Divorce

For The Sake Of The Kids…319 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

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Last night I made the mistake of saying to B  that I wondered if he was only staying married to me for “the sake of the kids.” I was the second time I have asked and in further contemplation I realized I didn’t truly want to know the answer. (Why I ask these difficult questions is a thought for another day!)

The first time I asked that very painful question was about a week into the “maybe” D.I.V.O.R.C.E. when B and I were talking about how difficult a separation would be for our particular set of kids. As we walked he said under his breath, “Well, maybe we will just stay together for the sake of the kids.” That answer has been bothering me ever since.

“Wait a minute,” I replied at the time. “I’m not staying in this marriage if it is only for the sake of the kids. I want and I deserve more. Our kids deserve more too. If that is the only reason you are here then we do not belong together and we had better wrap this thing up right now because I will not live in a lifeless/loveless marriage. I am too selfish.”

Unfortunately,I think parents often feel like they are doing their children a favor by waiting until their kids are grown and off on their own before they begin the process of divorce. But children sense when something is wrong and can pick up signals that they misinterpret leading to self blame or problems in their own future relationships.

Staying together “for the sake of the kids” also creates guilt for young adult children when it occurs to them that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them in the form of trying to be the “ideal intact” family. No one wants to feel beholden to their parents in this way.

Another problem with staying together “for the sake of the kids” is that as parents we model what a marriage is suppose to look like for our children. If there is animosity, fighting or belittling a partner our kids tend to find themselves in the same sort of relationships later on down the line. And is that what we really want for their future?

I would like to think that if B and I remain together it will be because we have once again made our marriage the number one priority in our lives and that it will not be for “the sake of the children.” Because frankly intact is not better especially if truth, admiration, respect and love is missing in the equation. Especially truth.

Last week after intense questioning about why we were seeing a counselor, I told the kids that mom and dad were going to see a therapist because we had been married a long time and that we had forgotten how to communicate with each other so we were having the therapist teach us a better way of talking to one another. I also told them that we were going on date night because when you have been married as long as we have sometimes you forget how to have fun together and we loved each other enough that we wanted to spend time together having fun. And that is the truth and it is what needs to be told.

Several hours later after being told he needed to ponder the answer to my question, B came to me and said, “I have been thinking about it and on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 staying together ONLY for the sake of the children, I would have to say I am at a 2.5”

And with that I breathed a sigh of relief because it tells me that neither of us are staying together for just the sake of the children but instead for the sake of a relationship that we both care enough to work together to fix…219 days to fix this!

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Sex And The To-Do List…320 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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Last night, as passion was awakening and the day was falling behind, B began to put the move on me. As we were getting down to the serious stuff and our bodies began to move to the grove, well, all of a sudden the thought popped in my head, ” I better remember to use the raspberries up in the refrigerator or they will go bad.”

WHAT THE HECK?

After a blissful and spectacular time with the honey (take that any way that you want) it occurred to me that every time we became amorous this week, an off-the-wall list of things I needed to do would suddenly fill my head bringing that “in the mood” moment to a screaming halt. Things like:

Did I lock the door?

Did I send Jackie that children’s book for the baby?

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck it a wood chuck could chuck wood? Well, really, how much?

I really need to get some new underwear since we have become busy as rabbits. I like lime green but what color does B like? You have been married 29 years and you don’t know what color B likes! How can you not know that?

Did Andre get the toilet unstopped? I think we need to add more fiber to his diet.

What time did Susie say she would be home?

And so it goes. Millions upon millions of questions begin descending on me just like one of my kids whenever there is a good probability of a great romance looming in the distance.

And after much thought on the subject I have come to a conclusion….I find it difficult to relax and just let go. After running this well oiled yet squeaky machine my ability to turn off my brain is diminished because if I let my guard down for just one minute a major calamity is bound to occur. That’s what happens when you have special needs children who never sleep, don’t understand the concept of danger or want to experiment with electricity and water in the middle of the night. That’s what happens when they use a butter knife to take apart the front door lock and slip out into the night, or decide to consume fabric softener (poison control says it’s okay in small quantities) or find a way to remove the key board from your piano.

