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Where Am I AND Who Am I With?

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Bart-Hess-Sexy-Short

I just returned from the beach where it rained 3/4 of the time we were there but I loved it anyway. Something about that salt air makes me feel calm and peaceful. There I can enjoy all that life has to offer…easily. I am thinking if that is all it takes perhaps I should buy a noise machine that sounds like waves and an automatic scent sprayer that evokes that sea salt smell so I can trick myself into bliss 24 hours a day.

Speaking of bliss, while we were up north, B shaved off his beard and moustache. I haven’t seen him without it for over 25 years. Five of his six children had NEVER seen him that way either. It was quite a shock. But underneath it all there was something edgy and sexy about having a new man by my side. The smooth skin of his face now matches the smoothness of his balls and it does mind-tripping things to the fingers as they slide along matching parts of his body located at different ends. I have to admit I felt a little bit like Mrs. Robinson taking her young smooth talking boy to bed with her but take him I did and was I ever glad I did!  After 30 years of stubble… smooth felt like velvet on my body and my body responded to these new sensations extremely well especially for a 50+ year old woman with four children sleeping under our roof.

Tomorrow (which is now today as I write this) I leave for the southern part of the state where I will spend time with my kids and doctors. When I will write the magazine article that is due sometime in the next six days is beyond me but who cares…I have decided to be carefree and refuse to worry about what MIGHT bite me in the ass because of it! Until then, I am heading upstairs to get in touch with my husband’s new bare-ass naked wild side.

See ya!

I Will Be Happy….Damn it!

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

My oldest  girlfriend read my blog and told me that I sound like I’m manic depressive in my writings. She says if she didn’t know better she would think I was ready to throw myself off of a bridge and in truth I would have to agree with her assessment. Okay, not the one about throwing myself off of a bridge…we both know I am too vain to do that. I mean wrinkled and bloated…I already do that well enough without adding  rushing water.  No, I am referring to the part about the ups and downs of my recent writings.

Frankly, I am working hard at writing from my heart which at this time swings low and then high in 1 second flat. One moment I can see/feel the love the next moment it feels like it may be gone never to return. Frankly, I am a mess. While it felt for a while that things were improving we are both noticing old unhealthy patterns returning. I think my writing reflects this. Perhaps that is because the sadness and disappointments are easier to spot and to write about. I suspect that is because they are such intense emotions whereas happiness  or some variation of it, while beautiful, is not shattering and just creeps silently in without shouting out its arrival. Unfortunately, I think most of us just don’t reflect and analyze happiness like we do those negative emotions.  Pain, sadness and concern rock us to the core while happiness drifts over us sometimes appreciated and sometimes not. It just doesn’t have the sting that sadness does.

I think there is also that adage in play here about writers having to suffer angst to know the human condition and write about it in a way that gives it the justice it deserves. And while I know that this is indeed hogwash I also know that I bought into it to some small degree when I started writing for the newspaper all those years ago.

So tomorrow I am off to the beach for a holiday and I have pledged to write something uplifting, kind and noticeably happy to see if it influences any other parts of my life. Until I get back...choose to be happy damn it! … and give happiness the attention that she deserves in your life!

 

End Of Marriage Or Beginning of Acceptance?

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 5 Comments

Today was not one of my prouder days as a mother. Constant issues, constant disrespect, constant ways of intentionally pushing my buttons by Andre in a most difficult and autistic way. It’s a pattern and unfortunately I sometimes allow myself to get sucked up into it even though I know better. And it disappoints me as a mother and as a human being when I react while being poked with an intentional stick instead of laughing and walking away. I was downhearted due to my handling of the situation and I even (god forbid) yelled…something I have been successful at avoiding like the plague since the July.

I fell asleep while listening to a meditation and awoke to the call to dinner. Seems B had come home early and heard I had a rough time of things through Paul. He had made dinner to help out but I clearly saw the disappointment in his eyes.

Later I asked if he wanted to take a walk during which I poured out my soul about myself, how the day went and what I was feeling. As we walking and I was having this heartfelt conversation we were getting ready to turn at our “normal” spot when I said I would like to keep walking and B replied he wanted to get home so he could play his bagpipe.SCREECH! BING-BAM-BOOM. It felt as though he SUCKER PUNCHED me.  I told him I would keep walking by myself because it was obvious where his priorities lie. He said, “No I will come with you” but I sent him home. The possibilities for closeness and understanding felt broken. And for a while all I could think of was that that was the exact moment when my marriage ended because I realized the futility of it all. But in truth that is not what I really want because I still love this man even though I no longer understand him.

