for two months. It’s a beautiful historic town and I think I am going to enjoy stepping back in history a bit. From there…who knows. But Ecuador seems to be calling my name.

I hope you will join me on this crazy journey that I am taking and know if I can do this you can do something scary and a bit difficult too. And if you want to know about where I was five years ago with a cheating husband and my six kids, well then, just read this blog!

Hello Again…

It’s Been A Few Years…And Many New Chapters

So after several years of anonymity (didn’t want anyone to know whose sad life I was writing about) and years of being away from blogging, I have decided to continue this blog again. For the longest time I have put it off because I was finding myself and trying to distance myself from all the heartache that my ex inflicted and still tries to even today. I didn’t know that I wanted to continue to write on a blog that was once so full of angst and pain when I am in such a different place than I was when I started writing this…what?…seven…maybe eight years ago. But then I decided… we grow. Life changes. And good stuff happens so it occurred to me that it might be helpful for those whose lives feel upended to realize that you will come out on the other side. Different but mostly in a way that improves your life and in ways that you didn’t even know that you needed.

 I am 63 years old now. Since my divorce my ex just took me to court again to reduce support which cost me $25,000 in legal fees. My take…try to avoid the lawyers if you can. As I write this he is in Italy living life to the fullest…but then again so am I. I am just much poorer than he is but I can honestly say that my life is much richer and unlike him… I know who I am and love who I have become. That said, because of my ex’s behavior I still find trusting men to be complex. However, I am learning that trust = consistency over time and when I view it in that manner I find that trust is easier to see and it comes out from those dark shadows. 

Since I stopped writing this blog I have had three love affairs; each lasting about a year and all teaching me lessons that I needed to learn. I don’t regret even one of them (okay, maybe one) and will always treasure this time spent in loving growth. That is not to say that these didn’t come with their own kind of heartache when they ended (the last one occurring just last week) but I can honestly say that I would do it all again for the love I received and experiences I grew from. For instance, from one of these men I learned how to fly fish. Had anyone told me that one day I would be casting while standing in the pouring rain for four hours I would have thought they were crazy. As it is, my kids are convinced that early onset dementia has kicked in but I love this new hobby. I have yet to catch a fish but I am not trying (no hook used) I just like being in nature and trying to get my body to do what I want it to do. I have also tied a few flies of my own.

Two years ago I moved to the coast of Oregon where I live on 1 1/2 acres in a house that I just painted red which is a color that I have always loved. I planted a garden and made a patio within it surrounded by a 7 1/2 foot fence that is suppose to keep my 30+ herd of elk out. I have a mountain lion that comes by at night about twice a year along with a bear that likes to raid my trashcan. I can pick wild mushrooms just by stepping outside my door and I try to walk along the ocean which is one mile from my house once a day. I have created my own little world that I am very happy and comfortable in. While not huge, my house is big enough for me and the things I hold dear. Everything in it reflects where I have been and who I am now. It is very hippie-bohemian just like me. And I am finding peace and actively creating it for myself.

I have also worked on being brave. I have written a children’s book. I also began writing songs about three years ago and thus far have written about 20 of them. Songwriting is such a joy to me and a truly different way that I now have to express myself. In forcing myself to be brave I have taken to playing at open mic night here in town. I hate every minute of it and how I play perfectly at home and bomb while on stage. But hey, that is okay because I am challenging myself and don’t just sit in complacency doing nothing. 

I have also traveled quite a bit in the five years since I left my ex. Mostly with my lovers (Australia, Europe and Norway) I also fished in British Columbia, Canada. Also during MY YEAR OF BEING BRAVE (a year that I dedicated to doing things outside of my comfort zone) I traveled alone to Qatar and the Maldives Islands. I travel cheap. I don’t stay at the best hotels, I visit off season, and I look for incredible deals in order to be able to create the life I envision for myself. Then, occasionally I write stories for magazines about my adventures. (And for those wondering… FYI-I pay my own way and don’t rely on any man) Believe me, I know that I am fortunate to be able to craft this life that I am living mostly on my own terms.

My children are all doing pretty darn well considering the extent of the family implosion. Gracie will graduate from college in May. Paul has a good job and just bought a condo. My other Korean son who has autism earned his associates degree and is now at college in Texas working on his bachelors. My oldest three are doing well as are my grandkids.