Of course, this is all PTSD “thinking” on my part. The boys are no longer destructive, unaware or creating their own adventures 24/7. They are growing into fine young men who I can leave alone for awhile and still find the major supports to my house standing.

And so now I realize it is me who has to let go of the past…all of it… and get on with living life as it is now. I have earned the right to sit back and enjoy and danger is no longer an ever present nuance of our lives…that is unless you count the handcuffs under my bed that I borrowed from a friend…they might just be the kind of danger that is needed around here.

Sometimes

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Sometimes when we whisper in the dark, your face black and empty, no expression to catch or change,

I wonder if the things you whisper back to me are true or do you just say the things you think I want to hear?

Why do you tell me the most important things in the cloak of darkness, your face hidden from view?

Do your words mean less or more to you in the quiet of the night?

Or do you just say them because you can get away with them, when I cannot see those subtle nuances flicker across your lips?

When I cannot see the truth or cannot get lost in your smile

Why do you say the most important things in the dark?

Is it because I cannot see who you are so I miss what is truly meant?

I wish you would look me in the eye and whisper those words

Not under the cover of darkness

But exposed and naked in the bright light.

Then I would know what you really mean.

The Dead Fund

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After B came to me and announced he might want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I realized just how silly and naive I have been my entire married life. Yes, I bought into the Prince Charming and the “Happily Ever After” notion and truly believed we would be together forever. Granted, studies on successful marriages show that to stay married you have to believe that there is no “out” and it is forever. And that is well and good if you believe that but what if your partner does not?

This “maybe” divorce has instilled in me a hard lesson that has been missing in my life. And it is this… no matter how happy you are, no matter how secure you believe your marriage to be; you should plan ahead for the demise of your marriage. Why? Because often in divorce one partner is not honest, accountable and will do everything he/she can to destroy you.  Often, divorce leaves the woman struggling and broke. Her economic status plummets while her ex-husband’s goes up and that doesn’t change over time.

Therefore, I have recently told all my girls that the minute they get married they should start a DEAD FUND. Every week they should put $10 into the fund and just let it build. The fund should never be touched except in case of divorce at which point they would have enough in it to at least re-establish themselves and their family in an apartment and be able to put food on the table. Nothing is scarier than not having a penny to your name and no place to go especially when you have children depending on you. And we women are remiss in not planning for this possibility.

It is imperative that women protect themselves in case of divorce. Women still earn 77% percent on the dollar compared to men and if nothing else the DEAD FUND will help my girls get over the hump of economic inequality on a short-term basis.

If I had invested $10 a week in myself over these past 29 years I would have $15,080 put away. And better yet, if I don’t divorce my family has a nice amount to pay for my burial costs.  The DEAD FUND protects you in case your marriage dies or it provides for your family in the event of your death. Either way, having a DEAD FUND will provide peace of mind no matter how the dice are thrown. Because every woman should have an exit plan in which she is financially secure for a short amount of time. Period.

Finding Hope…326 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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Joseph Addison once said ” Three grand essentials for happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”

Lately my something “to do” has been to work on fixing our marriage.

My something “to love” has been trying to reclaim the love that B and I had once shared.

But hope for this relationship…well, I wasn’t feeling or seeing it. Maybe I had cut myself off from feeling hope. Because, realistically, if you have hope you have to go all in and not hold back due to fear, and frankly; I was feeling fearful, scared and the sense of trust to just let go wasn’t there.

This weekend I reclaimed hope and it felt wonderful. I am seeing the glimmers of a future together where last month I saw a black hole. I see a man who is trying like hell and a woman who is too. I see two people exploring each other again and finding that there is much to like and to love. I see two people who are sorry for the wrongs they have inflicted on each other and for words never said that almost mortally wounded their future together. Most of all, I see two people who really want this “marriage thing” to work out and who want our family to remain intact. And if our marriage still bottoms out it wasn’t because we didn’t try like hell.