Yet, as I walked I began to think about all that was going on and wonder…  is this relationship as it stands now enough for me? Is half of a walk good enough or do I need more? Do I want someone who will listen to me until I decide that I am done whether that’s 2 minutes, 20 minutes or 2 hours… or… do I accept that this is all I will get? Can I just be grateful for a walk? Can I just accept a good gesture instead of a great one? Can I be happy with the wonderful things I get from this man and not concentrate on what I am not getting and being hurt in the moment due to his inability to respond like I would like him to? Why do I feel so vulnerable and raw all of the time? Can’t I just be happy in the way he wants me to be? Because that is all he wants…for us to be happy. As Nicole said “He wants happiness and unicorns on his terms because he doesn’t want to deal with any messes.”

Later when we were laying in bed we discussed the situation and of course he felt hurt (seems like we just keep feeling hurt by the other lately) I asked him when was it you realized that I wasn’t everything you wanted/needed but you decided to accept it and he replied  without a moments hesitation,”I don’t know ten, eight or maybe five years ago.” And truly, I felt shattered that he had been walking around for that long knowing and I didn’t have a clue. Because until tonight I had never thought about it that way. Maybe I should have.

 

 

When Buying Your Electronics…

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Did you know that if you have the “right” credit card  you have protection on your new electronics?

When I bought my MAC two years ago I used my credit card. Two days after buying it I dropped my MAC and it broke at the hinge between the screen and the keyboard. I took it to Apple and they said it would cost $700 to fix…(insert the are you F***ing kidding me sign!) When I told eldest son what happened he told me that often your credit card will cover problems with your new electronics for the first 30 days so I called and lo and behold he was right. I turned in my estimate from Apple and my CC company sent me a check for the cost of repairs. ONLY…and here is the BIG one…I never repaired it….until now.

The until now is happening because all of a sudden my computer is exhibiting big swathes of black across the screen here and there. So I am taking my computer in to be fixed after these past two years of coasting.  So who knows how long I will be off line.Going cold turkey will be difficult…maybe I should take up a new hobby like drinking. especially because I am going to a bagpipe festival this weekend. But until I am back have some great days, connect with someone, and check to see if your CC covers damage to your electronics!

 

On Making A Decision

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 7 Comments

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Recently I was reading about the effects on our body when we make a decision.  Besides solving problems decision making also has the added benefit of decreasing anxiety and worry. Because making a decision involves setting goals and creating intentional effects it engages the prefrontal cortex which reduces that anxiety you have been carrying around. And because decision making involves a shift in how you perceive the world when this shift happens in calms your limbic system creating a sense of tranquility.

Yet, what about all those times when making a decision feels like it involved two equally difficult or disastrous end points? Well, neuroscientists say to go ahead and “make a good enough” decision. Instead of trying to make the perfect decision “the good enough” decision will decrease stress and make you feel like you are more in control. In fact, just the act of making that decision will give your brain a pleasure boost so that skipping your way through the day seems like a real possibility instead of just dragging your butt somewhere.

So there you go. Make a “good enough” decision…stick with it…and you will find yourself under less stress and feeling good about yourself and your place in the world!

Gone Missing

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 7 Comments

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I recently realized I have no idea who I really am. That is a hard thing to write at my age.

If you had asked me last year who I was and what I stood for I could have given you a laundry list of my good qualities, the bad ones, my likes and dislikes, my truths, my foibles, the things that I tolerated and the things that I could not. Now I have few clues. I am left holding a bag of pieces, a rope and flashing sign which reads detour ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the definition of  a mid-life crisis because it seems as if I am wiping clean the slate and starting over. Only problem… the cleaner doesn’t do its job and all I am are left with is grimy streaks that just muddy things all up and make clarity a rarity.

Supporters of Sigmund Freud believed that a mid-life crisis was brought about by a fear of impending death. I will confess that thoughts of dying do not keep me awake at night but what I want written on my tombstone does.  I guess that is the writer in me wanting to make sure the final sentence of my life is THE perfect one.

Or maybe this loss of “ME” is as simple as early onset dementia. I cannot seem to remember ANYTHING anymore. In fact, I took one of those on-line memory tests and the outcome was SEE YOUR DOCTOR SOON… at least that is what I think I remember. It used to be that I remembered every telephone number in my head nut now I can’t even find the phone. Maybe who I was is now crammed into the junk drawer in the kitchen between the batteries and the eyeglass repair kit. Who knows…but I do know I cannot find myself anywhere.

