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Sometimes

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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Sometimes when we whisper in the dark, your face black and empty, no expression to catch or change,

I wonder if the things you whisper back to me are true or do you just say the things you think I want to hear?

Why do you tell me the most important things in the cloak of darkness, your face hidden from view?

Do your words mean less or more to you in the quiet of the night?

Or do you just say them because you can get away with them, when I cannot see those subtle nuances flicker across your lips?

When I cannot see the truth or cannot get lost in your smile

Why do you say the most important things in the dark?

Is it because I cannot see who you are so I miss what is truly meant?

I wish you would look me in the eye and whisper those words

Not under the cover of darkness

But exposed and naked in the bright light.

Then I would know what you really mean.

The Dead Fund

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After B came to me and announced he might want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I realized just how silly and naive I have been my entire married life. Yes, I bought into the Prince Charming and the “Happily Ever After” notion and truly believed we would be together forever. Granted, studies on successful marriages show that to stay married you have to believe that there is no “out” and it is forever. And that is well and good if you believe that but what if your partner does not?

This “maybe” divorce has instilled in me a hard lesson that has been missing in my life. And it is this… no matter how happy you are, no matter how secure you believe your marriage to be; you should plan ahead for the demise of your marriage. Why? Because often in divorce one partner is not honest, accountable and will do everything he/she can to destroy you.  Often, divorce leaves the woman struggling and broke. Her economic status plummets while her ex-husband’s goes up and that doesn’t change over time.

Therefore, I have recently told all my girls that the minute they get married they should start a DEAD FUND. Every week they should put $10 into the fund and just let it build. The fund should never be touched except in case of divorce at which point they would have enough in it to at least re-establish themselves and their family in an apartment and be able to put food on the table. Nothing is scarier than not having a penny to your name and no place to go especially when you have children depending on you. And we women are remiss in not planning for this possibility.

It is imperative that women protect themselves in case of divorce. Women still earn 77% percent on the dollar compared to men and if nothing else the DEAD FUND will help my girls get over the hump of economic inequality on a short-term basis.

If I had invested $10 a week in myself over these past 29 years I would have $15,080 put away. And better yet, if I don’t divorce my family has a nice amount to pay for my burial costs.  The DEAD FUND protects you in case your marriage dies or it provides for your family in the event of your death. Either way, having a DEAD FUND will provide peace of mind no matter how the dice are thrown. Because every woman should have an exit plan in which she is financially secure for a short amount of time. Period.

Choose Something Different …323 Days To Fix This

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I have recently been listening to a lecture by Pema Chodron On Udemy called The Freedom to Choose Something Different. It is fabulous.

One of the things Pema talks about is how we get “hooked”…that is how we react over and over again in the same ways even though it is hurting our health, our relationships and our ability to be at peace because we just can’t let things go. She talks about how even before we process “the hook” we can feel it in our gut…that unconscouis tightening that occurs when we are starting to be hooked and react in ways that are not beneficial for us or others. And Pema is right.

Many times when I was yelling I would feel that anger start in the pit of my stomach and move upward and then out of my mouth in the form of a very LOUD yell. Pema says that the trick to eliminate this unwanted behavior is to choose to do something different to break that pattern of reaction.

There are several things that I have put into place when I feel that irritation or anger first start. They are:

I take 10 deep breaths (one breath doesn’t work for me because I can hyperventilate and  breath so fast, so that I am still angry when I am done…sigh)

I removed myself to my closet where I listen to a 10 minute Chel Hamilton Podcast which teaches new approaches to try when things are bothering me. Bonus this totally relaxes me and I am a new person when I emerge.

I envision myself reacting the way I would like someone to act towards me

I pull on my ear to break my irritation pattern and amazingly it calms me right down.

In this vein, I once listened to a NPR program that talked about the huge issue of heroin addiction that the Army was facing prior to the Vietnam Vets arriving back in the States after the war. The soldiers were shooting up in large numbers in Viet Nam and the Armed Forces were worried about the tidal wave of soldiers returning home addicted. Turns out that while some addicts did continue with their habit, many more did not. Why? It seems that changing location made a huge difference. Not due to access but just due to the fact that when you change a pattern you can change behavior.