This weekend hope felt like… moonlight walks around the lake, like long heart-felt talks around a campfire and just holding hands while watching Gracie fish. It felt like sharing a cup of coffee, getting a little grab-ass in the shower, and listening to the frogs croak their love songs throughout the night. Hope felt lovely, new, light and right.

Hope made me recognize that we are doing the hard work to put our marriage first and to make it work in a new way that is better for both of us. Hope has made us both want to jump all in. Sure we have a long way to go, much to negotiate and to learn new ways of communicating but I believe that for the first time we both have hope…and that is enough for now.

Practicing Forgiveness…328 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 2 Comments

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Lately, I have been contemplating forgiveness and what it means to truly forgive myself and others. It’s often one of the hardest things to do. Yet, practicing forgiveness is often the most important thing we can do for our own mental/physical/spiritual health for it helps reinstate a positive outlook on life.

Forgiving someone is often problematic. It often is needed at a time when emotions are high and feelings of wanting to hold onto the righteous anger we are experiencing are at their peak.

So what is forgiveness? The best definition I have heard is that forgiveness is a shift in thinking that allows us to stop wishing harm on the wrongdoer. Instead we focus on feelings/actions that allow us to restore good feelings with that person who has inflicted pain. It means we begin to strive for unity with that person and search for understanding/meaning in what has happened.

Sometimes forgiveness is impossible but the majority of time it is doable. These are the things am reminded of as I work to practice forgiveness in my own life.

  1. Don’t keep bringing up the past. What’s done is done and it can’t be changed. Admittedly, I do not do this as well as I should.
  2. Give the benefit of the doubt. Believe that your partner did not set out to intentionally hurt you. Hard to do in the midst of pain.
  3. Accept an apology when offered. It doesn’t mean you have to be “over it” it just means that you are working towards that end.
  4. Don’t wait for the other person in your life to apologize. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t. Choose to forgive so you can move on and because ultimately forgiving benefits you.
  5. Be kind instead of right. In doing so you allow for faster healing between you and your spouse. You also set a positive atmosphere for future discussions with your mate. When you are kind it is noticed and kindness often comes right back to you in return.
  6. Try to remember that we are all humans. As humans we all make mistakes. Remember how when you make that next mistake you want to be forgiven in a kind and loving way.
  7. The harder it is to forgive someone, the more I am responsible. Letting go of hurts/anger is difficult but can be done. If you continue to not let it go you have to look at those parts in yourself that won’t and figure out why. Does this inability to let go truly stem from this incident or are hurts from your past keeping you stuck.
  8. Sometimes you just have to remember that they are responsible for their own wrongs. It doesn’t always have to do with you even though you might have caught in the crossfire. Let them own their actions so you can let the anger/pain go and get back to being you.

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What is Love? …329 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 1 Comment

Love.

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Everyone seeks it. Everyone needs it. We all want it.  Love…it is the best of all things. It completes us. It makes us whole. It defines us. It reminds us. It persuades us. And it changes us.  Never has one word been able to mean so much, to accomplish such great things and to explain so much about who we are; except maybe love’s polar opposite…hate.

Throughout the ages, love has been described in so many ways.

In Sonnet 116, Shakespeare describes love as:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’ve also seen love described as something as simple as shared happinesss  or putting their wants and needs first because you want to not because you have to.