When Grandma was 85 she told me that when she would walk by a mirror she would think, “Who is that old lady?” because what she saw didn’t match who she saw in her head which was a 25 year old girl. I laughed when she said it but maybe now it is my issue too. What I see doesn’t reflect back who I think I thought I was…that is before I went missing.

It is shocking to me that his has happened. I mean it took so long for me to “find” myself, a self that I was finally pretty comfortable in, only to lost myself again in the prime of my life. I had gotten used to salesgirls ignoring me, the total absence of wolf whistles and having to buy compression socks when I flew. But this…arriving home to a perfect stranger…  I wish I knew her better…it would make life a whole lot easier for all involved.

 

 

Extending Our Life Span

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Scientists at Newcastle University in the United Kingdom have announced mitochondrial complex II activity decreased significantly in older skin. This development means that scientists hope that they can harness this energy to create powerful new anti-aging treatments both to prolong life and make us appear younger longer. While I am all for  getting on the “let’s not look a day over 40” train I am not so sure about extending our lives for significant periods of time. I mean do we really need people who are 125 years old or older walking this earth?

Yes, its true that people who have been-there-done-that often bring a lot to the table. Hopefully it’s wisdom and the ability to reflect back on all they have done in order to improve things for themselves and others in the future. But what about those who are unable to be introspective and self-reflective? Do we really want those who make the same mistakes over and over again hanging out even longer gobbling up our limited resources? And knowing we have finite resources what would be the criteria for being chosen to live significantly longer? Is it the poet, the musician or the mathematician whose contributions to society is more valuable? Maybe the doctor, the street cleaner, or the academic? The person with autism or cerebral palsy?

Should your genetic code be analyzed to determine if you will suffer from dementia or lung cancer? Which cancers would be permissible and at what point do you start costing society more than you are worth if you live longer and develop several throughout your lifetime? Would it be IQ or emotional intelligence which would rein supreme or would brute physical strength be the desired attribute? Should people with three DUI’s and a wrecked liver the size of a football field be given the chance to prolong their lives an extra 30-50 years? And should the amount of melanin in your skin be the determinate factor because if you listen to people involved in American politics like frontrunner Mr. Trump “those people” (meaning those who do not look like him and have more melanin) are causing all the crime. UGH. DO I NEED TO MAKE CLEAR WHAT AN IDIOT HE IS?!!!!

Yet, with all these questions to consider there are even more important ones to be asked. Specifically who should it be that makes the determinations of which qualities and characteristics are superior? Is it persons who are Black, White, Asian, Native American, Latino, East Indian, German, Dutch or from the Cook Islands?  Do they represent all of us or just a few?Are they Jewish, Catholic or Buddhist? Are they rich or poor? Happy or sad? Are they male or female? And what are their ages? Should they be required to have longer alleles longer so they are more resilient than others in the face of adversity?

While we forge ahead in science it seems to me that often we do not take into account whether or not we should do… or not do… something in the first place. As long as it is done in “THE NAME OF SCIENCE” (a just and noble pursuit)  then it must be okay. But often it isn’t. Maybe bigger, faster or new and improved is not what we should be looking towards. Maybe a live man-eating T-Rex is not in our best interests. Because maybe, just maybe, the circle of life is already perfect just the way it is…a circle with no beginning and no end… and it should be left alone just the way we found it.

 

Have We?

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Have we fixed what ails us?

Are we walking the path together

In a straight line

Or are we only connected together

By a line of oxygen tubing

That keeps us artifically alive

When in fact our relationship

Is terminal

Have we fixed what ails us?

Will we ever again feel

That closeness

That is beyond mere words

With an ability to finish

Each others sentences and thoughts

So connected that

Random young couples see us

And say

“I want to be like them”

Their (our) love still shining bright

Like a beacon of hope

To all the lovers and dreamers

Who have their hearts set

On having it all…forever

I used to think we had it all

Even with all the chaos that

Is our life with kids who have

Major disabilities that add

An extra layer to the complexity

Of our middle-aged lives

Now I am finding it hard to trust

Anything we have

Because I am afraid

And unwilling to settle

For something less than 100% honesty

But the truth floats through the air

Like a ghost

Leaving a trail of breadcrumbs

That leave me feeling

Hungry and unsatisfied

With what I have consumed

Where once I never questioned

My own happiness

Now I wonder if it attainable

With you in my life

Because I no longer know who you are

What you are and what you want

To Me, to my heart and to my soul

Whereas I was once willing to let things slide by

My happiness included

Happiness is now important to me

I am important to me

And I want to know

All things real

And not have to guess at meanings

Anymore

Where does that leave us?