Breaking the pattern is the first step towards change whether it is yelling, eating, sleeping or many other issues that we find annoying or that damage relationships. It takes recognition, hard work, mindfulness and wanting something different in order to incorporate things into our lives to stop “the hook” from taking over.

So if you are driving along and you see a woman frantically tugging on her ear, it is probably me, and you probably just cut me off but it no longer irritates me because I have chosen to do something different. Have you?

First Day Of College

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Meet 14 yo Andre. His sense of humor is scalding, his style of dress is prehistoric and he in a bona-fide hero…he saved another person’s life while risking his own. He insists on routine, he is stubborn as the day is long, and he has autism which while not completely defining him gives you a hint of what is to come.

Today was Andre’s first college class. It is hard to express just what I am feeling but I can tell you this…I am very proud of him.

We are fortunate that there is a high school that is located on the local college campus and besides the regular curriculum the kids also have the opportunity to take college classes. The goal is to graduate with a high school as well as a college diploma at the end of their four years.

We are also very fortunate that Andre, despite his challenges including autism and severe ADHD, is able to navigate the system as well as he does. He is a great student and has a very unique perspective on many issues. And while I am glad he has this opportunity I also worry about my 9th grader.

It’s hard not to be apprehensive about Andre as he steps into this new, more mature world that isn’t set up for someone on the spectrum.

It’s not the drugs I worry about. In Andre’s very black and white world, where rules are to be adhered to at all costs; illicit drugs are just not in his game book.

It is not all the bad influences that concern me. Unfortunately, no one is interested enough to go beyond Andre’s quirky behaviors to get to know him yet alone influence him.

It is not the classwork that has me sleeping less at night. With a son who is a human calculator I am confident in his ability to master anything that his instructors throw at him.

What worries me is those who will take his natural kindness and abuse it. His openness to everyone and everything and exploit it. His way of singing through life and squash it. But most of all, I worry about predators, especially sexual, who will see a target who has no understanding of how protect himself and they will move in. And on a campus that offers hims so many opportunities, a campus full of adults, I pray that no one takes advantage of a young man who takes advantage of no one and desperately wants to have one, just one, friend and to fit in. And if I had the chance to say something to all the students about Andre I would say just let him be himself, listen to him and help him navigate when he becomes rudderless but most of all just be his friend…everyone deserves to have at least ONE friend and by being his friend you will be the one who will gain the most.images

What is Love? …329 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Love.

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Everyone seeks it. Everyone needs it. We all want it.  Love…it is the best of all things. It completes us. It makes us whole. It defines us. It reminds us. It persuades us. And it changes us.  Never has one word been able to mean so much, to accomplish such great things and to explain so much about who we are; except maybe love’s polar opposite…hate.

Throughout the ages, love has been described in so many ways.

In Sonnet 116, Shakespeare describes love as:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’ve also seen love described as something as simple as shared happinesss  or putting their wants and needs first because you want to not because you have to.

E.E. Cummings describes love in this way:

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail
it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea
love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive
it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky
Love quotes abound:
You are the first and last things on my mind each and everyday-Unknown
 “You know when you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo
“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”  — Helen Keller 
“To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.” — T. Tolis
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao Tzu
Lately, one of the most important things I have come to realize in this journey to capture love again is that love changes over time. A lot. That it ebbs and it flows. That love is that thought that you want that person to be happy even if you are not to be a part of their happiness. That you want the best for both even if it means breaking each other’s hearts. But most of all, right now in this moment, I believe that Love Is…the ability to stay when you don’t want to because you still believe and have faith that there is something much better up ahead for the two of you. To me, today, that is what love truly is.

Cheater…Cheater…P**** Eater

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Recently a blogger I follow asked if publishing a blog about the state of his marriage without his wife knowing was cheating. I replied:

I think that it is perfectly okay to do something for ourselves and if blogging makes you feel better and you enjoy it, then by all means do it. That said, you probably are cheating on your wife IF you are investing more energy on your blog then in fixing your relationship. Or IF you are developing secret “relationships” that might interfere with getting closer to your wife because you are expending a sort of intimate energy on an “on-line” person. If however, you feel you are learning better ways of relating to your wife and family by the comments you are receiving then more power to you. We all have ways of gaining knowledge and if this improves your outlook, happiness, etc. then you are only improving what you will take home to your honey.