E.E. Cummings describes love in this way:

love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail
it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea
love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive
it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky
Love quotes abound:
You are the first and last things on my mind each and everyday-Unknown
 “You know when you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” –Dr. Seuss
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” — Victor Hugo
“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”  — Helen Keller 
“To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.” — T. Tolis
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” — Lao Tzu
Lately, one of the most important things I have come to realize in this journey to capture love again is that love changes over time. A lot. That it ebbs and it flows. That love is that thought that you want that person to be happy even if you are not to be a part of their happiness. That you want the best for both even if it means breaking each other’s hearts. But most of all, right now in this moment, I believe that Love Is…the ability to stay when you don’t want to because you still believe and have faith that there is something much better up ahead for the two of you. To me, today, that is what love truly is.

How Do I Learn To Trust Again?… 330 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 4 Comments

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How do I learn to trust you again?

When a man doesn’t share his feelings, keeps everything close to the vest, inhabits your world but doesn’t let you inhabit much of his; how do you learn to trust his words and actions and believe what he says?

When a man fails to tell you of his despair and comes to you with, “I think I may want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.,” how do you know that he won’t walk through the door, pack his bags, and just leave even though he tells you he is happy now?

Like a Greek tragedy, I just can’t forget your words as easily as you dismiss your intentions. I see/hear your words, D.I.V.O.R.C.E. re-playing in my head, scratchy and skipping parts like an old movie soundtrack. They are rough like the ocean banging into the rocks on the shore, removing a grain of the rock every time it gets hit. Your words echo in my head.

You tell me everything is so much better…for who?  For who is it better? How do I know that your words honor the truth of what you are feeling deep inside in those places you refuse to share with me? Because I don’t feel better and I am not sure how you could feel better about our relationship, so easily, and with such little effort.

Sure we laugh more, since you outed some of your feelings. And the sex is incredible. And the house looks great. But I don’t feel better because I don’t trust that this is real. I don’t trust that this, that I, am enough for you because I have so often not been. Yeah, those “harmless” flirty texts they have done a number on me and my trust is serrated instead of smooth. My trust in you, in us, and in myself is lacking. It’s incomplete.

Because how do you go from miserable and “I may want a D.I.V.O.R.C.E.” to everything is great…and I am happy in 35 days? I don’t trust this. I don’t trust you. But I want to. Desperately.

How do I learn to trust again?

I wish I knew.

32 Days And I Drank The Kool-Aid…332 Days To Fix This

/ Gardy Loo Pismire / 3 Comments

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So it had been 32 days of no yelling. Not one single loud voice, one yelp or one shiver me timbers shout. Not one shrill sentence, not one whoop, nor one holler. My lips have remained soft and my mind has remained focused on being the best new me I can be. I have gone where I have never gone before. Until this morning when I went to the well and drank the Kool-Aid.

I was getting the kids off to school. Paul is still in the hospital but Andre and Gracie were at home when Andre The Master Manipulator started “poking” at me looking for every hidden button that would possibly set me off. Everything I said was met with a total ignore or a “NO.”  Sometimes autism just sucks.We were 2 minutes from heading out the door when I realized Andre had purposely neglected to do something that needed to be done. And that’s when I lost it.

“I told you to _______” And as I said the last word I realized I was yelling. It scared the crap out of me because I didn’t even comprehend that the decibel level of my voice had risen to the sound of a fighter jet during a fly-by until the 5th word. At that point I caught myself and abruptly stopped, then whispered quietly to the universe and my kids, “Oh darn, I just yelled for the first time in over 30 days. I am so disappointed in myself.” I had just received my 30 day chip only to have it fall out of my hand.

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And so, like an AA member who has slipped, I start the process over. More meditation tapes, more quiet time, more bubble baths, more positive thinking and more contemplating what it means to try to incorporate this “new” me into the old. I worry about what this one act will do to my relationship with my husband whose tolerance for failure, while usually decent, is still tenuous towards me at this point. I am glad he is away as I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in his eyes.

Yet, as I hang my head in shame, I realize that this “no yelling” business is a process that calls for diligence and patience with myself.. I am trying… trying harder than I have tried to do anything in my life and it is not a time for self-lashing. For tomorrow is another day…DAY 1.2 (the improved version) OF NO YELLING!