You started this process

Maybe I will be the one to finish it

Or maybe I will begin to trust again

Right now the future is unknown

But isn’t it always?

 

 

Ethical Dilemmas

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 6 Comments

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You are driving down a deserted highway when you come upon an accident. A man is trapped in a burning car and there is no way to get him out. His arms are broken, his legs pinned.The fire is now close to the gas tank and you know she is going to blow. The man says, “I have a gun in my bag behind me. Please get it and shoot me. I do not want to suffer death by fire.” He starts screaming that the heat is getting so intense. “Please, just do it!” he screams.

Do you shoot?

Years ago before the invention of cell phones this situation would be much more of a dilemma than it might seem to be now. As technology changes so does our ability to respond to the ethical dilemmas before us.

I always find people amazing who declare they know EXACTLY what they would do if they were in this situation or that. People who are so sure of themselves that they believe without a doubt that every situation is so cut and dry that there is only one answer and they would automatically follow it. That they would always choose the legal way, the most noble path or the one that God expects of them. Unfortunately, life is usually a lot more messy than we counted on and the path is usually not as clear as what we imagine when we make these types of proclamations.

Once a young mother of four and I were once discussing the illegal immigrant situation. She is in favor of building a wall between our nation and Mexico.  She believes that if she was a Mexican citizen she would go through proper channels to come here. She is steadfast in that belief. When I presented her with varying scenarios such as:

Would she cross the border illegally if her children were starving

Would she come illegally if there was a violent war and killing in the streets

Might she slip over if her family was split up and her kids were needing their dad who was living illegally in the USA

She always answered that no matter what she would go through proper channels because that it what you do. You follow the law no matter what.

I think that is easy for United States citizens to believe they would do the “right” thing because we really have not been put to the test for close to 170 years. For the most part we don’t live in fear of our lives on a daily basis, we don’t have bombs falling from the sky, and most of us are not dying of starvation. For the most part we are not put in the position of having to live the unimaginable or to live our lives surrounded by fear, so we don’t really know how we would react in crisis situations. We like to imagine that we would hold steadfast to our beliefs but do we really ever truly know until we are faced with these true life dilemmas?

What I do know is it is often very difficult to do the “right” thing. Situations are muddy, emotions are involved and there are plenty of reasons both pro and con to take or refuse to take a particular action.But I also know that the time that took the path that felt ethically wrong to me  has caused me more heartache and pain than if I had the “right” thing. Going against your own moral fiber is one of the most cutting things you can ever do to yourself and you have have to live with those regrets the rest of your life…I certainly have and I quit my profession in large part because of it.

So back to the man in the car.

What will you do and can you live with your decision for the rest of your life?

 

 

 

Chiggers

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

 

My therapist tells me that I need to “just sit with it.”

Don’t make any decisions and don’t go planning out your entire life

In a moment of fear or concern

Just sit with it…listen to it

But how does one do that with this sort of news?

Because as I sit in the silence

Trying to meditate myself out of the place I am in

I hear the incessant buzzing of an annoying insect

Trying to tell me something

That I don’t want to hear

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Just sit with it…feel it

But instead I feel the sharp bites of chiggers

Trying to get my attention

Biting around my ankles

So I will get up and move

From this place that is suppose to be a refuge

Away from what is suppose to be a peaceful spot in my mind

While agreeing with myself that sitting with “it”

Is much too hard

I know I over think… over analyze

I have enough 20-year freeze dried food

In my pantry I feed us for a year

In case of a holocaust

I am prepared for every disaster, every emergency

Except this….not this

B says, “I don’t want to think about the future

I just want to live in today”

Smart man

I wish I were that way

Able to block out what I do not want to deal with

Or compartmentalize things in lockers so deep

You die with them stuffed deep inside

Locks rusty and worn but secure

Taking them with you

To God knows where

Maybe that is hell

Having to look at those items over and over again

The things you refused to see

When you were alive

The things you could change  but chose not to

Or maybe hell is that place

Where you go over your plans a million times

Trying to change the outcome

But are unable so you remain in that

State of anxiety for eternity

Neither sounds appealing

So I will go and get the bug spray

In an attempt to remove these distractions

And sit with “it”

In the silence

Alone