And I stand by my response because it doesn’t involve sexual acts or emotional intimacy with another person besides his wife. But what about cheating on a broader level? At what point is the line crossed between “behaving badly” and cheating?

An old boyfriend of mine used to say, “Getting head isn’t cheating” and that is precisely why he became an OLD boyfriend of mine.

But if getting head isn’t cheating, what is?

Well, in my book, sexual cheating occurs not because of any specific sexual act but when a partner keeps secrets of a sexual nature from their partner. Viewing porn, having a fling, having an “intense” emotional relationship, or visiting a strip bar is fine and dandy as long as your partner knows about it and has no problem with that particular behavior or set of behaviors. This means both partners must act with integrity and make their significant others feelings their number one priority. There can be no lying, no keeping secrets from one another and no saying “yes” when what you really want to do is say no. This is because the only true path to genuine intimacy in a relationship is when total transparency and honesty prevails. For it isn’t the sex act itself that causes a marriage to implode, rather it is the secrets and lies that betray relational trust that is what eventually kills the bond between the cheater and his/her mate.

So “cheat” away…but only if you tell your spouse first and they agree to the fling. Otherwise, get a divorce and then go live out your wildest fantasies where the only thing that can be hurt is your wallet and your own pride.

Holding Hands…334 Days To Fix This

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Late last night B and I sat in the hospital as Paul had emergency surgery on some broken bones he sustained earlier in the day. We had some amazing/heartfelt discussions and a make out session or two in the stairwell by the waiting room. Two screws (no, not us), several wires and a cast later Paul was ensconced in a hospital room for the night.

Today, as I reflect on our discussions one thing is abundantly clear to me. When I lay dying and my last breath is near, the person I want to be there holding my hand when I cross over to where ever it is I am going is B. He knows me inside and out. He loves me like no one else has or can. He has trusted me, he has encouraged me and he has listened to me when doubt was my best friend. He is the love of my life and has walked beside me even when he wanted to turn around and leave me alone on the trail. He is my strength, my solace, my laughter and my joy. In short, he means  everything to me. And lastly, I know he will be the one sending up a prayer to Saint Peter, “Saint Peter, please cut her a lot of slack and let her in anyway.”

So who do you want by your side when you take that last breath and what are you doing to ensure that they will be there?

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, “This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven,
he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.
So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said “I want to be better than that guy, make me
1000 times smarter.
So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best.
So he said “God, make me better than both of them,
make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman!

Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!!!!

Granting Grace…337 Days to Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / Leave a comment

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Several years ago I was in a car accident and it was entirely my fault. I rear-ended a man and as soon as it happened all the sticky scenarios of what might happen began to run through my head. I immediately worried about what the driver might say/do or if this fender bender would end up in court and how severe his whip-lash would prove to be. Instead, he stepped over to my car, asked how I was, looked at his car and said, “Looks like nothing is hurt. Have a good day” and drove off. I was stunned and it occurred to me that I may not have acted as well had it been me who had been rear-ended. The grace the man showed to me that day was given with sincerity and in a spirit of love. I was grateful for it.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the concept of granting grace and realize that I do not do it very well. Yesterday’s incident with Paul is a good example. He was acting like a teenage jerk and had painted himself in a corner with his bad attitude. It ended up that he gave me his telephone after I reminded him that he had a phone so I could talk to him at all times, so I could speak to him when I needed to. “Well, if you are going to make all these ridiculous contact rules I don’t even want the phone,” were his last words before it became mine.

The concept of granting grace within my interactions with the important people in my life is problematic. I wish it wasn’t. I want to be right (unfortunately) ALWAYS. I want my children acting respectful.ALWAYS. And with these types of notions of mine granting grace often becomes difficult. But really, in its most sincere form, granting grace is as simple as holding each other accountable for creating a safe environment where people can speak up without being fearful of repercussions and being committed to their success especially in those areas that are problematic for them. It is also being patient with yourself so you can grant that same patience and grace to your loved one.

And so as I go about my day today I am going to actively search for ways to grant grace to those around me. I hope others will do the same for me because I need some grace sent my way. Desperately.