Yes, I miss having a permanent partner in my life and I would like to someday find one for I still believe that a passionate/compassionate kind of love can be found. I used to think I couldn’t live a happy life without someone standing by my side but I have come to find that I can. At times, it saddens me to think I might die alone but in reality we all do in one form or another so I am becoming more and more comfortable with that thought. And while I have found in the past few years that I still put others needs before my own I am learning to do it on my terms and in ways that bring satisfaction to me. 

This coming year….2025…I have decided will be spent crafting a YEAR OF OVERFLOWING ABUNDANCE. What this means at the present time… I am not sure. But somewhere in the back of my mind it means being grateful, saying yes to opportunities presented, and seeing the glass as neither half empty or half full but overflowing abundantly. I am also considering a 3 to 6 month stay in another country….something that I have always wanted to do. 

So here’s to you and me. Here’s to the all the possibilities that come our way. Here’s to finding our way out of the dark and into the light. Sometimes I cannot believe who I have become and occasionally I miss who I once was but I would not trade this life that I have created for myself. I hope you feel the same way too!

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10 Minute Poem Challenge – Love Wishes

It’s been five years

Stop looking for love they say

Love yourself first 

Find out who you are

But I have known who I am

For a very long time

And my heart has always belonged

Onto itself

While I slowly gave

Pieces of it to those 

Who did not appreciate

That it nourished them as well

I have given my love abundantly

Freely

Joyfully 

Without calculation

Because I believe

That is the way you do it

Without waiting

For “the other” to love you first

For connections are born in the sweetest of moments

And the quiet steady times

With no checklists 

No preconceived notions

Of every trait/attribute 

That someone must possess 

And without regards to whether 

They are matched completely

Which then allows for appreciation

And healthy attachment to that someone

You’ve admired but now adore

Wanting to honor them

By seeing the best in their character

And doing your utmost to show them respect

While minimizing their flaws

And I have to believe 

That as these feelings blossom

You can discover

That your belief in the preciousness 

Of what you have  

Keeps your person close

Because they want to be

Not because they have kept a tally sheet 

But because they appreciate 

That they are needed and desired 

Trusting  that it will be reciprocated

When an occasion of need arrives

I want to find that kind of love

Because Life is finite

I don’t want to become cynical

Giving up on men

Who don’t know who they are

And what they want

I don’t want to let go of:

Love

Touch 

All types of intimacy

Friendship

Shared laughter

Private just“for the two of us” jokes

And waking to that oh-so-right kind of touch

From the person

Who takes your breath away

And whose actions

Show you that love can be created

With a single touch

During one precious moment

In time

All of those components of love

That are revered on each page

Of my Book of Life

Are an essential

Part of the sweet nectar of life

And if present they result in

Satisfaction

Hope

Passion

Grace

Things I just don’t care

To live without

Yet, I am becoming afraid

That with all this heartbreak

And the deceit I have experienced

It will eventually lead

To irrational fear 

Disbelief

Distrust

Impatience

And reluctance 

So that love will become 

Elusive and improbable

Like the fairies of childhood

That floated with you

In the deep of night

For someone who has seen

What I have seen

Done what I have done

And fucked up those things

I should have paid more attention to

I worry that if I give up on love now

I will lose those things 

I was meant to know about myself

And others and life lessons that are derived

Through the eyes

The breath

And the love and respect

Of a person

I don’t NEED

But whose love I want to experience

In ways I can’t even conceive of, YET

THE ONE who provides a glimpse of all 

I have yet to discover about myself

My place in the world

And how to dwell comfortably 

In the heart of “my other”

And while I recognize 

That I am mostly lovable

Just the way I am

I fear that I will be denied

The opportunity to become the

Best version of myself 

Because I will be missing the perspective

And the gifts that we are taught

Through the patient love of another

Which are derived from just a subtle

Glance

Smile 

Honest conversation

A few tears

And quiet frustration

I want to give up 

My old habits of love

The kind I’ve dwelled in previously

Because I have discovered

That what I had was not

Gentle enough

Aware enough

Appreciative enough

Honest enough 

Yet, the kind of love

Offered by the person that now 

Stares me in the face

And challenges me

In regards to my notion of what’s important

Helps me to understand

That change is inevitable 

And it needs to be embraced and welcomed

In order to fulfill my destiny

And because my notion of love has changed

Through the gifts 

That truly seeing and appreciating

All the little things that “my other”

