Death Of My Marriage

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Yesterday was the day that we decided to meet for lunch to exchange lists regarding how we would like to divide our property, arrange child custody issues, and the like. We have decided to try to forego lawyers and see if we can work this out between the two of us.

We slept the night before holding hands and when we woke up B tells me, “Maybe we should go back to the belief that divorce is not an option,” so when we went to the restaurant for lunch I half expected that he might give me a piece of paper that said I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE but he came fully prepared. I guess there is a little part of me that is still floating down DE-NILE. A part that does not want to enter the raging, swirling currents of divorce that could at any time capsize my raft and suck me under the torrents of tears that seem originate at the mouth of this river.

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These days I find tears are always threatening to leak out of my eyes at the most inopportune times. Paul came downstairs and found streaks from tears that I quickly wiped off my face but he saw them and asked what was wrong. Thank goodness I am still wearing this arm sling because it hides a multitude of emotional sins that are bubbling at my surface surprising me as the burst forth when least expected.

“I’m okay, sweetie. My shoulder is I just hurting me right now,” has become a great response when my sad and raw sentiments threaten to take me down to places in which I do not want my children to see or dwell.

After Christmas we will detonate their world by blowing up all they believed to be right and true to smithereens. They will never be the same and I am afraid that my two sons with autism will regress/rage as a way to handle the major changes that their lives will undergo. Change is something that is very hard for people with autism to endure.

I also feel terribly guilty. As adoptees my children have already lost the first parents, their first country, their culture and their language. We were suppose to be their Forever Family and we have let them down. Paul’s therapist tells us his biggest fear is ending up alone with no family and I am sure it will set off feelings of abandonment for him. This is one of the things I am finding it difficult to find peace about and find the compassion to offer forgivness towards my husband destroying our lives together.

Last night B and I got into bed. We held hands all night and we both cried on and off. It was a night in which sleep eluded us but sorrow did not as it swept us up in its tight grip and kept any sweet dreams at bay.

Today is a new day…I think I will go back to sleep.

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11 thoughts on “Death Of My Marriage

  1. Husbands in MLC have yo yo brains. They don’t know what the hell they want so they keep the wife swinging back and forth in the air. Get a lawyer because all of that hand holding and sweetness can turn on a dime with MLC brain cells at work. I know that you love him and that you are in pain, but it is really fucked up for a man to say he doesn’t love you, wants a divorce and still wants to hold your hand in bed before he brings down the axe. You’re a better woman than I……. afraid I would have to tell him to stuff his hand up his ass…… My apologies, my filter is out being repaired.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Well I did consult with two and know what they said. I am hoping we can avoid lawyers so that we can save money for our boys and not spend money they will need in their lives esp if they are living in a group home.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. *hugs*

    While, i never looked back after being told we were getting a divorce, I sometimes crave the tender moments we had leading up to the Big Bang. I look At my daughters father and wonder what happened to who we once were. Then i remember, we are human and we grow, sometimes apart. Divorce was the hardest blessing I’ve ever walked through. If you can’t save it, love every moment that you had it and boldly walk forward. On the other side there are many many more challenges than our marriage presented – some good – some bad – but finding myself after being lost has been an incredible journey. Hard. Everyday is hard and these life hikes seem to get more tiring the higher I climb. But worth every second of the burn.

    I hope You find peace in your journey and fiercingly seek whatever you are looking for. Life is too short.

    Your kids will be fine! Just love them through it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with the above. Get a lawyer. It will save money and heartache on the other side. Also, he’s very unstable in what you described so you cannot trust him. Maybe one day but not now. You must protect yourself and by extension your kids.

    Liked by 2 people

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