338 Days To Fix This…Can We?

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The other day I looked at something on Facebook that spoke volumes to be. It said:

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO A PERSON WITH AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS IS MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY NEED TO PROVE HOW SICK THEY ARE

Wow! Just wow! And I say this because that is EXACTLY what I have been thinking I have had to do to prove to B that I love him….and frankly that sucks.

Let me take you back.

About 15 years ago I had two work injuries within 2 weeks of each other and each concerned rescuing patients who were falling. As it turned out I had damage to my L1L2 and my C6 C7 with lots of muscle/soft tissue injury. I was even rated. I also developed Fibromyalgia. Eventually I opted out of my profession and went into a different one which was easier on my back and neck but even with that I was having some issues. It was only when I stopped working because we could financially afford for me to do that, that my back issues improved. I would work around the house, sit, work around the house, sit and do what I could as my injury allowed. My house was not perfect. My friends rated it a 6 on a scale of 1-10, not so messy that a bomb looked like it had been detonated but never clean/neat enough to make the cover of House Beautiful.

Unfortunately, my husband is a House Beautiful kind of guy.; nothing out of place, not a magazine in sight, not a dish in view and dog hair that magically walks itself to the trash can. He wishes that his wife would meet him at the door with a plate of steaming chocolate chip cookies and if the truth be told she would probably be wearing a French Maid Costume to boot. Hell, I wish I had that too especially if she wore thigh high black boots!

Ever since B mentioned D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I have attempted to and succeeded at improving what he feels is important in order for us to stay together (and he is trying to do the same according to the list of changes I presented to him…it is not a one way street) Anyway to meet his expectations I am not yelling (day 26 I think), I am exercising, and the house looks great because I am cleaning 4-6 hours a day. And frankly, I am pleased with the results…but at what cost? For the past three days I can barely move. My back is killing me and my neck can barely turn. And the PAIN. THE PAIN IS BRINGING TEARS TO MY EYES AND IS MAKING ME CRANKY. Sure I could live on pain pills but I have kids to drive here and there. And addiction is something I do not want to add to our gigantic list of issues.

And therein lies the problem. For years I have been fairly pain free because I have taken care of myself and made that a priority. And now it order to make B happy I am doing what he wants and expects which means that I am incurring an immense cost to myself in the form of severe pain. I am not happy with that trade off.

Now some of you would say, get a housekeeper to come in once a week and do the heavy stuff. Unfortunately, B believes that hiring a housekeeper is a sign of supreme laziness on my part and it will never happen. If your wife is at home there is no need for a housekeeper. Hell, if you are both working there is probably not a need for a house keeper in his mind. We have never had one even when we were both working two jobs. It it certainly doesn’t matter that you have an autistic son who believes that where ever a wrapper is removed it should fall, that dirtiness is next to Godliness, and that toilets should be able to flush themselves without human intervention. And it makes no difference that Andre is an episode in the making for Hoarders and he would be a Hoarder star if it wasn’t for the fact that we are constantly on him to clean up after himself which involves ME standing there the entire time making sure he does it while he whines, tantrums and manipulates.

And so I go back to the original quote:

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO A PERSON WITH AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS IS MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY NEED TO PROVE HOW SICK THEY ARE

And to this I would like to say:

Trust Me. Trust My Motives. Trust That I Would Move The World For You. Trust That I Hear And Respect What You Want/Need And That I Would Do It If I Could. In A Heartbeat. Trust that:

I am not trying to force you into doing more around the house.

I am not sitting around watching tv and eating bon-bons all day

I am not lazy and I am not faking anything.

I am just trying to make myself as pain free as possible so I can function in a realistic way.

Please, I beg of you to just trust that I do what I can do at any particular moment in time and accept my limitations as real and true. Don’t make me prove to you how much pain I am in or how much pain I can endure. Believe me, I want to make your life easier. I want you to be as happy as possible as you can be in this relationship. And I would love to give you House Beautiful if I could. Just don’t force me to have to climb down into the pits of pain hell to prove my love to you because the further I go down that ladder the further it will be for you to bring me back up.

Love me for who I am. Love me in spite of my limitations. Love me if my best doesn’t always match what you could do. Just love me in spite of myself just like I do you. I don’t ask you to prove yourself to me please show me the same respect.

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