Brings to the table 

I finally recognize

That I am truly receiving

Those things which I never really

Knew that I craved and needed

And you only find

When you love yourself first

— 

A Toast…To ME…And The “Quest”

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So, here I am 59 years old and back in school…who would have thought! Certainly not I, that is for damn sure. As a stay-at-home mom with two special needs kids; B and I let my professional license lapse as we never thought I would go back to my career. Then during his affair he kept trying to push me to go back to work because a divorce would be easier if there was no spousal support to pay and probably because he was supporting/compensating “affair woman” too. Let’s face it,  all he had done became too much for him to handle, and as he saw it, my working would reduce his burden in so many ways. Of course, I didn’t go get a job because with the boys autism issues, school interventions and all the doctor visits there was just no way to do so… but still he kept trying to push me back into the workforce even though financially it made no sense… at least until you calculated in the cost of the expensive mistress…at which point it made perfect sense.

Needless to say, this “about face” on B’s part had left me feeling vulnerable, scared and rather pissed in the face of a “maybe” divorce. No career, no livelihood … no nothing to depend on except a husband with whom we had made joint decisions for the “good” our family… decisions that he now wanted to abandon or amend. Yep, I could count on him looking out for his “affair needs” but not mine and at my age I found it to be a very nerve wracking thing to have staring me in the face. It was definitely a wrinkle I had not counted on and one which Botox could not cure.

Now that things are better between us I decided that I need to secure “my or our” future… whatever that turns out to be… and so last week I started online schooling. This program will allow me to work from home in the medical field and earn $50,000+ per year. While it is not what I am used to living on it will allow me to take care of my family should the need arise. It will allow me to help pay for college for our kids, would allow B to retire early if that is what WE choose and it will allow me to provide a decent living for myself should I find myself alone.

Starting to plan on a new career is a scary thing and goes against what the lawyers have told me. But I am feeling that I need to step out and take a risk for my own sake and safety. While I would like to believe that B and I are healing our marriage with a two steps forward one step back approach; I also know that the time has come for me to trust in myself again and to find a way to be able to be less fearful no matter what comes my way. If we stay together that would be great but if we don’t I am taking my first scary steps to my own financial independence and to relying on myself alone. And while I am still pissed that I have been put into this position in the first place, at this point in time I find I am grateful to have the opportunity to shape my own destiny even though I do not know what the future holds. This truly is my first step to letting go of fear and trusting in myself, my “maybe” marriage, and what is to come.

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So, here’s to me and the two A’s I have received on my first two tests. I’ve got this and I finally have my own back too. And with the holidays upon us I am proud to say I have given myself the greatest gift of all…leaving limbo by reclaiming my own strength. While I may have been betrayed by others, I will try never to betray myself again and instead will face the world standing in quiet confidence.

So starts a new journey and quest. This tough old broad is ready. Bring it on.

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LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS

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Even though we are still together, that doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been a lot of sorrow and pain over the last nine months. Pain that sometimes has cut so deep that I felt that I could feed the universe with the blood/tears that have been spilled as a result of the affair and B’s sister’s involvement with it. There were times that I felt so empty of a once-vibrant life-force living within me that I felt that a transfusion was the only option left.

To say that the past three years were difficult is an understatement of gigantic proportions..

Yet, over the past nine months life has improved.. There have been moments of deep distrust alternating with moments of trust coming like scattered drops of rain on the parched desert floor. There have been moments of joy mixed with an even greater number of episodes of sadness. The laughter has been increasing while the angry words and accusations have been decreasing. The balance of the scales once tipped towards the negative are increasingly moving and staying on the positive side. Often it is a dance of three steps forward and two steps back. In truth, the two steps back have often involved said sister. She has caused many issues that have often impeded healing of the relationship. It’s often feels like the band-aid keeps getting ripped off by her hand.

But the other day something happened concerning said sister and after B took action on his own I thought to myself “I think he might actually love me again.” In fact, it was such a profound act of sacrifice on his part that I wrote a note to myself which read:

“It was at that moment when my sorrow turned to song.”

And for me it really was.

It was one of those rare “life-changing, perception-changing, Ah-ha moments” that make such a huge impact on you and your relationship that you know you can never go back to what was. It was a moment that forces you to move forward because that is truly the only way you were meant to go. It was a moment which allowed me to move closer to true forgiveness and understanding. A moment which encouraged me to let go of the hurt and embrace what is now happening now with greater clarity. It was a moment in which B showed me great love, compassion, understanding and did what I needed and not what he wanted.

So today… I sing… and the sorrow drifts by quickly like clouds on a windy day. I will sing tomorrow too and the day after that. Because sometimes moments actually are life-changing and they deserve to be celebrated in song.

Self-Improvement

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Several weeks ago an older woman walked up to me and told me that she really liked how I talked to my son. I was shocked because I did not feel that I had done a good enough job to merit that type of praise. In fact, as I often do, I felt as though I had “kind-of-sort-of failed” in my response.

Later as I reflected on the moment I thought, ” Why, if a stranger can be so kind to me, then why is it so difficult for me to be kind to myself? Why do I seem to negate recognizing the good that I do each day? Why is it I always feel the need to do better?”

As I have contemplated this the last several weeks I have realized that I often end my day examining those things that I feel I have failed or done a less than spectacular job at according to some invisible standards I hold for myself. And so, I have been contemplating and asking myself: where did these standards even come from and what makes me give them the validation that they so often don’t deserve?

In response to this, I have begun a nightly ritual in an effort to change this part of my life. Upon laying down in bed at night, I hug myself tight, and make a mental list of all the things I did right that day and if I am in doubt about one of them I give myself a win anyway. At the end of this recap I am write down the improvements I have seen in myself as a way to encourage myself as I take this journey through life. I give myself the chance to see the positive through a lens of critical assessment that I have lived with for a very long time. At times, It has been difficult to see positive change because I am so used to being harsh with myself, but little by little, even though I may fall short of my “invisible standards;” I am finding instances in which I deserve my own pat on the back even though I have not behaved perfectly. And I find, that when I wake in the morning I seem to be much more optimistic than I had previously been.

Often newly married couples are given the advice not to go to bed mad at each other because it leaves a sour taste in your mouth the next morning. The same could be said of ourselves. Going to bed with negative thoughts begets negativity in the morning. So try noticing your good points and successes throughout the day and run through the list before retiring for the night. You might just find you sleep sounder and wake up feeling refreshed.

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Betrayed OR Liar Lair Pants On Fire

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So Thursday B walked in the door ashen and with tears in his eyes. After 14 years of being the president of his company he was sacked. I said and did all the right things, loved on him and told him everything would be okay. I was the perfect wife.

After several hours of being at home he decided to download all the family pictures from his phone onto my computer since he was afraid his company would turn off his phone. Since then my computer has been running slow because he added over 2,000 pictures to it so today I decided to delete some after moving them to The Cloud. As I was going through them…SURPRISE!!!! …..I found a naked picture of a woman. Long story short, it was our tour guide from Viet Nam. The woman I had been sending money to occasionally to help her family….guess she decided to go after a bigger fish…B!

B confessed that he has been communicating with her for 1 1/2 years.  That he has thought of going to see her….wonder if that is why he was so adamant that I could not go to China with him? I asked him if he has communicated with her since he gave me the commitment ring…he has…yep, that is commitment for you! I told him I wondered if that was one of the reasons he got fired because IT saw numerous naked pictures on his electronic devices.

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Frankly, I feel good. Glad to know that my suspicions were not unfounded. Glad to know that these past two years have really been about him and not me. Glad to find out that he is a sex addict according to him. Yes, I am glad to know all of it. Glad to know he gave me the commitment ring on Christmas and talked to her after. Glad to know that when he sent the text from Boy Scout Camp that he wasn’t sure he had the passion or love to sustain our relationship, that he had just received naked pictures from her. I am glad to know all of this because now I know that I need to believe and trust in myself and I know without a doubt that he had one foot out of the door and was not giving me his all. And now I know what I need to do.

P.S. And to all of you who have told me so…I am sorry I didn’t believe you or kinda didn’t believe you. I was a fool.

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